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Hospital Cost Containment (Mark A. Cochran)

	I am a neonatologist, so I often get find it necessary to make late
night visits to the hospital. While exiting through the ED last night,
I was stopped by one of the nurses and given a copy of this. I don't
know where it originated, and although it's apparently only floating
around the ED, none of the staff there is willing to confess.

To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

	Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In
addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be
provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity
of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security
surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching
cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.
	Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
need to let their familes know to bring something or may make
arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated
telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as
well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
	Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and
ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of
non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill.
Time cards will be provided.
	As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is
assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be
reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk
outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.
	Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be
checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
"Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
	Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accomidated by only performing
blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.
	Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two
X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required
by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and
physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for
one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any
extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.
	In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been
asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc.,
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift
	In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor.
Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to
contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for
antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and,
coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO's

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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