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The One-Liner file Annual, Nov 90
(chuckle, various)

This is the one-liner file annual, a collection of the various short jokes,
puns and one liners that didn't excite me enough to be given a posting of
their own, but yet are still worth reading.

Now an apology -- I let this file sit for quite some time, and when I
came to look at it today, the middle of it was garbage -- blocks from
other files.   Sadly it is this way on the backups, too.  So it is
far shorter than it should be.  If you submitted something, and got
a note that it would go in the oneliner file, and it isn't here (with your
name or somebody else's -- don't just grep for your name, I removed
duplicates) you can send it again with a note that it's for the oneliner file.

From: (Mathemagician)
Subject: Neutron Bomb II

Paraphrased from "Global Village News" from Nickelodeon:

The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II.
Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people
and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
From: (David Brooks)
Subject: Infant sexuality

Heard on WEEI Boston today:

  "[A recent survey finds that] 15-to-19-year-olds now have fewer sexual
   partners than they did ten years ago."

And you thought they were playing doctors and nurses.
From: an@??.UUCP

    That money talks, I'll not deny.
    I heard it once.  It said "good-bye".
From: (Steven Grimm)
Subject: So how come they all have oily hair?

How did the computer scientist die in the shower?

He read the directions on the shampoo: Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.
From: (Ben Chronister)
Subject: College

College is a fountain of Knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
From: (Davin Milun)
Subject: An apple a day

Think of how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a
bucket of apples.
From: (Jay Wooten)
Subject: Merger
Did you hear about the merger between Honeywell and Fairchild ?  The new
company will be known as: Fairwell Honeychild

From: (Eric)
Subject: Product advertising claim

    [This is original.]

    There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If you
    buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
    and demand a refund?

Subject: Math/Light-bulb joke (original)

  Q: How many ancient Greek mathematicians does it take to replace
     a light-bulb?
  A: Infinitely many!  The first does half the job, the next a quarter,
     the third does one-eighth etc.

From: (Bill White)
Subject: Mathematics, original (as far as I know!)

Q: What's a polar bear?

A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Subject: spring break

Dumb Q: When the heck is Spring break ?

Dumb A: Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are 
        in two pieces.

From: (Ron McDowell)
Subject: obfuscated manual entry

From the X-windows xwud(1) man-page...

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
From: (Dave Hiebeler)
Subject: cafeteria cows

  Jeff Marder told this one on Fox's "Comic Strip Live", 3/10/90:

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
From: SCOTT@ithaca.UUCP
Subject: What do you have if?

"What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
the other hand?"

"One HELL of a moth!!"
From: georgem@microso.UUCP (George MOORE)
Subject: The Master of Macabre

    "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
     true.  I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."

					-- Stephen King, 3/8/90

From: (Spannring)
Subject: marriage

      The tri stages of sex in marriage-

         1)  Tri-weekly
         2)  Try-weekly
         3)  Try-weakly
From: (Steve Penoncello)
Subject: Medical survey results

      Heard on Leno's monologue a few weeks ago:

       The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10
       doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
From: (Tigger)
Subject: New VAX/VMS command

Several people on the BITNET RELAY system one night decided that Digital
needs to add a new command to VAX/VMS:

Subject: fat women

What do you call a 300 pound woman in Minnesota?
From: (Steve)
Subject: How to achieve peace in our time

	"If people ate what they killed,
	 there would be NO MORE WARS!"

From: (David Purdue)
Subject: The wonders of modern technology!

Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so
fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!

From: (Richard S. Holmes)
Subject: Laws of motion, revised (#1)

Reichel's Law: 

  A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an
outside force.  (Carol Reichel)
From: (Andrew Tannenbaum)
Subject: more IBM bashing
Organization: Interactive Systems, Cambridge, MA 02138-5302

IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
From: (Jordan Kare)
Subject: Making a Killing (Original)

The price of political asassinations in Eastern Europe
has dropped by a factor of two in recent weeks.

It seems the KGB is going out of business, so they're
having a liquidation sale.
From: chuck%bose (Chuck Cox)
Subject: brown-nose vs. shithead

Heard during Will Durst's routine at Catch a Rising Star...

What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?

Depth perception.

From: larry@birdsong.uucp (Lawrence T. Hardiman)
Subject: Movie Ratings
Organization: Birdsong -- A Private System

Q: What does the new movie rating "NC-17" stand for?

A: Not in Cincinati or within 17 miles thereof.

From: FIN13@msu.UUCP (Mary.Nelson)
Subject: work (lack of)

I clipped this Frank and Ernest comic out of the paper about a year ago:

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.  "Ever since
they threatened to fire me," Frnak replied.
From: (Duncan Elliott)
Subject: The doctoral candidate's creed ...

Death before dissertation.
Subject: Signature Hits the point

"The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like
 someone beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I
 can see why!" -- Harry Skelton (harry@usrgrp)
From: (Emery Berger)
Subject: Volkswagen headache

Q.  What do you call it when someone rubs a Volkswagen van on your head?

A.  A Fahrvergnoogie.
From: (Mike Scullin)

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master merely stays out
   of the way.
From: (Filip Sawicki LAKE)
Subject: Saloon I

A skeleton in the saloon:
"One beer and one towel, please !"

From: (Andrew Cagney - aka Noid)
Subject: Definition of sloppy

sloppy: /'slopi/,
	a) adj, -pier, -piest,  1. muddy, slushy or very wet.  2. week,
	   silly or maudlin.  3. loose, careless or slovenly.
	b) noun, colloq, -s, student living of parents, pre-yuppie stage.
It's much more descriptive than YUPPY, DINKY [part of the definition
is lifted from `The Macquarie']

From: (Dave Elsworth)
Subject: Defintions


Spoonerism: Having wrubble with your turds.

From: sayah_k@unicom.UUCP (KIANUSCH... Yes, Kianusch himself !!!)
Subject: Lifestyle
Organization: Science Computer Center, Marin Community College, Kentfield CA

				Make WAR not SEX,
				   it's safer!

From: (David Sherman)
Subject: cut here (from a recent Usenet posting)

--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------

(source code appeared next)

From: (Jim Fradkin)
Subject: animals in pantyhose

Q: How many animals can you find inside a lady's pantyhose?
A: Fourteen.  Ten little piggies, two calves, a beaver, 
	and a dead fish you never can seem to find!

Subject: answering machine message [original]

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

From: greg@dekalb.UUCP (Greg Philmon)
Subject: Radio joke

Recently on an Atlanta radio station, they were playing one of their "mock
commercials" they dream up.  

The slogan was:  "The Stealth Condom - they'll never see you coming."

(From March 11, long before a company decided to make these and got sued
by Northrup)
From: friedl@mtndew.UUCP (Steve Friedl)
Subject: Oddball mathematical proof

[ From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen ]

Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs

Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs,
and in front they have fore legs.  This makes six legs, which is
certainly an odd number of legs for a horse.  The only number
that is both odd and even is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an
infinite number of legs.

Subject: Robotic life

A cartoon in Thrust magazine by Teddy Harvia:
The scene depicts two robots. One robot is lying supine on
a couch and the second robot is sitting on a chair facing the couch.
The second robot is grasping a notebook and pencil and is saying,
"When did you first realize you hated your manufacturer?".

From: (Pete Harlan)
Subject: Another Fast Woman

Heard at a campus comedy competition:

I'm not saying my sister was a loose girl in high school,
but they put her picture in the yearbook sideways...

From: dre@myrias.UUCP (Duane Eitzen)
Subject: An excerpt from Tehran University catalogue:

ENGL 323: English Literature
  This course will concentrate on critical analysis of various
	works from Britain, Canada and the United States. Knowledge of 
	the English language is not required but experience with plastic 
	explosives is recommended. This course is not open to students who have 
	martered themselves in previous offerings from this department.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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