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Material from the one-liner file

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

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From: ark@eclipse.Stanford.EDU (Arthur Keller)
Subject: Eye condition

I went to the ophthalmologist today about an eye condition.  To
paraphrase his diagnosis, I had enough blood and sweat, but not enough
tears.  His suggestion was to stay off my eyes for a while.

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Organization: Advanced Micro Devices; Sunnyvale, CA
From: (Karen Black)
Subject: Original; Supermarket accident

At the store yesterday, I came upon a giant glass jar of maraschino
cherries that had broken on the floor.  As the clerk appeared with
a mop, I said, "Looks like the end of a month of sundaes."

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From: (Doughboy)
Subject: L.A. courts and looters

Geogre Wallace on BET:

The L.A. courts are so backed up with trials against all the looters, 
they've opened up a 10 items or less counter!!

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From: (Dave Elliott)
Subject: Carlin's view

George Carlin on Johnny Carson May 13:

"Some people see the glass as half full;
some people see the glass as half empty;

I see the glass as too large!"

--David E.
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Organization: UCLA Computer Science Dept.
From: (Ariel The Rogue Rogson)
Subject: Humanity's egocentrism

{I don't believe I've ever seen this before.}

Isn't humanity egocentric?  Whenever we talk, we say, "Here's my two
cents worth," but we only offer "a penny for your thoughts."

Ariel "The Rogue" Rogson
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From: (Edward L. Rodriguez)
Subject: mens' perogative

Most people know that, traditionally, it is a woman's perogative to change
her mind.
Unfortunately, few women realize that it is a man's perogative to fall asleep
after orgasm.

original =)
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Subject: George Bush Acceptance Speech

The other night, George Bush, when talking about prosperity in America said:

"In the US, the sun is always peeking over the horizon ..."

Does this mean by the end of his next term, America will be know as the
"Land of the Rising Sun"?

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Subject: Disaster Areas
From: (John Hagerman)

I wonder, are the San Francisco Giants moving to Florida to avoid the
danger of earthquakes?
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From: imp@kolvir.solbourne.COM (Warner Losh)
Subject: Re: original, computers, sex

>'Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds
> getting it free.'

And for everybody that gets it for free there are thousands talking
about how great it would be to get it.

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Organization: Apple Computer, Inc
From: (Ken Blackman)
Subject: A limerick I just made up

This limerick's signed "Anonymous"
To keep the author autonomous
Cause the rhyming scheme's bad
And the scan is just sad
And the punch line is really abominous

Ken "This code won't compile, but it is in iambic pentameter" Blackman
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From: (The Nut Man)
Subject: Hardware

"Computer hardware is like an erect penis:

    It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it."

- F. Giuffrida

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From: kevink@lupine.UUCP (Kevin Kelleher)
Subject: Solution to your backup problems

> If you had something like 500 GB of disk or or more, how would
> you back it up?

Post it to

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Subject: cat behavior (original)

Q: How do cats decide when to jump suddenly up from where they were
   sitting comfortably curled up and dash madly around the room,
   knocking over everything they encounter?

A: Fuzzy logic.

				--Andrew Koenig
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Subject: Never trust... (joke) (original) (political)

  "Never trust what authorities tell you!"
				"Why not?"
  "Because Noam Chomsky said so!"

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From: (Steve Gabrilowitz)
Subject: A visit from the in-laws

Next time your in-laws (or other equally likeable sort) come to visit, remember

The word visit appears in the Bible describing when the Lord sent the plagues
to the Egyptians.

You may want to point this fact out to them...
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From: (Monty Solomon)
Subject: Dry Cleaner

Did you hear about Pee Wee Herman's new Dry Cleaning service?

It is called Drop Your Pants and Jacket Off.

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Subject: Over zealous deodorant

Seen on a commercial for Mennen deodorant:

"Gives 110% protection!"

Does this mean that it sucks moisture out of the atmosphere
and stuffs it into your arpits?
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From: (Topher Eliot)
Subject: optimism

A headline in on a magazine at the supermarket read 

	How to become an optimist in two weeks

It was only after a moment that I realized that in response, I had muttered
"I don't know.  That sounds pretty optimistic to me."

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Subject: signs of aging

	There are three ways of knowing you're getting really old:
One is memory loss . . . . and I've forgotten the other two.
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Subject: Excellent choice
From: (Howard Gayle)

I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race
during the Labor Day weekend.  A politician strikes me as an
excellent choice to preside over an event where people drive in
circles at high speed.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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