| Browse the Best of RHF: "Gulf War Jokebook" | 
Yup, here it is, yet another digest of jokes about the war. And more come in every day. The best are going out as individual postings, but there are many here that you'll probably like. Be warned, that these are likely to contain sick themes and national stereotypes of all sorts related to the war. --B.T.
Hi,
These are some jokes I posted to alt.tasteless a while ago. I was reminded of them by the matchbox joke that arrived here today. If you don't know what a telephone box is, just think "matchbox."
All but the first are original.
Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's air-tight
Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's got oil in it
Q: How do you get 30 French into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not in Iraq
Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's no fighting involved
Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a telephone box?
A: Tell them there are votes in it
Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado
Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a telephone box?
A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there
Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a telephone box?
A: Tell the MI5 men it's Penton-ville Prison
Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it
Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's the American Embassy
Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest
Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a telephone box?
A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming
Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah
Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's a target of the Allied bombers
Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a telephone box?
A: Tell them it's in Baghdad
Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a telephone box?
A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories
Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a telephone box?
A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a telephone box...
Q: How do you get 30 students into a telephone box?
A: Make the other 70 homeless
-Enjoy
Mike Mars
Attributed to Jay Leno, in this evening's paper:
It's amazing how well prepared Saddam Hussein is. In his bunker with him he has a heart surgeon in case something happens to his heart, a podiatrist in case something happens to his feet, and a proctologist in case something happens to his brain.
Which is the hottest movie in IRAQ?
Honey I SCUD the YIDs!!
While watching the Superbowl half-time show, I saw video depicting tanks travelling across sand dunes with titles saying "cleared by U.S. military." My immediate reaction was say that the area used to be filled with urban sprawl and that our military had really been effective in leveling it all.
No more supporting "our boys in the field." Even unreconstructed generals now refer to "our fighting men and women." To paraphrase NPR's Cokie Roberts, it won't be the first time it took a woman to make a boy into a man.
We now all know the original sick joke:
Q. What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?A. Nothing, yet.
Here's a variation:
Q. What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common?
A. We've bombed the shit out of all of 'em!!
(No Offense.....) :D
Here's another possible entry in "The Militant Ex-Smoker's Handbook"
I saw this sign in an elevator recently:
|
Prohibited by Ordnance |
Pretty gonzo, I'd say!
Maybe a local company is testing it on behalf of an Iraqi firm !!!
Last night CNN reported that four major oil companies have promised to freeze oil prices during operation "Desert Storm."
I suppose that they'll keep this policy in effect no matter how low the price of oil drops.
SADDAM HUSSEIN is just an anagram for HIDE US, DAMN ASS.
One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein:
Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the Union address:
"Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq."
Most memorable quote of the War:
"He asked for it, he got it, it just happened not to be a Toyota," said Prince Fahd of Saudi Arabia, of Saddam Hussein, during an interview with NBC's Arthur Kent in Dhahran approximately 12 hours after the first invasion of Iraq by Allied forces.
I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile.
They're meaner, and they can retain water for 7 days.
Camels are so mean spirited because they retain water every single day.
Considering the luck Hussein's been having with his Scud missiles and anti-aircraft guns lately I'd bet he can't use the bathroom without getting his shoes wet.
According to the news services, Saddam Hussein stated that he has committed "only a fraction of his forces." (In other words, he's committing only those forces that are still operational).
(Not mine, my 17 year old son's.)
During the first press conference with Secretary Cheney and General Powell, one reporter asked how Saddam Hussein could communicate with the United States in the event that he would want to negotiate. The general completely avoided the question.
However, recent reports indicate a weak signal emanating from central Iraq. Analysts are confirming that the voice is that of Saddam Hussein. Roughly translated, the message reads "I'VE FALLEN... AND I CAN'T GET UP!!"
My original, with apologies to Jay Leno.
Stuart Ericson AT&T Bell Laboratories
The world faces a couple of problems...
What should the US do with Iraq after the war?
Saddam is very interested in linkage to Palestine...
The Palestinians have been looking for a homeland...
The clear solution would seem to be, the creation of the new Palestinian Homeland... Iraqestine.
Q: What does one Raytheon engineer say to another?
A: How about them Patriots?
From Tom Blair in the San Diego Union, January 20, 1991:
What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why she's leaving the country?
a) "We're having some remodeling done."
b) "The exterminators are coming."
c) "We're getting the carpets bombed."
d) All of the above.
From the British satirical radio show "Week Ending":
Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we do?"
Bush: "Send in Colin Powell!"
Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?"
Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!"
Powell: "Sir!"
Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on Wednesday night?"
Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city razed to the ground, Sir!"
Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon! Give it to me in words I can understand."
Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral upheaval, Sir!"
Bush: "That bad?!"
An original:
At my last bridge tournament most pairs played the standard American system. But one pair caused quite a stir with a new bidding system, standard Iraqi: whenever the opponents opened the bidding, they threw rocks at the next table.
(This is original)
I think that the best reason to have the British involved in the Gulf War is watching British journalist's distaste at having to say the word "scud."
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador
Heard on SNL 1/19/91:
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They can't turn them on anyway.
So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq?
The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace.
Bill Mandel, in the 1/20/91 San Francisco Examiner & Chronicle describes the gulf war as "War Lite, high in accomplishments with two-thirds fewer casualties than our regular war."
Heard this one on Paul Harvey's syndicated radio show yesterday. He claims it's true.
There is a rabbi in Israel, very concerned about the Iraq war and Scud missile attacks, who believes that this is finally Armageddon.
However, he tells his congregation, that being a pragmatist he is going to ask the Lord when he finally arrives:
"Is this your first or your second visit?"
I SWEAR I heard these:
"You can never tell who you are going to run into in a bomb shelter."
"We've been told to stay inside...there are a few courageous people out there, or maybe some journalists...."
Taking censorship too far:
"According to the military, the weather has cleared...."
Source: CNN, various days, various correspondents.
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
...you only have to teach them to take off.
[ source unknown ]
U.S. Intelligence sources have confirmed that as early as last October, Saddam Hussein planned to launch a SCUD missile attack on the Super Bowl.
He knew it was the one site guaranteed NOT to have Patriots.
There once was a man from Baghdad Who suddenly made us all mad; He fired a SCUD, Which fell into mud, And declared it Islamic Jihad.
Found on a white-wall at work
Picture a comic strip type joke:
1st picture: George Bush holds an egg...."Saddam, this is your brain."
2nd picture:Puts egg in pan...."This is your brain on drugs."
3rd picture: Adds bacon...."This is your brain with a side order of bacon."
4th picture: Holds Uzi over pan..."This is your brain if you don't get out of Kuwait."
5th picture:
_______
/|||||||\
||{ }|||______
||{___}|||______|
\|||||||/
ANY QUESTIONS????
Thought of in a recent blab session:
The size of oil spills should be measured in units of Valdez. The latest I heard was that we have about a "15 Valdez" or "15 Vz" slick in the Persian Gulf.
Q. Why is Saddam Hussein unable to make a withdrawal?
A. Because all the cashpoints in Baghdad have been bombed.
Scene: Daily military press briefing in Saudi Arabia by Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, Jan. 30, 1991, 12:00 CST
When asked by a reporter about a dubious newspaper article, Gen. Schwarzkopf replied that the story fell into the category of "bovine scatology."
Israel has begun its retaliation against Iraq: it's filed 10,000 lawsuits.
...Have you noticed that Saddamn Hussein showed up at EXACTLY the same time that Salmon Rushdie disappeared?
(pass it on to the Ayatollah)
jdeitch@umiami.ir.miami.edu (Jonathan Deitch) writes:
Does anyone know if Bagdad University or another Iraqi university is still active on a network with an international reach?
Try saddam@bunker.rubble.bagdahd.iq
But don't blame me if the network is unreachable.
Q. What is common between Saddam and Dukakis
A. They both couldn't believe they were losing to Bush
This is the current message I have on my machine:
"I am currently under missile attack and cannot come to the phone right now. If you leave your name and message I will hopefully be able to get back to you in the near future."
Hank Nussbacher, Israel
P.S. To try from USA dial: 972-52-920165
Packaged in a camouflage patterned box and offered for sale by a local merchant.
Thanks--Mike Coyne (Coyne@utxvm.bitnet)
Brad, I asked an Austrian friend what the Blitzer in Wolf Blitzer meant, and he told me it meant "Flasher." He went on to explain some of the other names of the CNN crew:
Bierbauer - Beer Farmer Scherzer - Joker Begleiter - Accompianist
I thought that this might interest the author of joke number 2190 who likes the inherent humor of the name "Wolf Blitzer," because it seems that there are quite a few other cute ones as well....
Yet another Iraq joke, told by a friend of my father's in Oakland ( I haven't seen it posted anywhere, but I don't read the newsgroups too regularly ) :
Reports from Baghdad indicate that allied bombing raids recently destroyed one of the most important buildings in Iraq; the 7-Eleven Training Center.
I can't quite call anything that drops off a plane traveling several hundred miles an hour and few thousand feet in the air to dive nose first into a concrete wall just to explode "smart."
How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52...F-16...B-52
George Bush, Francois Mitterand and Saddam Hussein are sitting in a bar, drinking and bragging.
GB: If I stand on the Statue of Liberty I can see all of New York below me.
FM: No big deal. If I stand on the Eiffel tower I can see all of Paris below me.
SH: So what? If I stand on my chair I can also see all of Baghdad below me...
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....
A quote from the Wall Street Journal, 1/25/91
As the first days of the war passed, the computer underground's particular brand of humor, always a bit warped, has taken a newly morbid tone. An oil-worker in Khahran posted this weather forecast on Last Outpost (BBS):
"Baghdad will be bright and sunny, with lows in the mid-40s and highs in the upper 10,000s. Winds will be from the south, southeast, and southwest at 1,500-1,800 knots. Sunscreen 300 is recommended. Chances of precipitation of molten objects are 90-99%"
The Iraqi Air Force: We fly more international flights out of Baghdad than any other carrier in the world.
Recently the US Air Force slogan has been changed to "Aim Low."
US Air over-night delivery service:
When you absolutely need to get it there over-night ... we GUARANTEE delivery before 4:30 in the morning. The US Air Force, we run the most dangerous ship in the shipping business.
The Navy, it's not just a job, it's an extended middle-east vacation cruise.
(These are originals)
Despite the negative media coverage, the Iraqi ground forces are actually performing their task with alarming success. Clearly, their first objective in the campaign is to destroy the massive coalition stockpiles of conventional weapons.
(Original.)
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