If necessary, Coalition forces will commence ground operations in Kuwait.
This will be known as "Operation Desert Topping."
Paramount Pictures has just announced the release of their latest spaghetti western, "THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY" starring Mikhail Gorbachev, George Bush, and Sadam Hussein.
Q: Did you hear about the new musical group in Iraq?
A: No Kids on the Block.
President Bush went on national TV today with a startling announcement. It seems that Iraq does not actually exist.
"We've been taught since elementary school that the letter 'q' is always followed by 'u'. It should be clear that a country called Iraq cannot exist."
The President went on to explain that Desert Storm has been a massive simulation to help prepare for the war against broccoli.
Bush refused to answer accusations that this "technicality" was just an excuse to end the war gracefully.
From the Random House unabridged:
scud, v., ... 3. Archery. (of an arrow) to fly too high and wide of the mark.
% ftp bunker.baghdad.iq
Connected to bunker.baghdad.iq
220 bunker.baghdad.iq FTP server (IslamOS 1.0) ready.
Name (bunker.baghdad.iq:gbush): allah
331 Password required for allah.
230 User allah logged in.
200 Type set to I.
ftp> put BIG_BOMB.NUKE
200 PORT command successful.
150 BINARY data connection for /home/staff/gbush/BIG_BOMB.NUKE (126.96.36.199,623)
226 BINARY transfer complete.
(Original. Inspired by George Bush's calling Hussein's order of withdrawal an "outrage.")
1) Iraqi troops are to surrender all chemical weapons. Chemical weapons are defined as containing such substances as hydrogen cyanide, mustard gas, gunpowder, gasoline, and vulcanized rubber.
2) All Iraqi troops are to walk from Kuwait back into Iraq. Those who say unkind words or look at coalition soldiers in an unkind way are to crawl back.
3) Iraq must compensate Kuwait for all war reparations, outstanding debts, lodging for the duration of the troops' stay in Kuwait, and import duties for the weapons left behind.
4) All Iraqi military installations and government ministry are to have a bulls-eye at least 15 meters across on top, painted in luminescent colors.
5) The battleship Missouri, currently on patrol in the Gulf, will be moored near Basra, and the treaty-signing ceremony is to be held on board.
A sample entry from the new Iraqi Dictionary of Saddam-speak:
Victory: [vic-tor-e] n. Total rout by opposing forces, complete and utter destruction of your forces by an enemy, esp. in war time. Retreat and surrender. Known as defeat(q.v.) in other countries.
After seeing the early days of the ground war and the effectiveness of the "Saddam Line" defensive system, the correct pronunciation of "Saddam" has finally become obvious: "Maginot."
Much as I hate to admit it, this is original:
By now, I am sure we have all heard about the Saddam Hussein Condom - the one for little pricks who don't pull out in time.
Not to be outdone, President Bush has released his own prophylactic device, the Bush Condom - if the little prick doesn't pull out in time, it makes damn sure he doesn't have enough equipment left to bother anyone in the future...
Thursday, a student handing in a homework assignment observed, "If you hadn't handed out this programming assignment last week, I might have caught some of the ground war."
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
[Ed: Nice variation of an old standard--"to see the old XXXX Navy."]
[Heard on a morning radio show]
Newscaster: "Saddam Hussein claims that his forces are winning the war against Allied forces."
Disk-jockey: "What, do they get a set of American Tourister luggage and the home version of the war?"
Heard on the Rush Limbaugh radio program:
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have in common with the "luckiest man in Iraq" [referring to Gen. Swarzkopf's caption of a video showing a bridge being bombed]?
A: They both know how it feels to be bombed when crossing a bridge.
My English TA made the following observation:
I find it vaguely amusing that the two chief opponents in this battle are named "Saddam" and "Colin"...
$ cat Jokes/WWII/ItalianJokes | sed 's/Italian/Iraqi/' > IraqiJokes
That should cover about 98% of the ones posted :)