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Material from the one-liner file

Here is a set of samplings from the one-liner file.  When processing
submissions, if I see a short joke that is good but doesn't quite merit
a posting of its own, I put it in the one-liner file.  I haven't
posted the results for quite some time, so some of these are pretty old.
I have split the file up into 10 chunks of around 300 lines each.  Some
newsreaders go crazy and try to "undigestify" this -- beware.

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From: (Daniel V. Klein)
Subject: One liner

If Unix is so damn useful, why is "no" in /usr/dict/words, but "yes" isn't?
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From: (David McIntyre)
Subject: Mike Tyson

Why does Mike Tyson have tears in his eyes during sex?


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From: (Robert Gerovski)

The Soviet news agency TAS reported that one of the leaders of
the failed Soviet coup committed suicide by shooting himself in
the head. He died after the third bullet entered his head.
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From: (John Sinteur)
Subject: USSR

This is third or fourth hand, so I cannot tell you the source.

It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new
name for the USSR.

One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics.

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From: (Paul Speicher)
Subject: Pascal

Why is Pascal a five cent language?
That's how much a Nicholas Wirth (Niklaus Wirth) (nickel is worth).
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From: (Richard Murnane)
Subject: A new (?) dumb blonde joke...

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A: The trolley has a mind of its own.

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Organization: The Wizzard's Cave, East Meadow, NY
From:!utoday!jaflrn.uucp!watmath!!jaflrn!jaf@watmath (Jon Freivald)
Subject: Overheard a secretary saying...:

I overheard one of the secretaries in the office saying:

God I love it here...  Why do I work here!?
        Because I'm too old for a paper route
        Too young for social security
        and too tired to have an affair...

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From: (Guess who?)
Subject: Seen in Newsweek 11-25-91

"VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best."
        -- A microscopic message on the silicon chip inside
           one of Digital Equipment's often stolen computer
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From: (Ken Iisaka)
Subject: Topical, USSR, original

With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced
that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to
Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an
inverted U.

This is original.

Ken Iisaka               (613)564-8155 
Artificial Intelligence Laboratory                  (613)789-2932 (voice/fax)
Le Laboratoire de l'intelligence artificielle
Universite d'/of Ottawa, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada          (Espace a louer)
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From: (Rich Vitale - Sun BOS Product Assurance)
Subject: pumpkin

I heard this on WBCN in Boston last week:

Definition: pumpkin (v.): What people in Kentucky do.

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From: (lloyd allison)
Subject: terminally bad taste

Why do you go around telling everyone that you
are dying of AIDS when you are really dying of Cancer?

Because I don't want anyone screwing my wife when I'm dead.

from Rodney Rude, Australian comedian (?) 4/12/91
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Subject: Michael Jackson (original)
From: (Adam Weitzman)

Michael Jackson - "Black Or White"

Good question.

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Subject: What the Dems wanted for Christmas
From: (Richard S. Holmes)

(Adapted from an editorial cartoon:)

This year's hottest Christmas gift was the Mario Cuomo doll.  You wind it up,
and it doesn't run.
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Subject: Post holiday diet joke
From: (Ken Iisaka)

My friend, Duncan Bailey said:

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year,
but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and

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Subject: Pee Wee, Chuckle, Topical, original
From: (David Salzberg)

As we enter the New Year, newspapers across the country are running 
lists of what is in and what is out for 1992.

In my local paper, the "in" column included Pee Wee Herman.

It is amazing what a little exposure wil do for some peoples career.
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Subject: Bush illness
From: ( David Brooks, Open Software Foundation )


At a dinner in Japan yesterday, President Bush threw up and passed
out.  This was caused by a mixup in the kitchens; that plate had been
intended for Lee Iacocca.

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Subject: Spring semester advice
From: (Kevin Denelsbeck)

This is courtesy of a friend and classmate, Charles Kurak.  I thought it
might be especially appropriate for those of us just beginning new semesters
of work:

	Don't keep a negative attitude, such as

		"I will not succeed, I will not succeed."

	Instead, keep a positive attitude:

		"I WILL fail.  I WILL fail."

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From: (Christian S. Collberg)
Subject: Politicians

From the Tulanian, the Tulane alumna magazine:

   Politicians are like bananas:
   They're green when you pick 'em,
   ant then they hang around in bunches and get rotten.

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From: (Kyle E Moore)
Subject: New Ahnuld Movie

     This IS an original, by the bye...

     Apparently Arnold Schwarzenegger's next movie is going to be about the 
lives of the world's great composers.  The movie has Steven Seagal set to play 
Beethoven, Jean-Claude Van Damme will be Mozart, and when Arnie got wind of the
project, he said...

     "I'll be Bach"

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From: (Scott Shaffer)
Subject: New Michael Jackson album

 Q:  Do you know why the new Michael Jackson album is called

 A:  Because the record company execs couldn't spell "Androgynous".

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From: (Ben Feen)
Subject: Grapes of Wrath Russian Style

During a hard period in Soviet history, the government showed _The_Grapes_Of_
Wrath to the citizens, in an effort to show how much worse the United States

All the citizens saw was that even the poorest Americans owned cars.
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From: (Russ Nelson)
Subject: Love those roots


Anal sex with a stolen flaming road-kill

Told to me by a friend, original by her.
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From: (Hugh Osborne)
Subject: New World Order

I found the following in talk.politics.soviet, posted by
conrad@tharr.UUCP (Conrad Longmore).  I'm assuming that his posting it
put it in the public domain.  I have paraphrased.
It seems an obvious joke, but I've not heard it before.

Question: What is the "New World Order"?

Answer: Simple. The "New World Order" is where the New World gives all
        the orders.

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From: (Your friendly neighbourhood Lab GTA)
Subject: a suggestion to mapmakers

I just came back from Wal-mart. One of the gift items they had were these nice
globes of the earth. I noted that they had painted Germany as one country
already, but the Baltics, and of course, the Ukraine, were still painted as
part of USSR.

They really ought to sell those with this packet of stickers -- one for each
S.S.R., so that as they break off, you could paste them in.
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From: (Mike Ehli)
Subject: Safe government II

As a followup to the joke:
"Practice safe government--use kingdoms"

One of my anarchist friends commented:
Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.

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From: (Eric Iverson)
Subject: Long Dong Silver (original one liner)

I hear Long Dong Silver is quite upset about his name being mentioned
in such a disreputable place as the United States Senate.
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From: (Eric Iverson)
Subject: Brevity is the soul of wit (original one liner)

You've probably heard "brevity is the soul of wit,"
but have you heard "gravity is the soul of weight?"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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