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The True News Digest part 20/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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Organization: Lockheed Engineering & Sciences Co.
Subject: TP

at the discount warehouse today, the lady in front of me had, as
her sole item, a package of toilet paper labeled "Marathon".

it was a twelve-pack.
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From: (Gary Martin)
Subject: Blooper

Here's a blooper I heard on a radio news report the other day:

The US may increase aid to the former Soviet Union by as much as a
billion dollars to help stabilize the rubble.
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From: (Penny Ward)
Subject: Misleading slogan (true)

A member of the wrestling team at the University of North Carolina
at Chapel Hill was acquitted last week in a much-publicized rape
case.  Today the newspapers announced that the UNC wrestling team
had decided to drop their slogan:  "UNC Wrestlers:  Always on Top."
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Subject: Sex Ed. needed

My wife, a high school teacher in small town USA told me this last night.

Janie and Bunny, two "active" high school students received permission
to leave school for an hour so Bunny could take a pregnancy test.

When they returned, Janie came to my wife's class very happy and reported
"the test came back negative, Bunny isn't pregnant."  Then my wife overheard
Janie telling another student the details, "they wanted Bunny to pee
in this cup, but she couldn't go, so I did it for her."
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From: (Craig Ross)

    A close friend was on her way to my place, when she passed the
    Greenfield Inn, in Dearborn (MI), just off I-94.  They have one of
    those big, scoreboard-style signs to display stale text and crude
    graphics in lots of banal forms, and, as usual, there were more
    than several bulbs burned out.  On this particular day, the hotel
    was advertising for its in-house restaurant, but, because of the
    burned out lights, the message took a risque twist.  It read:

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From: (Lauren Bricker)
Subject: Advertising at its finest

On the way home from school, my significant other saw a van in which the
driver was completely unaware of the great billows of smoke pouring out from
the engine compartment next to the front wheel.  

As he passed it he noticed the big letters on the side advertising "Super
Mobile Auto Repair".  
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From: (Joris van Dam (I87))
Subject: fat chance

This is from a  local politician of Amsterdam Holland, reacting to the
question if the centre of this city should be car-free :

"The chances of Amsterdam becoming a car-free city, ar as big as the
chances of me getting involved in a relationship. If it might ever come
to that, I'll calculate what it is going to cost me and I will not go
through with it after all."
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From: (Topher Eliot)
Subject: aptitude testing

A friend of a friend attended a Catholic high school.  All the young ladies
there were administered aptitude tests.  Of them, only one was determined to
be suited for the job of nun.  She also happened to be the student body's 
sole Jew.
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From: (Krishnan Sridhar)
Subject: true, funny

This really happened a few years ago on the BBC TV:

   A few highly respected commentators were covering a cricket match,
   when one of them (apparently) wanted to say that the bowler was Holding
   and the batsman was Willey. And he did it the following way (exactly
   as he said it):

	"The batsman's Holding the bowler's Willey"

   Think about it :-) 

   Well, the best part of it was that they all realised it quickly and
   started laughing, all live on the air!!
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From: (Joshua M. Sabloff)
Subject: Democratic Button

I found a reproduction of this button in a New York Times article
detailing the convention decorations:

"Democrats for Broccoli"
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From: (Ken Johnson)
Subject: Questions asked at the Tourist Office

Here are a couple of genuine requests and comments which Americans have
made to friends-of-friends at the Tourist Information Office here in
Edinburgh, Scotland:

`Do you have any photographs of the castle under construction?' (The
 castle dates back in parts to the 10th century AD)

`Can we see the original blueprints of the castle?'

`Wouldn't it have been better if they'd built the castle nearer the
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Subject: War and Peace

A headline on the front page of the Ottawa Citizen:

   Renewed Fighting Threatens Peace
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From: (Eric Boyd)
Subject: Cute News Headline

I saw this in a recent NY Times article, quoting a famous Daily
News headline ...


When a New York couple with two children had unexpected triplets, The
Daily News furnished the headline:

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From: (Mark Feit)
Organization: Engineering Research Associates, Vienna, VA
Subject: Ship for Sail?

Recently posted on

Volkswagen beetle.  Over 110,000 parsecs of experience behind her, all
her functions are normal, including a quiet-running dilithium crystal.
Her commission in the State of Maryland has expired, however, and
State Highway Klingons who penetrate her shields may zap her with
photon torpedos unless she is taken to pass her MD safety inspection.
Her AM/FM communicator functions as well as Capt. Kirk's (it never
works and appparently never did).  Go where no man has gone before - a
few women, for that matter.  650 credits.  She is docked near Conn Ave
and the Beltway.  Call 202/ xxx-xxxx days for a tour of duty at her
bridge.  Oh, yes: nice paint job, new tires, and a teensy little hole
in the otherwise fine muffler.
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From: (Edwin Hoogerbeets)
Subject: A Classified Ad with a "Tail" to Tell

I saw this today in a local classified section:

	WANTED: desperately seeking a raccoon trap. 
	Willing to buy or rent. Please phone XXX-XXXX 
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From: (Doug Harms)
Subject: Metric System Fault

I found the following in the April issue of Chemical and Engineering News:

As long as we're on the subject (of the metric system), Jerome Salny of Fair
Lawn, N.J., has heard of a school teacher who didn't like the metric system
because it's too approximate.  A meter, for example, is approximately a yard, a
liter is approximately a quart, etc.
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From: ark@eclipse.Stanford.EDU (Arthur Keller)
Subject: Conference Announcement

I recently received an 8-page announcement for a conference, but
it had two pages blank.  The announcement was probably originally
longer but it was for a data compression conference.
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From: (Timothy Daly)
Subject: virtual reality

A friend of mine decided to visit her 11 year old daughters class.
The teacher asked if anyone had heard of virtual reality (the subject
of a recent television show). No one knew of it. She then asked if
anyone would like to take a guess what it meant. One boy tentatively
raised his hand and when called on said..."plastic surgery?"
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From: (Steve Willner)
Subject: advertising

Just saw a tow truck with a large sign saying "Don't drink and drive."

Seems to me it should have said "Drink and drive.  We need the business."
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From: toma@theory.TC.CORNELL.EDU (Rory Toma)
Subject: YABJ (almost)

This is a story based on facts.

I was at a college football game a few years back, where an attractive, but
somewhat dim, blonde girl in an attempt to make conversation inquired how 
many quarters there were in a football game. Sarcastic as always, I quickly
replied "Five", to which she said "Oh" and thanked me. Seizing the opportunity,
I asked her if she had change for a dollar.
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From: (Ellen Spertus)
Subject: People Who Should Not be Allowed to Reproduce

I know a woman, "Mary", who recently married a man, "John", who had
been adopted by a childless couple.  Recently, when Mary was talking
with a friend about when she'd like to have children, the friend said,
"Aren't you worried that you and John will have trouble having
children because his parents weren't able to?"

This is a true story.  
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From: (Peter Fischman)
Subject: The Defenders - of Harvard Law School

A friend who works at Harvard Law School told me that the Defenders,
a student organization that does public defender work,
have a white shirt with black text on the back that reads,

    "Reasonable Doubt At Reasonable Prices."
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From:!nstar!bluemoon!bsbbs!apple!!nrc@apple (N. Richard Caldwell)
Organization: The Big Sky BBS (+1 614 864 1198)
Subject: Dirt Devil

From an article in the May 7, 1992 Columbus Dispatch. 

John Balch of Royal Appliance Manufacturing, makers of the 
"Dirt Devil" vacuum cleaner, talks about export markets...

"We feel that in the years to come, the world is going to be a
bigger market for us than the U.S.  It's just that there are
more people, and sooner or later, they're all going to have carpet."
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From: (Ed Taft)
Subject: Reunion gift

A friend received the following letter from his class agent in
response to a pledge he made to his alma mater.

Dear John:

Just a note to express Princeton's appreciation for your pledge of
your entire net worth and your first born for Annual Giving for this
25th reunion year. To make the contribution of your assets easier, I
enclose a return envelope for your use. Arrangements for your first
born will be made when you produce one.

Best wishes,

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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