Here is the probable last Iraq digest, full of items I have been saving up. Enjoy (or not). Some are probably offensive.
Heard from a co-worker whose login name is JOKE.
Q. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their Whey.
Paraphrased from one of the major news anchors reporting on the Iraqis having arrived for the cease-fire talks:
"Once again, the Iraqis were well-dressed. It seems they have better tailors than military tactics."
>> From: email@example.com
>> Subject: ROOMMATE WANTED
>> Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org>
>> Date: 24 Feb 91 00:00:00 GMT
Hello! My name is Saddam Hussein. I recently moved to New York. I am looking for a roommate to share my basement apartment at 1991 Bombs Helter # -1, NY. The apartment is well furnished with 3 machine guns, 6 toy guns, and 4 hand grenades. I must admit it is in a rather rough neighborhood, but since we will be living underground, we will have nothing to worry about.
I go to school at NYU. I am trying to major in Chemistry, my minor is Weapon Systems. I spend most of my time in the lab conducting experiments. I rarely find time for anything else. Sometimes, not even to read light bulb and matchbox jokes on RHF. I used to work part-time at a nearby Gulf station, but was laid off when gas prices went down. I need cash desperately, and a roommate....
P.S.: Please don't reply to this account. I have reasons to believe my incoming e-mails are being intercepted by the CIA.
On Tuesday, Paul Harvey cited a rumor (since denied) that Saddam Hussein's son had been killed in rioting. He noted that they still hadn't managed to Baghdad....
Some commercial for the local bar "BULLWINKLE'S" was advertising a party they were throwing for Saddam losing the war. Part of it was this.....
"...come try the new SCUD PUNCH... I can't tell you what's in it but it goes down real easy!!!!"
On the contrary, SCUD jokes are very popular, though mostly silly (I wonder if staying too long in a sealed room affects one's brain?). Some examples:
Where does Saddam hide his missiles? In Scudinavia!
What kind of car does he drive? A Scudillac!
What should one do before crossing a street in Ramat-Gan [the town which had the most hits]? Look to the right, to the left, and upwards!
(From a stand-up comic on TV): "They told us the chances of being hit by a SCUD are like winning the big prize in the state lottery. But they forgot to tell us there are going to be three drawings every night!"
(This should be rot-13): What's the best thing a man can do while making love wearing gas masks? Plug her air filter--she'll move like she's never moved before!
Saw this on a car wash billboard in Indianapolis:
IRAQI AIR FORCE MOTTO:
I CAME I SAW IRAN
The author of a letter to the editor in today's Raleigh (North Carolina) News and Observer suggested that the Iraqi army should adopt the license plate motto used in North Carolina:
(Kitty Hawk, where the Wright brothers made the first controlled powered human flight, is in North Carolina).
Have you ever noticed that Rickey Henderson and Saddam Hussein are the same man? They must be, since, besides never seeing them in the same place, they both have a sudden need for extra money that they didn't have a year ago and both make their living while running.
You'll probably get dozens of this one, since I heard it on Arsenio Hall last night. Unfortunately, I failed to get the name of the comedian.
"They've decided to punish Saddam Hussein for invading Kuwait.
They're going to make him speed through LA in a white Hyundai."
What do Sadaam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Here are a couple of jokes that are floating around Israel:
Q: How does one know if Patriot is kosher? A: If it chews its cud.
Q: What name is given to newly born Jewish kids? A: Nachman Q: What name is given to newly born Arab kids? A: Saddam Q: What name is given to newly born Ethiopean kids? A: Schwartzkopf.
Q: What is said over an unlucky Jew who is hit by a Scud? A: Scudal V'scudash.
(These may be a bit esoteric for a wide gentile audience)
I hear Taco Bell is planning on suing the Iraqi army which has been using their slogan "Make a Run for the Border"
Did you hear that Saddam just shot his wife?
He caught her drinking a Busch.
The outcome of the Iraqi war reminds me of a Denver Broncos Superbowl game; a flood of media hype, followed by a complete blowout.
This is original with a non-net friend of mine, Will Murray:
Q: What is Schwarzkopf's reply to threats from Saddam Hussein?
A: "Yeah? You and what army?"
Now that the war is over, doctors and dentists have been checking the Iraqi POW 's. The dentists are finding that 30 Iraqi soldiers equal one set of teeth.
--part of an opening remark from a Research Administrator's meeting---
From a New York times advertisement
* Enjoy driving that face 300 yds. * Excellent Gift * Take out your frustration
This was told to me by my girlfriend... it was told to her by a co-worker whose brother just got home from the Gulf region. He flew on some of the air sorties, firing some of the "smart" technology weapons.
Apparently, for several missions this group had been trying to knock out one particularly well-constructed bunker which contained an ammo depot, plus some control operations centers. Several hits to the roof (highly reinforced concrete) proved to be ineffective. So, at one pre-mission briefing, our pilot is told to use a "smart" weapon against the FRONT DOOR of the bunker. The actual target was, in fact, the door lock and handle mechanism, in hopes that a direct hit would make access to the bunker more difficult.
So the mission goes up as scheduled, and the pilot "acquires" his target (the door lock) and fires. As the door was almost as sturdy as the walls, they thought there would be detonation right on the door, but to their surprise the missile kept going right inside the bunker and detonated... in quite a impressive manner, apparently.
Video footage shot from the plane showed that, about one second before the missile was to hit, an Iraqi solder had opened the door!
(I can't guarantee it, but this is supposed to be true)
Sign seen on the Marines' first division command center, Saudi Arabia:
MARINES: When you care to send the very best.
The Iraqi versions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
Supposedly this joke has been going around Moscow (from the current FORTUNE):
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
FROM: Dan Quigley @ Microsoft
(Jan - Feb 1991)
Allied KIA's ... 182
People killed in US traffic accidents during same period of time ... 4,440
(source: US News and World Report)
[This has been haunting me--I hope it is not deja vu]
[Wash., D.C.]--In a press conference today, President Bush announced that, in light of the great popularity he is enjoying, he wants to be described in news reports as "American Strongman George Bush." "President Bush, while respectful, just does not have that ring to it." Recent events in the Middle East, and Panama have demonstrated not only his manhood but his strength.
When asked if the title shouldn't be changed to "North American Strongman," Bush replied that any tinpot dictator that wanted to take the title away from him, should just go ahead and try. "After all, why should Manuel get a title like that when I helped him get where he got?"
"This should put to rest any lingering doubts in the minds of the people about my manhood. I can now take it out of escrow."
USA Today, March 14, 1991:
George Bush--leader of the free world.
Translated to contemporary English:
George Bush--mother of all presidents.
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