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The True News Digest part 21/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Josh 'K' Hopkins)
Subject: Grading policy

	As classes come to a close, some professors like to lighten up their
classes a little.  One I know used a dart board for a demonstration with 
student involvment.  After class the next professor came in, saw the dartboard
and quipped "It's a little early to be grading isn't it?"
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From: (Craig Good)
Subject: A great mystery solved

	I was driving today down Highway 101 in Marin County when I passed
a Volvo festooned, as is the local custom, with a bumper sticker on the
painted portion of the trunk lid.  It read:


	You know, I always wondered where Democrats came from.
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From: (The KevMan)
Subject: Religious clash

My 3-year-old second cousin recently showed us the dangers of religion at
too early an age by saying:

	"I know Jesus loves me 'cause Fievel tells me so."
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From: (Thomas Gunter)
Subject: What's in a name (Part II)?   --topical?--

The City University of Newcastle upon Tyne story reminded me of the
following (true, sexaul):

Three years ago, there was a fishing event in Houston, TX, called the
Texas Woman Anglers' Tournament.  I never saw it referred to by its
acronym, and as far as I know it hasn't been repeated.
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Subject: Scots and English

I was reading the book of _The_Story_of_English_ the other day, and
in the chapter on Scots (the variety of English spoken in Scotland),
I came across the following remark about William Lorimer's translation
of the New Testament into Scots:
     In Lorimer's _New_Testament_ only the Devil speaks Standard English.
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Subject: Church Music

I occasionally work as a soloist at a neighborhood church (which shall
remain nameless).  Last week, the musicians received a memo from the
minister detailing the sermon topics for the coming months.  The memo
included the following:

"Please try to select special music which reflects the theme of the
service as indicated below.  I will appreciate any suggestions you have
for relevant hymns and for other musical or liturgical arrangements."

I was supposed to sing the solo on Mother's Day.  The theme of the service?
"The Agony of Abortion".

So, uh, anybody know any good relevant hymns for the agony of abortion?
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From: (SSR48327)
Subject: We're Not MacDonalds

Sign seen at a burger joint on Harvard Avenue, Tulsa, Oklahoma:

   Ty's Hamburgers. Over 2 Dozen Sold.
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Subject: Is that your dog?

Based on a true story from a friend:

"The other day I'm sitting on the front steps of the community
 art school where I work, talking to my friend Dave.  It's a
 small school; the secretary's office is right inside the front
 entrance.  The secretary (Betsy) is a nice woman but not very

"We're sitting on the steps shooting the breeze when a scruffy-
 looking man and his dog approach us.  After I pet the dog for
 a while, it suddenly jumps up and runs through the open front
 door into Betsy's office.  The man exclaims, "Uh oh!  Are dogs
 allowed in the building?"  Dave jokes, "Don't worry, it won't
 be the only one" (referring to Betsy).

"The guy goes inside to fetch his dog, and Dave and I start
 chatting again.  After a while we notice that the man is taking
 a long time to get his dog.  We step inside to investigate and
 are greeted by Betsy who points at the scruffy-looking man and
 asks, "Hey, have you guys met my husband?"
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From: mcmullan@Athena.MIT.EDU
Subject: Hep!

Seen on a chat system (I really saw it):

    OK, stupid question time.  The etter before m on my keyboard is broken.
    How do I ogout?
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From: (Jim Colten)
Organization: CIS at U of MN
Subject: congressman joke

I friend reports seeing the following graffiti on a hand drier in
a public restroom:

Push button for a message from your congressman.
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From: (60276000)
Subject: reader's digest, true story

i noticed in the supermarket recently:
  Reader's Digest this week has an article about "chastity in the 1990s"
  it begins on page 69
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From: (Steve Dempsey)
Subject: forceful metaphor

Seen on a bumper sticker:

   metaphors be with you
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From: (Jeff Knodel)
Subject: Headline from the O.S.U. Lantern

	Recently at the Ohio State University, there was a big deal made of 
whether or not the faculty should have final editorial review over the student 
editors.  The decision was yes, and much of the editorial staff quit, and 
started another paper called the Independent.

	Here is a front page headline from the Lantern, epitomizing the 
overall quality that the faculty has brought to the paper:

	"OSU Academy requires rape, cultural training"
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Subject: Moms and love . . .

The following is a true story:

I share an office with a number of guys, and fortunately
(or unfortunately), my parents live only a few minutes
drive away from where I work.  My mother thus never forgets
to call me at least once a day, to make sure her little baby 
is fine.

So yesterday she calls me.  My end of the conversation: 
"Hi, mom.  No, mom.  I'm fine mom.  No, I am NOT sick or tired.  
No, I haven't eaten yet.  It's okay mom.  No, you don't have to 
cook me dinner.  No, you don't have to drive here to drop it off.  
Really, I'm fine.  No, they don't work me too hard.  I'll be okay, 
mom.  No, I'm not angry, mom.  Bye, mom.  BYE, mom.  Yes, mom.  
I love you too, mom."

I hang up and my office mates are bursting with laughter.  
A few seconds later, the phone rings again.  It's my fiancee.
"Oh, hello, dear.  I'm fine, dear.  See you at five, dear."
Hang up.  My office mate Lou said, "Why do you say 'I love you
too, mom'  but not 'I love you too, dear'  ?"

"Because," I said, "My fiancee knows I love him, but my mother
is never sure."
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From: (John R Pope)
Subject: a couple of wedding incidents

At a friend's - yes he's still a friend - stag party
this weekend we heard of a couple of stories that
happened to some of his friends.

You've no doubt heard of the bridegroom being
despatched on the overnight sleeper to Inverness
etc. well Jon had a friend in the fishing industry; a
well-hungover groom was a little stressed to find
himself the morning after on a trawler in the
middle of the North Sea.....

Another couple thought, quite incorrectly, that
they had managed to keep the location of their
wedding night hotel a secret. Not only had
someone found the hotel but they'd
managed to acquire the keys. Come the morning
after, in walks the waiter:
``will that be breakfast for two?''
``you couldn't make that three could you'' 
- from beneath the bed!!
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From: (Scott A. McMullan)
Subject: Knowledgeware Greeting Card

Observed on a whiteboard where I work:

"If you don't want an entity, delete it.
 If it doesn't come back, it was yours.
 If it comes back, it wasn't yours to delete anyway."
 -- Knowledgeware Greeting Cards
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From: mehrtens_t* (Mehrtens_T)
Subject: Threatening Billboard

I just saw this billboard on the way home yesterday, which is 1 mile from the 
Massachusettes State Police barracks:

"Hope you get a ticket on the way home tonight."
Massachusettes State Lottery
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From: (Balu Nadig)
Subject: Credit-able !!

I saw this in a local grocery store in Queens:

"We give credit only to those 80 years or over".
"Then only" (in big bold letters) "when accompanied
 by their parents".
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From: (Peter Lombrozo)
Organization: Digital Instruments, Santa Barbara, CA
Subject: Truth in Advertising

                           Truth in Advertising

Our Sears is undergoing a massive remodeling, which means everything in the
store is someplace else, like the men's socks with the luggage.  However,
they didn't bother moving the ceiling signs.  When they moved the women's 
lingerie, the sign above the new spot was probably more accurate 
than they wanted:

                            MEN'S SPORTSWEAR
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From: (Dan Beauvais)
Subject: Presidential Welcome

On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote address
at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th anniversary.
Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the following sign:

                   Welcome Pres. Clinton
                       Ammo 50% off

Seen on Channel 11 WTVD (Durham, NC) 11 PM News, Oct. 12, 1993
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From: (Mark Baldridge)
Subject: NRA's irrefutable logic.  Where is my murder vaccination?

Berkshire Eagle, October 7, 1993 page A3 (An AP story from Boston):

Guns in the home found to increase risk of death
People who keep guns at home nearly triple their chances of being murdered,
usually by friends or relatives, but fail to protect themselves from
intruders ...

The article goes on to describe how the study was conducted, summarizes
aspects of the population cross sections and conclusions of the study,
and concludes with a refutation by a representative of the NRA:

However, Paul Blackman, research coordinator at the National Rifle
Association, criticized the study ...
"These people were highly susceptible to homicide," he said.
"We know that because they were killed."

I wish I had said that.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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