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Material from the one-liner file

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

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Subject: Boris Yeltsin

Is it just me, or does Boris Yeltsin look an awful lot like Benny Hill?
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From: (Brian Smithson)
Subject: for the one-liner file?

In the music department of one of the universities there is a sign over
the FAX machine that reads as follows:

"If it ain't Baroque don't FAX it."

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Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science
From: (Charles Hannum)
Subject: Be careful where you put that 'L'!

It's interesting what happens when you ... accidentally add an 'L' at
the beginning of various words.  You get such things as:

  lintegrated circuit

(If you think of any more, please email them to me.)

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From: ???

This morning a potential joke hit me.   

What is the opposite of SO, significant other?
Answer:  I/O.

As when you are on a date and your companion mentions his or her SO.
That makes you an I/O.   (Bad news.)

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From: (Tage Stabell-Kulo)

    If God didn't want us to masturbate
    he would have given us shorter arms.

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Subject:  Holidays
From: KK1143@BROCK1P ( Kevin M. Kress)

[Heard from a friend of mine at school.  Since he has no access to electronic
mail, I am submitting it.]

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day as their holiday and fathers have Father's
   Day as their holiday, what holiday is for bachelors?

A: Palm Sunday.
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Subject: Olympia&York [Reichmanns] finanacial troubles
From: (David Lamb)

Paraphrased from Alan Fotheringham's column in Maclean's last week:

Everyone knows the old saw about "If you owe the bank $10 thousand you're
in trouble;  if you owe the bank $10 million, the bank is in trouble."
Well, if you owe the bank $15 billion, the taxpayers are in trouble.
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From: (Larry Smith)
Subject: And the winnah is...

This is from WGIR this morning - a unidentified caller mentioned he had taken
his own "unofficial" poll this morning by counting those election signs people
set up in their yards at primary time.

    He figures the winner will be "For Sale".

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From: (Jim Cook)
Subject: Why Maine Doesn't Have the First Primary in the Nation

From a rerun of a Jack Paar show on presidential happenings:

Remember what a little old lady from Maine said,
            "I don't vote - it only encourages them."

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From: (Evan Morton)
Subject: the metric unit of pain


What's the metric unit of pain?
The Angstrom.

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From: (H. Ian Novack)
Subject: And they said TVs were dangerous...

Bruce Sterling, on computers replacing drugs as a medium for altering
consciousness and creating artificial realities:

"In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. 
It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late."

- LA Times Thursday, 2/20/92 Business section "Innovation" column.

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From: (Jennifer Dole)
Subject: Definition

What's the definition of a "quadro-sexual?"

A person who will do anything, anywhere, with anybody, for a quarter.
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From: (Ray Deonandan)
Subject: swimmer

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them
have to drown too?

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From: (Jim Charters)
Subject: no arms, no legs joke

This joke was told to me by one of our graduate students, Mike
Bromley.  He plays music from time to time in a pick-up band.  Another
member of the band, not known to me, told it to Mike....

Q:  What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can play 15
    different musical instruments?

A:  Stump the band.

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Organization: Western Michigan University
Subject: Suggestion for research

********************SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH***************************

		1) Who has the better genes, the baby of JESSICA LANGE
		   and MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV (Alexandra) or the baby of

		2) How did cat books get to be such big sellers, when no
		   one anyone knows ever bought one and, presumably, cats
		   are not buying them?

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From: (York H. Dobyns)
Subject: Spotted on an Advertisement/ True Incident

(The following is the large-type attention-getting part of a flyer
advertising Princeton University's amateur mime group. Reprinted
without permission, though I doubt they'd mind the extra circulation.)

	"Our mime is in the gutter."
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Subject: hire the handicapped...

I didn't make this up: one of the local TV channels last night
used the phrase "running for office" to described the activities
of Paul Tsongas and Jerry Brown, and then went on to say that
Bob Kerry was "stumping."
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From: (Meyer, using EMAIL V4.0  25-Feb-1992 0932)
Subject: From the "new Europe"

A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest:

  "Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either."

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Subject: a matter of attitude
From: Thomas_Mathies@GS46.SP.CS.CMU.EDU

Robert Frost:
	The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts
	working when you get up in the morning and
	does not stop until you get to the office.
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From: (Tom Duff @ Mama Bell's Komputer Kindergarden)
Subject: Risks of Technology: Coca Cola division (original)

Modern Coke Machines are microprocessor-controlled, and many even
have modems with which they call the distributor when their coin
boxes fill or they run out of supplies or they're broken into. These
modems are vulnerable to attack by a class of computer hackers known
in the industry as ``Soda Crackers.''
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From: (Greg Cronau)
Subject: Virtual Reality. Drug of the future?

Overheard on tonight's Dennis Miller show at the beginning of the segment
where a rep from Horizon Entertainment comes on to demonstrate their new
Virtual Reality game:

	"So, let me get this straight. Eventually Virtual Reality could get
good enough that some guy from New Jersey could come home from work, rent
a cartridge for $19.95, and have sex with Elle Macpherson. This could make
crack look like Sanka!"

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From: (Judy Anderson)
Subject: Discovery

I was poking around on my filesystem the other day, and discovered a
directory named /vaporware.

It was emtpy.

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Subject: Re: Close call, godly ...
Organization: University of Western Ontario

The recent Thoreau 'dying words' reminds me of what I believe were Ogden Nash's
as quipped on The_Kid's_In_the_Hall.

	"Either that wallpaper goes -- or I do!"

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Organization: University at Buffalo
From: (Samir Chaudhari)
Subject: An Abortion Commercial..

	Can not remember the source, a real incident...
In the NY subway, a commertial for an abortion clinic goes...

	Pregnant?  We can help!

.to which someone had scribbled:

	Not pregnant? I can help!!

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Subject: topical, political

Heard around the Chicago Board of Trade:

New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
  Smell my lips.....No more Bush
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From: (Chuck Cazabon...Amiga fan extraordinaire=)
Subject: Gallagher and television

I believe the following is from Gallagher...

It's too bad that televisions don't have a knob to turn up the
INTELLIGENCE of the programs.  I tried 'brightness', but it didn't

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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