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 This is how the system really works.

 Lots of rich Democrats splash out money on advertising campaigns
and do their best to dig up dirt on each other. The one with the
silliest name (Tsongas) drops out through lack of money.  Every
so often someone suggests Teddy Kennedy, just to make the other
candidates look good by comparison. Bill Clinton commits
adultery, smokes pot, kills 200 with a chain saw etc. but it's in
fashion this year so that's all right isn't it. Since everyone
else is even worse, Clinton gets nominated.

 Meanwhile, George Bush is being challenged by various raving
fascists who want to know why he hasn't nuked China yet.  Despite
having Dan Quayle round his neck, he brushes these challenges off
fairly easily, and even shrugs off a last-ditch attempt by
Hercule Perot. Unfortunately Nero Wolfe isn't standing, or he
would have got the nomination.

 So we go into the final with Bush against Clinton. Now it gets
really dirty. Bush's mob make up various stories proving that
Clinton is (a) Black (b) Chinese (c) Mentally Ill (d) Dead (e) A
Communist and (f) Neil Kinnock. In return Clinton points out that
Bush is an incompetent wally who is unfit even to run a computing
service. Stalemate.

 So the voters decide, and the winner is Abraham Lincoln who
turns out not to be dead after all, at least not in comparison
with Ronald Reagan, so everyone lives happily ever after.

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