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The Brothers Methrin (Robert Baruch)

Yea, listen and hearken to my voice for I shall tell thee a tale of woe,
a tale of anguish, a tale of alchemy!

1. And I did purchase an RX-7 and did place it in my garage, enjoying it.

2. And I did stop enjoying it when I discovered Horrid Arachnids living in it.

3. And the Horrid Arachnids did emigrate from the RX-7 to the garage,
   no doubt planning to turn the garage into Spider City.

4. And I, in my arachnophobia, looked upon this situation as intolerable.

5. And I shouted to the Gods, saying, "O this is intolerable.  Send me an
   angel that I might eradicate the Horrid Arachnids!"

6. And the Gods sent the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin.

7. And the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin spake unto me, "Build us two
   temples, and thou shalt call them Ortho and Black Flag."

8. And the angels spake unto me further, "If thou wilt use our true power,
   so must thou statest our true names."

9. And I raised my arms and chanted unto Tetra Methrin, "Thy true name is

10. And I raised my arms a second time and chanted unto Su Methrin, "Thy true
    name is 3-phenoxybenzyl-(1RS, 3RS; 1RS, 3SR)-2,2-dimethyl-3-

11. And the angels did smile.

12. And I didst enter the garage of Horrid Arachnids and begin to find Horrid
    Arachnids and spray them.

13. And I didst deliver approximately ten Horrid Arachnids to their Maker,
    cursed be his name.

14. And I shouted unto the Gods, saying "Thank you for the angels, but it
    is not enough!"

15. And the Gods spake unto me, saying "Wherefore art thou dissatisfied?
    Surely the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin are doing their jobs."

16. And I spake unto the Gods, saying "Verily they do their jobs.  But I must
    transport them to each Horrid Arachnid myself.  I need something that
    will track down each Horrid Arachnid without my intervention.  And don't
    call me Shirley."
17. And the Gods did nodnod at my reasoning (frowning a bit at the end), and
    verily sent they down the Archangel Per Methrin.
18. And the Archangel Per Methrin spake unto me, saying "My temple is Raid,
    and I am the Fumigator.  You know the routine."
19. And I spake unto Per Methrin, chanting "Thy true name is (3-phenoxyphenyl)-
    methyl-(+/-)-cis, trans-3-(2,2-dichloroethenyl)-2,2-dimethyl-
20. And Per Methrin did smile and nodnod happily.
21. And I didst bring the Fumigator Per Methrin to the garage.
22. And I didst set the Archangel down on the floor.
23. And Per Methrin spake unto me, saying "Thou hast two minutes to vacate the
    premises.  Do not come back for three hours, lest thou suffer by my
24. And I didst vacate the premises hastily.
25. And Per Methrin didst begin his deadly (but pleasing) work.
26. And before the three hours was up, I tired greatly and fell to sleep. 
27. And the next day I stumbled to work, forgetting about the Fumigator.
28. And by the time I didst return it had been twenty hours since the
    Fumigator began his deadly (but pleasing) work.
29. And when I didst return, I didst open the door to my garage to air it out,
    obeying the instructions scribed on the walls of the temple Raid.
30. And I didst air out my garage for thirty minutes as decreed by the words
    scribed on the walls of the temple Raid.
31. And after this time I didst hesitantly enter into my garage, fearful
    that hordes of Horrid Arachnids would descend upon me and tangle in my
32. And I was pleased to see that the Archangel had gone and had left behind
    approximately ten more Horrid Arachnid corpses (including one Big Mother
    of a Horrid Arachnid) and ten Wasp corpses.

33. And I didst rejoice.
34. And I didst take unto mine hand a Broom of Sweeping, and so didst I
    sweep the floors, walls, ceilings and especially the corners of my
    garage of corpses and webs.
35. And lo and behold, the toll was approximately ten Horrid Arachnids and
    ten Wasps, making twenty insects destroyed by the Fumigator Per Methrin,
    blessed be his name.
36. And as for the car, I am still loathe to enter it, though I will do so
    eventually to clean out more corpses.
37. And I didst thereupon spray the floors, walls, ceilings and especially  
    the corners of my garage with the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin in
    the hopes that it will be a sign and a ward against potential future
    Horrid Arachnid residents.
38. And after I was done, I didst take a shower and vigorously wash my hair,
    for my scalp was still crawling.
39. Sing praises to the angels Tetra Methrin and Su Methrin and to the
    Archangel Fumigator Per Methrin.
40. Hallowed be their temples Ortho, Black Flag and Raid.
41. May the Brothers Methrin reign over mounds of insectile corpses forever.
42. Here endeth the lesson.  Amen.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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