| RHF Joke Archives | 
Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file. When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file. I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each. Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.
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From: prb@access.digex.com (Pat)
Subject: New George (original)
Bush Lite: Less Capital gains, More Domestic Policy.
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From: DAVIDV%EARLHAM.BITNET@uicvm.uic.edu (I AM WHO AM)
Subject: Pitbull genetics
(Original, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone else has thought
of it:)
Q: What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a cattle prod?
A: Bitten, almost certainly.
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From: T.KILBRIDE@genie.com (Funniest Guy)
Subject: Question & answer's
Summary: The ole' standby "waddia git" type of humor we all can use to make the day go
Q: Why is sex so popular?
A: Because it's centrally located.
Q: What do you get if you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
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Subject: Pat Buchanan Quote
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
On the campaign trail last week, Pat Buchanan said:
"I don't want to attack Dan Quayle. That would be child abuse."
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Subject: George Bush
From: rickertj@athena.cas.vanderbilt.edu (John Rickert)
What's the PC term for George Bush?
"Politically challenged."
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Subject: Computer viruses
From: MGLASS@fnal.fnal.gov (Michael Glass at Fermilab)
I was surprised to learn that many computer virus programs have
copyright notices embedded in them. Applied to a computer virus,
what could the concept of copyright possibly *mean*?
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From: sybase!tim@sun.com (Tim Wood)
Subject: Sex roles
Seen on a bumper sticker (attached to a Ford Ranger pickup):
I haven't had sex for so long, I don't remember
who gets tied up.
Thanks,
-Tim
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From: SNOJNB@mvs.sas.com (Jeff Beusse)
Subject: She's so fat ... (new to me)
Heard from Jake Johnson, Wednesday morning guest comedian on WRDU
106.1, Raleigh, NC:
(Done in an imitation of Rodney Dangerfield's voice)
My wife is so fat, when we want to have sex, I have to pound her
on the thigh and ride the wave in!!!
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From: kenny@world.std.com (Kenneth R Crudup)
Subject: Michael Jackson video dance name
A local DJ (WILD-AM here in Boston) has given the quickly-censored dance
number at the end of MJ's "Black or White" video a name:
"The Squirrel Dance", chosen since he was obviously gathering his nuts.
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From: scs@wotan.iti.org (Steve Simmons)
Subject: Who Was Influential In 1991?
Told to me by John Dreystadt:
Who did the most to influence history in 1991?
Oliver Stone.
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From: jgacker@isis.gsfc.nasa.gov (James G. Acker)
Subject: Warnings from above, religious
I just went to a seminar on the chemistry of stratospheric ozone
and came up with us (has anyone else noticed?)
The acronym formed by the first letters of the phrase
"GLOBAL OZONE DEPLETION"
is
GOD.
I don't know about you, but I'm worried.
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From: kbad@atari.UUCP (Ken Badertscher)
Subject: My boss...
"My boss is a Jewish carpenter."
- Bumper sticker
"My boss is a Jewish astrophysicist, what's your point?"
- A coworker (our boss has a PhD in astrophysics)
(Submitted by me for Mark Jansen, who thought it up, but probably
wouldn't submit it himself. Oh, and please don't include this
parenthetical attribution with the joke if you accept the joke).
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From: trebor@foretune.co.jp (Robert J Woodhead)
Subject: Boston Driving
JBOLOGNA@bentley has it all wrong. There are only three rules
for driving in Boston.
1) Keep your eyes open.
2) Keep your wits about you.
3) Keep your insurance paid up.
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From: mcovingt@athena.cs.uga.edu (Michael A. Covington)
Subject: New motto (Original)
A bumper-sticker slogan to protect us against activists:
"I'm apolitical -- and I vote!"
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From: parvin1@husc.harvard.edu
Subject: PC Recycling
I am generally skeptical of the "PC Multicultural Conspiracy" charge, but
a recent incident at the local recycling depot has forced me to reconsider.
Arriving with a large box of paper, I was reprimanded for not separating the
paper of color from the white trash.
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From: jamie@mkseast.UUCP (Jamie Haviland)
Subject: Just a little pun
This is an original by me....
Did you hear about the new building demolition company?
They call themselves "Ediface Wrecks".
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From: mark@b11.b11.ingr.com (Mark Jones)
Subject: In the good ol' summer time
It has been determined that most teenage girls lose their virginity
during the summer months. This stands to reason, since congress is
recessed at that time.
Heard it on comic strip live recently.
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From: fist@iscp.bellcore.com (Richard Pierson)
Subject: Lesbian joke
How do you tell if a house has been built by lesbians ?
It's all tongue and groove, No studs.
Rich
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From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Welfare
Rush Limbaugh on the subject of welfare:
"What's wrong with our safety net is that too many people are
using it as a hammock."
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From: vijay@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Vijay Rangarajan)
Subject: Was Soviet Union.
Original and can be distributed freely!
Two of US's big problems were solved around the same time.
The disbanding of the Soviet Union and getting good pictures
from hubble, the problems being, nuclear arms and unclear mars.
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From: mhr@ccicpg.UUCP (Mark Hull-Richter)
Subject: Radio funnies
Heard this one on the radio this morning (from Jeff Greenleaf (?)):
The next time you get a speeding ticket and have nothing to do for the
next ten days or so, try this:
When the officer asks for your drivers license, registration and
proof of insurance, give it to him, but look at him funny. When he
comes back, say, "There's nothing in the trunk."
--
Mark A. Hull-Richter UUCP: ccicpg!mhr In all things, restraint,
ICL North America Also: mhr@irv.icl.com especially with respect
9801 Muirlands Blvd mhr@ccicpg.irv.icl.com to posting articles and
Irvine, CA 92713 (714)458-7282x4539 doubly so for flames.
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From: asuvax!anasaz!qip.morris@ncar.ucar.edu (Bob Morris)
Subject: What's the difference between a H/W engineer and a S/W engineer?
What's the difference between a software engineer
and a hardware engineer?
A software engineer burns PROMS; a hardware
engineer blows PALS.
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Organization: AUSOM - The Apple Users Society of Melbourne
From: sbr@loop.ausom.oz.au (Solomon Braunstein)
Subject: Appearance
An old spinster was asked what she liked most in men.
"Appearance," she replied "and the sooner the better".
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From: mikeb@spl32.spl.loral.com (Michael H Bender)
Subject: Bumper Sticker in Detroit
(stolen from the San Jose Mercury News):
Seen on a bumper sticker in Detroit:
SADDAM HUSSEIN STILL
HAS A JOB. DO YOU?
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From: vaps0de@prism.gatech.edu (Dustin Emhart)
Subject: MLK Holiday Weather
This is original. At least, I haven't heard anyone telling it but me.
Atlanta had a couple inches of snow on the ground for the federal holiday on
January 20. Now, snow is a wonderful thing for holidays like Christmas, but
there's just something not right about a white MLK's Birthday.
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Organization: The Sideways Machine, Lower Hutt, New Zealand
From: radagast@sideways.welly.gen.nz (Radagast)
Subject: Lada Motor Vehicles
What's the difference between a Lada and a Jehovah's Witness?
You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
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From: Mark_Olson@imd.sterling.com (Mark Olson)
Subject: Meetings
I heard this one on a local radio station (KKCD) this morning:
Q: What is a Meeting?
A: It is a place where good ideas go to die.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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