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Material from the one-liner file

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

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From: (Brad Paley)
Subject: occult, black humor (original)

I've started an apocrophal story about the validity of palm reading:

A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five,
that his life line was extremely short.  When he tried to lengthen it (with
his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death.
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Subject: Michaelangelo virus (smirk)
From: (Robert L. Blackburn)

Heard on NPR's Morning Edition on Friday, March 6, concerning the
Michaelangelo computer virus:

	Michaelangelo .... the rogue program, which conforms to the IBM
	standard, ...

IBM has a standard for viruses?

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Subject: Re: A Sad Life

Here is an original thought (pun) in the same vein as a recent post:

>>  From: (Georgy)
>>  Subject: A Sad Life
>>  Message-ID: <>
>>  You know you lead a sad life when a nymphomaniac comes up to you and
>>  says,"Let's just be friends."

You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get
around to you.

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From: (P. V. R. Suryanarayana)
Subject: Joke

  "In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies.  In a Russian comedy, everybody dies
too.  But they die happy"   

      (Source:  Barry Farber, quoted in the Journal of Petroleum Technology)

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Subject: Michelangelo virus question
From: (Rob Cuthbertson)

Why would anyone name a computer virus after a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?

(Seen in a miscellaneus column in the back of the Rocky Mountain News)

Project: To determine what makes things tick.
Plan: stop the ticking.
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Subject: Mike Tyson Joke

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial?

"In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!"

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From: (Christopher M. Palmer)
Subject: Politically Correct Terms

This is original:

I came up with a new Politically Correct term,

	Religiously Impaired

Unfortunately, I don't know if it applies to atheists or fundamentalists.
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Subject: Respect for the Law

Whil topping off my gas tank at a California self-service gas station
this morning, a policeman next to me remarked "You know it's illegal to
top off your tank here."

I replied, "I had my eggs over easy this morning too.  Lock me up
before I start tearing off mattress tags!"
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From: andrewm@zooid.UUCP (Andrew McCallum)
Subject: Mother of all FAQ's

This is an origional that I came up with about 2 hours and 32.3 minuits ago.
It has to be the biggest Frequently Asked Question (FAQ) on the net.

    "Is this an FAQ?"

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Subject: Overheard at a party this past weekend in Montreal

Peter: ... what did you take?

    A: I was in history. 

Peter: Why did you stop?

    A: I found history to be a waste of time.

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From: (Iain)
Subject: Wayne's world in RUSSIA.

Did you you know that Saturday Night Live's 'Waynes World' skit is the
   one number one most watched TV comedy in Russia ?

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From: (Kyle E Moore)
Subject: Sex in a VW?

     What do you call having sex in the back seat of a Volkswagen?


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From: (Kenneth Ingham)
Subject: a mixed up order

Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture?
Ovary 2: No, why do you ask?
Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door.

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From: (Vijay Rangarajan)
Subject: Hubble quip.

Original quip on the space telescope we all like so much.

A few articles were posted in sci.astro.hubble but nobody could read them.

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From: sybase! (Jeff Ranstrom)
Subject: political theory

One claim for the value of the British monarchy is that its existence precludes anyone from aspiring to absolute rule.  I have a theory that the American presidency serves a similar purpose, precluding anyone from managing the government.
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Subject: Religious Intolerance

Told by my doctor:

	"Religious intolerance is getting to be a greater problem in this country.
	I understand some Unitarians were caught burning question marks
	on people's front lawns."

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From: (Bob Lewis)
Subject: Sophie's Choice Potato Chips

(This one is original, if a little dated.)

Have you heard about "Sophie's Choice" Potato Chips?  They're small, but you
can only take one.
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Subject: Paul Tsongas
From: (David Barach)

Heard this morning on National Public Radio:

Paul Tsongas, Greek for "None of the Above..."
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From: (Dave Zobel)
Subject: Another plate-licking dog joke

The joke about "as clean as Soap and Water could get them" reminds
me of what my friend Mark Carlson used to say as he sat down to eat:

	(rubs hands, inhales appreciatively) "Ah -- a meal fit for a king!"

	(looks around) "Here, King!"

-- Dave Zobel, DeskTalk Systems Inc., Torrance CA USA
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From: (Mike Taylor)
Subject: definition (original)

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.
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From: (Eliot Smith)

Bush: The only President to have a league named after him!

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Organization: National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST)
From: (John Pescatore)
Subject: Obsolesence(sp?)

>From a speech by Ray Albers, assistant VP for Technology Planning at Bell AtlaAtlantic, made at last week's ComNet convention here in Washington DC:

"If it works, it must be obsolete."

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From: (Fabrice Le Metayer)
Subject: Definition of "Foreign Aid"

Seen on soc.culture.thai :

for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.:
	The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to
	rich people in poor countries.
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From: (Jacob Butcher)
Subject: JFK

The other day someone asked me what I thought about the JFK assassination.
I replied "There was a coverup.  It worked."...

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This one turned up on the FAX network the other day (that's right, FAX!).
I hope it is not thought of as racist - it is not intended to be.
I'll leave it up to your judgement.


			Job vacancy advertisment.

			Wanted:  small black man
			for job as a mud flap.

			Must be flexible and
			willing to travel.

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Organization: STB BBS, La, Ca, 310 397 3137
From: (Michael Gersten)
Subject: Re: A Philosophical Truth

This reminds me of one I heard, attributed to Santa Monica High...

Final exam in philosophy:
"Prove that the chair on the desk does not exist".

Student turned in "What chair?" and got an A.

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From: (Rebecca M Ostrom)
Subject: necrophiliacs

I heard this from my play director.  I'm not sure where he got it.

Dear necrophiliacs

   We love you.

	--The Grateful Dead

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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