Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old. I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Boris Yeltsin Is it just me, or does Boris Yeltsin look an awful lot like Benny Hill? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Brian Smithson) Subject: for the one-liner file? In the music department of one of the universities there is a sign over the FAX machine that reads as follows: "If it ain't Baroque don't FAX it." = = = = = = = Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Charles Hannum) Subject: Be careful where you put that 'L'! It's interesting what happens when you ... accidentally add an 'L' at the beginning of various words. You get such things as: luser LUSENET LUSENIX lintegrated circuit LI-B-M LUNIX lusage (If you think of any more, please email them to me.) = = = = = = = From: ???@world.std.com This morning a potential joke hit me. What is the opposite of SO, significant other? Answer: I/O. As when you are on a date and your companion mentions his or her SO. That makes you an I/O. (Bad news.) = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tage Stabell-Kulo) If God didn't want us to masturbate he would have given us shorter arms. = = = = = = = Subject: Holidays From: KK1143@BROCK1P ( Kevin M. Kress) [Heard from a friend of mine at school. Since he has no access to electronic mail, I am submitting it.] Q: If mothers have Mother's Day as their holiday and fathers have Father's Day as their holiday, what holiday is for bachelors? A: Palm Sunday. = = = = = = = Subject: Olympia&York [Reichmanns] finanacial troubles From: firstname.lastname@example.org (David Lamb) Paraphrased from Alan Fotheringham's column in Maclean's last week: Everyone knows the old saw about "If you owe the bank $10 thousand you're in trouble; if you owe the bank $10 million, the bank is in trouble." Well, if you owe the bank $15 billion, the taxpayers are in trouble. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Larry Smith) Subject: And the winnah is... This is from WGIR this morning - a unidentified caller mentioned he had taken his own "unofficial" poll this morning by counting those election signs people set up in their yards at primary time. He figures the winner will be "For Sale". = = = = = = = From: J.Cook@ens.prime.com (Jim Cook) Subject: Why Maine Doesn't Have the First Primary in the Nation From a rerun of a Jack Paar show on presidential happenings: Remember what a little old lady from Maine said, "I don't vote - it only encourages them." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Evan Morton) Subject: the metric unit of pain [original] What's the metric unit of pain? The Angstrom. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (H. Ian Novack) Subject: And they said TVs were dangerous... Bruce Sterling, on computers replacing drugs as a medium for altering consciousness and creating artificial realities: "In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse. It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late." - LA Times Thursday, 2/20/92 Business section "Innovation" column. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jennifer Dole) Subject: Definition What's the definition of a "quadro-sexual?" A person who will do anything, anywhere, with anybody, for a quarter. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Ray Deonandan) Subject: swimmer If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest of them have to drown too? = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jim Charters) Subject: no arms, no legs joke This joke was told to me by one of our graduate students, Mike Bromley. He plays music from time to time in a pick-up band. Another member of the band, not known to me, told it to Mike.... Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can play 15 different musical instruments? A: Stump the band. = = = = = = = Organization: Western Michigan University From: email@example.com Subject: Suggestion for research ********************SUGGESTIONS FOR FURTHER RESEARCH*************************** 1) Who has the better genes, the baby of JESSICA LANGE and MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV (Alexandra) or the baby of AMY IRVING and STEVEN SPIELBERG (Max)? 2) How did cat books get to be such big sellers, when no one anyone knows ever bought one and, presumably, cats are not buying them? = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (York H. Dobyns) Subject: Spotted on an Advertisement/ True Incident (The following is the large-type attention-getting part of a flyer advertising Princeton University's amateur mime group. Reprinted without permission, though I doubt they'd mind the extra circulation.) CALL 900-HOT-MIME for SILENT FANTASIES "Our mime is in the gutter." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: hire the handicapped... I didn't make this up: one of the local TV channels last night used the phrase "running for office" to described the activities of Paul Tsongas and Jerry Brown, and then went on to say that Bob Kerry was "stumping." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Meyer, using EMAIL V4.0 25-Feb-1992 0932) Subject: From the "new Europe" A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest: "Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either." = = = = = = = Subject: a matter of attitude From: Thomas_Mathies@GS46.SP.CS.CMU.EDU Robert Frost: The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Tom Duff @ Mama Bell's Komputer Kindergarden) Subject: Risks of Technology: Coca Cola division (original) Modern Coke Machines are microprocessor-controlled, and many even have modems with which they call the distributor when their coin boxes fill or they run out of supplies or they're broken into. These modems are vulnerable to attack by a class of computer hackers known in the industry as ``Soda Crackers.'' = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Greg Cronau) Subject: Virtual Reality. Drug of the future? Overheard on tonight's Dennis Miller show at the beginning of the segment where a rep from Horizon Entertainment comes on to demonstrate their new Virtual Reality game: --------------- "So, let me get this straight. Eventually Virtual Reality could get good enough that some guy from New Jersey could come home from work, rent a cartridge for $19.95, and have sex with Elle Macpherson. This could make crack look like Sanka!" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Judy Anderson) Subject: Discovery I was poking around on my filesystem the other day, and discovered a directory named /vaporware. It was emtpy. = = = = = = = Subject: Re: Close call, godly ... Reply-To: firstname.lastname@example.org Organization: University of Western Ontario The recent Thoreau 'dying words' reminds me of what I believe were Ogden Nash's as quipped on The_Kid's_In_the_Hall. "Either that wallpaper goes -- or I do!" = = = = = = = Organization: University at Buffalo From: email@example.com (Samir Chaudhari) Subject: An Abortion Commercial.. Can not remember the source, a real incident... In the NY subway, a commertial for an abortion clinic goes... Pregnant? We can help! .to which someone had scribbled: Not pregnant? I can help!! = = = = = = = From: JWILLIAM@vm1.tucc.trinity.edu Subject: topical, political Heard around the Chicago Board of Trade: New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton: Smell my lips.....No more Bush = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Chuck Cazabon...Amiga fan extraordinaire=) Subject: Gallagher and television I believe the following is from Gallagher... It's too bad that televisions don't have a knob to turn up the INTELLIGENCE of the programs. I tried 'brightness', but it didn't work.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)