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This came through Last night, on soc.religeon.paganism.

------ "Copyright 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to repost as long as the contents are unaltered and this notice is attached."

"Minor additions by S'BAT Chapter made with the author's permission."

THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL

Materials required:

On the altar are

     brown candles, 
     a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame), 
     a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), 
     a small dish of Hershey's Syrup and a spoon, 
     a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, 
     a plate of cupcakes, 
     some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet, 
     and small dish of chocolate ice cream. 

The Celebrants 

     Handmaiden (Henceforth known as Swiss Miss) 
     High Priestess (Henceforth known as Betty Crocker) 
     Page (Henceforth known as Pillsbury Dough Boy) 
     High Priest (Henceforth known as Mr. Goodbar) 

Cleanse the Sacred Space 

Pillsbury Dough Boy take the small dish of chocolate sprinkles 

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast 
No calories in thy presence last. 
Let no harm adhere to me 
And as I will so mote it be! 

Swiss Miss take the small dish of Hershey's Syrup, spoon and large 
glass 
with milk 

Hershey's Syrup where thou art cast 
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. 
Let all good things come unto me, 
and make my milk all chocolatey! 

Cast The Circle 

Betty Crocker using a tootsie roll as athame walks around the circle 
three 
times 

Mr. Goodbar intones the invocation 

In the beginning, 
there was the word. 
And the word was Chocolate. 
And it was good. 
Confections: 1.5 oz., 240 cal. 

Call the Quarters 

Betty Crocker 
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! 
Great princess of the palace of dessert! 
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers 
approaching from the East. 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Fondue of the South, Molten one! 
Great prince of the palace decadence! 
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all diets 
approaching from the South. 

Swiss Miss 
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one! 
Great princess of the palace of thirst quenchers! 
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all carob 
approaching from the West. 

Mr. Goodbar 
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one! 
Great prince of the palace of crunchy comfort food! 
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all cheap 
imitations approaching from the North. 

MAIN RITUAL 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate, who was of old called: 
Godiva, Suzi Q, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Fanny Farmer, Sara Lee, 
and by many other names: 

Swiss Miss 
Whenever you have one of those cravings, 
once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, 
then shall you assemble in a great public place 
and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, 
who is Queen of all Goodies. 

In the mall shall you assemble, 
you who have eaten all of your chocolate and are hungry for more. 
To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. 
And you shall be free from depression. 
And as a sign that you are truly free, 
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, 
and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in 
my 
presence. 

For mine is the ecstasy of theobromine, 
and mine is also the joy on earth, 
yea, even into high orbit 
for my law is "melts in your mouth, not in your hand." 
Keep clean your fingers, 
carry Wet Ones always, 
let none keep you from Me. 

For Mine is the secret that opens your mouth, 
and Mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips 
and comfy padding pounds on your hips. 
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy 
onto the tummies of women and men. 

Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, 
and beyond death 
well, I can't do much there. 
Sorry about that. 

I demand only your money in sacrifice, 
for behold, 
chocolate is a business, 
and you have to pay for those truffles 
before you eat them. 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, 
she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, 
whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere: 

Betty Crocker 
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, 
and the satisfying softness of big bars, 
the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, 
and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, 
call unto thy soul to arise and come unto Me. 

For I am the soul of candy, 
from Me do all confections spring, 
and unto Me all of you shall return, 
again.... and again... and again.... and again. 

Before My smeared face, 
beloved of women and men, 
thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of 
overdose. 
Let My taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. 
For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are My rituals. 

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, 
crispness and crackling, 
big slabs and bite size pieces, 
peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. 

And you who think to seek Me, 
know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not 
unless you know the Mystery: 
"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it" 

For behold: 
I have been with you since you were just a baby, 
and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. 
Messed be. 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called: 
Milton Snavely Hershey, 3 Muskateers, Fudgesicle, Devil Dog, Mars, 
Willy 
Wonka and by many other names: 

Mr. Goodbar 
I am the strength of the candy rack, 
and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have 
gotten 
too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. 

No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, 
I will hunt you out, 
and I will become your sacred prey. 

I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, 
and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive 
Godiva 
store downtown. 

I give you My creatures, 
the fire of love of chocolate, 
the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way 
bar 
and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. 

You are dear to Me, 
and I instill in you the power of a piece of chocolate that you had 
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight 
with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. 

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, 
I charge you, 
by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot 
and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, 
and by the beauty of a perfectly formed Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, I 
charge 
you. 

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. 
The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would 
envy. 
Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, 
and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. 

Yet you must be wary of deceit. 
Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate," 
for it is vile and bitter. 

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. 
Be not greedy, 
but let yourself be known as a connoisseur. 
Leave a little for someone else. 

I am with you always, 
just over your shoulder, 
or around the next corner. 

I am the Lord of Chocolate, 
and when you have reached the end of you hoard, 
I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the 
corner. 

I am the spirit of the wild child, 
the inner child who can never get quite enough. 
If you are a true chocolate lover, 
then your soul and mine are intertwined. 

Cupcakes and Yoo-Hoo 

Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo 

Mr. Goodbar 
Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate 

Betty Crocker 
Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate" 

Swiss Miss 
And neither one is carob 

Mr. Goodbar 
As the frosting is to the cupcake 

Betty Crocker 
So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
And when they are eaten, 
they are yummy in truth, 

Swiss Miss 
for there is no greater snack in all the world 
than one made of chocolate. 

blessing of the cupcakes 

Mr. Goodbar & Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Frosting is keen 

Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss 
And frosting is neat 

Mr. Goodbar, Pillsbury Dough Boy, Betty Crocker & Swiss Miss 
Great Goddess! Let's eat! 

Feasting and Drinking 

Dismiss Quarters 

Betty Crocker 
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the East, 
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, 
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, 
we say unto you, 

All participants 
"Choooooooc-laaaaate" 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the South, 
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, 
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, 
we say unto you, 

All participants 
"Choooooooc-laaaaate" 

Swiss Miss 
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the West, 
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, 
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, 
we say unto you, 

All participants 
"Choooooooc-laaaaate" 

Mr. Goodbar 
Oh, ye mighty goodies of the North, 
we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, 
and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, 
we say unto you, 

All participants 
"Choooooooc-laaaaate" 

Mr. Goodbar: After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final 
satisfying 
belch at the east 

Open Circle 

Pillsbury Dough Boy 
Go now in perfect love, 
perfect trust, 
and perfect chocolate 

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