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Material from the one-liner file

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

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Subject: A Star Trek joke

What do you get when you cross a Klingon with a politician?

Someone in Washington who might actually get something done!

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Subject: Joke Submission

Heard this one from a mate recently:

Q) What's green and takes ten minutes to drink?
A) A Grant Cheque

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From: (Dave Hickernell, DTN 264-2031, MKO1-2/H13  26-Sep-1991 1423)
Subject: PC horny

   OK, guys, we're no longer horny.
   The Politically Correct term is "vaginally challenged".

   [courtesy of my brother-in-law, Ron Howland]

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From: (S. Spencer Sun)
Subject: another fortune cookie thing

California, n.:
     From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication."  Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
     -- Ed Moran

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From: brighton@phuket.UUCP (Bill Carson)
Subject: "Banned Books" week

[ it is original - just thought of it. ]

Exercise your First and Second Amendment Rights at the same time -
Shoot the book burners.

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From: (Gisle Hannemyr)
Subject: Yugoslavian ceasefire

Yugoslavian ceasefire [noun]:
   Unit of time, roughly equal to the time it take to reload a gun.

Source: "Ny Tid" (Norwegian Weekly).
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From: (Phyllis Pugh)
Subject: Irish Perverts   (may be offensive ...)

As told to me by my favorite Irish priest:

Q:  What do you call an Irish pervert?

A:  An Irishman who prefers sex to whiskey.

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Subject: joke

Q:  How do you make holy water?
A:  Take ordinary water and boil the HELL out of it.

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From: (Marc Cooper)
Subject: Freudian slip

(So far as I know, this is original..)

Psychotherapy-  A long, drawn out process consisting of subtle probings of the 
human mind, whereby women are blamed for all of Freud's shortcomings.

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From: (David B. Whiteman)
Subject: Judge Thomas Joke 

Original joke, bt I am sure someone else will come up with a similar punchline.
While watching the Senate hearings on TV I realized all that the Senate is
trying to do is figure out whether  42 year old Judge Clarence Thomas
is over the Hill.

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From: (Deb Schwartz)
Subject: Good Advertising

Seen on the side of an electrician's truck:  "Let Us Remove Your Shorts".

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From: (Gary Koerzendorfer)
Subject: I'm sure they laughed when they wrote this -

Headline in the Oct. 15 edition of the Wall Street Journal:

         "Restaurants Beef Up Vegetarian Menus"
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From: (Gisle Hannemyr)
Subject: Hypotetical movie poster.

OS/2 -- The Nightmare Continues
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From: (Kaaren Bock)
Subject: road, Marin

Why did the Marin County woman cross the road?

She was channelling a chicken.

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From: (Hobson's Choice 30-Oct-1991 1525)
Subject: Try a dark cow, uh ....

Two farm boys are just sitting day dreaming when a cow strolls by. "Man,"
says the first boy, "if only that was a woman."
"Man," says the second boy, "if only it was dark out."
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Organization: The Law Society of Upper Canada
From: (David Sherman)
Subject: M as in...

Every so often I find myself giving out a business address
over the phone that includes the postal code M5H 2N6.
I'm always tempted to say:
	"M as in Mormon... N as in nary"
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Subject: Dentist

A guru went to the dentist and said,
"I'd like to transcend dental medication."

- Dr. Dean Edell

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From:!medin@watmath (Dave Medin)
Subject: One liners 

The recent post brought this to mind, from the backstage men's room
at the Seattle Opera House:

Q: How tall is a union stagehand

A: Don't know. I've never seen one standing up...
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From: (Bob Neidorff)
Subject: New Light Bulb Joke?

I don't know if this is new, but I think it is.

How many home owners does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but it takes two weekends and four trips to the hardware store.
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From: (Jody R. Prival)
Subject: cool math limerick

I got this from a friend...

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 +0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
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From: sameer@uunet.UUCPsameer
Subject: shampoo

this is not original....
I've always wondered why people use sham poo when the real
thing is easily available.....
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Organization: Novell Corp., Walnut Creek, CA.
From: (Brian Del Vecchio)

>  From: (David Neiman)
>  Subject: Haiku (from

>  "Twice five syllables
>  Plus seven can't say much but
>  That's Haiku for you.

Here's my Haiku from a few years back:

	haiku's inventor
	must have had seven fingers
	on his middle hand

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Organization: York University
From: yorkvm1.bitnet!MMORSE@watmath
Subject: Re: More from the one liner file (5/11)

This one was Groucho Marx's favourite:
"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!"
"Well, tell him we don't want any!"
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From: (Joel Gringorten)
Subject: another for the 1 liner file?

What do they call a woman without an asshole?


(told to me by a woman, of course.)

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From:!eliot@watmath (Topher Eliot)
Subject: memory

My mind is like an old-fashioned bear trap:
rusty, dangerous, hasn't caught a thing in years.

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Organization: Martin Bormann's Cranial Splints
From:!mjd@watmath (Just Another Pain in the Ass)
Subject: My dog

I've trained my dog to salivate whenever Pavlov comes over for tea.

   Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum.
Mark-Jason Dominus  
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From: (Hobson's Choice 10-Nov-1991 1223)
Subject: Buckl, Ted  

Seen on a sign in Florida, outside the prison:
  "Buckle up, Ted, it's the Law."

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From: (Anand)
Subject: A complete story

My sister told me this one a long time ago.

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write
a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion,
Sex, Religion and Mystery.  One student allegedly handed in the following

"My god!" cried the duchess.  "I'm pregnant.  Who did it?"

- anand

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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