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Urine Testing

robin@ccb.ucsf.EDU (Robin Colgrove)
(truenews, gross, smirk)

With all the brouhaha over drug testing
i was reminded of my favorite (true! cross my heart!)
urine sample story.

I did my undergraduate work at a place where students
are better known for brains than good sense but this one
takes the cake. A friend who lived down the hall went
to student health for a checkup and they asked for
-among other things- the standard urine sample.

"Just put it in this envelope," instructed the nurse.

Now, this did seem a little odd to the befuddled
student but, gee, he'd never given a urine sample before
and it WAS a rather large, thick, official-looking and apparently
water-proof envelope. Entering the men's room, he
failed to notice the plastic bottles that -once filled-
were supposed to go in the aforementioned envelope and
so began carefully to fill the envelope with urine
(making sure to leave a prudent space at the top to guard
against sloshing).

He was appreciative that the long axis 
of the envelope's opening lessened what might otherwise
be strong constraints on the necessary accuracy of fluid flow
trajectories but was at a loss when it came to deciding how to 
seal the filled envelope. To lick the adhesive seemed like
courting disaster so after a couple of tentative attempts he
settled for a toilet-moistened finger. A few careful squeezes
allowed the student to assure himself that the sample would not
leak and so he zipped his fly and got ready to leave. The nurse,
already concerned at the length of time the guy was spending
in the men's room was, needless to say, flabbergasted when
he emerged gingerly balancing the urine-filled envelope.

He realized something was seriously amiss when the  nurse
began to sputter and grimace wordlessly. "Here's the sample" he said,
delicately setting the waterlogged artifact on her desk.

"This is the right envelope, isn't it?"

At the next student house elections we elected him by acclamation
to the newly created office of House Urinal (in Perpetuity).
		-rc colgrove

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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