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The True News Digest part 14/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Walter C. Daugherity)
Subject: self-serving machines?

True newspaper ad:

<National copy center chain> SPECIAL!

3 cents per copy

Self-serving machines only

I've heard of self-serving statements, but self-serving machines?  I wonder
what they serve themselves....
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From: (David C Lawrence)
Subject: The Changing Face of Language

  Gay Court is, or used to be, a street in the megabucks San Francisco
  suburb of Alamo.  The county board of supervisors, citing homosexual
  implications, social stigma and ridicule, officially changed the name
  of the thoroughfare to High Eagle Road. [...]

  Local gay activists responded with ingenuity and aplomb, announcing
  that Bay Area homosexuals would henceforth refer to themselves not
  as "gays" but as "high eagles."

        _Playboy_, October 1991, "Playboy After Hours", pp 19-20.
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From: ACCVTK@hofstra.bitnet
Subject: Kid

My friend told me this...

        Tim was  a 8th grade student. He got 98 in the math test. His father
gave him 10 dollars in order to praise his effort.

        Mother: Timmy, now you got 10 dollars in your pocket. How are you
going to plan to use it?
        Tim: (Thinks for a while) I'll buy some candy.
        Mother: Oh, be mature, hon.
        Tim: (Thinks for another moment) Well, then I'll buy some beer.
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From: (Kevin D. Quitt)
Subject: Bush has a sense of humor

    In a recent press interview, President Bush was asked to comment on
the on-going scandals in the US congress (i.e.  bouncing checks on
congress' bank, and not paying their tabs at the congressional

    Bush replied: "You mean the checks and balances?"
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From: (Michael Bennett)
Subject: Rental car workers must be bored.

Actually printed as part of my computer printed rental car receipt:

   ***FOR GREAT BLOW JOBS (619) 279-2900***
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From: (Daniel Jeuch)
Subject: Protection against?
Organization: Penn State University

In Friday, November 15th in Penn State's _The Daily Collegian_, page 21:

"Vaginal Contraception Film has been used over 10 million times by
women who want protection against pregnancy as well as enjoyment."
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Subject: choices

I have heard this at least twice on United Airlines cross-country

stewardess over the load speaker:

"We will beginning our in-flight dinner service in a few
minutes.  There are two entres on the menu tonight:
chicken in a red sauce, or beef in a brown gravy.  Because
we don't stock 100% of each entre, please have a second
choice in mind."
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From: (Audrey Davis)
Subject: Articulation

This is an original, actual statement I made during the course of a genuine
converstation I had with a friend, (yes, I'm gloating).

One night after hours and hours of study and fruitless attempts on my part
to write a paper, I ran into Brian, who asked after my state of mind.

"Oh, Brian," I sighed, "I'm feeling inarticulate."

Being the curious type, Brian inquired, "Oh?  How's that?"

He cringed and grinned simultaneously (quite a feat!) as I replied
"There are simply no words to describe it..."
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From: (David Hyatt)
Subject: funny sign

Seen a few years ago at The Fireplace, a recommendable burger, chicken,
and pizza place on Route 17 in Paramus, New Jersey:

 	|  TAKE-OUT      |
	|    BOXES       |
	|  BY  HANDLES   |
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From: (Mike Greenawalt)
Organization: m4
Subject: Contradiction

In San Jose, CA there is a supermarket which has two doors.  On one door
is the sign "Open 24 Hours".  On the other door is a sign which reads:
"After hours use other door."
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From: (Barry Padgett)
Subject: FAA

Thought you might like this....

Three things really bother me about the FAA.

one)   A plane crashed into a hotel.  The FAA reported that the crash 
	caught most of the guests by suprise.  Which means someone was
	saying, "You know Martha, I wouldn't be a bit suprised if a
	plane crashed into this here hotel tonight...."

two)   In a particular case the FAA ruled that a plane crash was caused 
	by the plane coming to close to the ground.

Three) A plane crashed after the tail stabilizer fell off.  Upon investigating
	the FAA found that forty-seven (47) of the fifty (50) screws that held
	the stabilizer on were missing, but they were not sure if that was the
	cause of the accident.
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From:!dash@watmath (David Ash)
Subject: In the Eye of the Beholder

I found the following (apparently true) gem in Harper's Index from
Harper's Magazine:

According to the average American man, the length of the average man's
erect penis is ten inches.

According to the average American woman, the length of the average
man's erect penis is four inches.
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From: (David J. Fiander)
Organization:SCO MMDF Technology Group |
Subject: Errata slip from CACM

I just spotted this in Commun. ACM 29, 7, September 1986, 922:


A Note on Undetected Typing Errors, by James L. Peterson
(Commun. ACM 29, 7, July 1986, 633--637

Figures 2 and 3 are transposed.  The figure legends are correct.
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From: (Steven C. Weintz)
Subject: Winston's Navy

Sir Winston Churchill was a man of sharp tongue and ready wit. While First
Lord of the Admiralty in the years leading up to World War I, he offended
the Royal Navy brass with his modernization program and high-handed manner.
The old salts claimed he was "failing to uphold the traditions of the Navy",
whereupon Winston shot back, "and what are the traditions of the Navy? 
They are three: rum, sodomy, and the lash. Good Day, gentlemen."
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From: (Starship Trooper)
Subject: Cooked to death

Saw this on a broken microwave at UCSF Med Center:

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Organization: Open Software Foundation Research Institute, Grenoble
Subject: Traffic violation

From the London _Independent_, 16 November (The Week in Review):

Alain Basseux, a laboratory technician, took umbrage at another driver
on a roundabout in Yorkshire, pursued him for two miles, and when he
stopped to call police on his car phone, yanked the door open,
threatened to kill him if he drove so inconsiderately again, then kicked
shut the door.

He was conditionally discharged for two years on Wednesday, after his
lawyer told the the court that such behaviour was customary in France
and that Mr Basseux had been mortified when he discovered his victim was
a director of the company that employed him.
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From: (Tony Laundrie)
Subject: Even adders can multiply with a coat


This is a true story.  A friend of my aunt was shopping in Green Bay recently.
While driving home from a department store, the woman started feeling sick and
hot and was turning purple and getting dizzy.  When she started having trouble
breathing, she went to the emergency room of the hospital.  Nobody knew what
exactly was happening, but they treated the woman for shock with antihistamines
and other stuff.

Eventually the doctors found some scratches in her neck, and from the symptoms
they concluded that the woman had suffered from a snake bite.  At first the
woman didn't believe them.  How could you get bitten by a poisonous snake and
not know it?!  But then she remembered...

While trying on a winter coat at the store, the woman felt an annoying prick
in her neck.  It went away with readjustment, so she thought nothing of it.
She decided not to buy to coat, and put it back on the rack.

From the hospital the woman called the store and told them the story.  Of
course they thought she was crazy, but they took the coat into a back room
and sliced it open anyhow.  Lo and behold!  There was a mother snake and three
babies trapped in the lining!!!!!  Yikes!!  They must have crawled in and
hibernated when the coat was assembled in Taiwan.

The woman was quietly awarded a generous financial settlement.

So folks, beware of coats made in Taiwan, and henceforth, before you try on
anything new, throw it on the floor and stomp on it.
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Subject: Father Christmas

Told to me by Ruth (my wife), who heard it from a friend
who says its true.

[cultural note: Father Christmas is the Australian 
equivalent of Santa Claus, St. Nicholas.  He (all of them)
sit in special areas of department stores prior to 
Christmas to hear children's Christmas requests]

A little boy is taken to visit a department store Father
Christmas by his parents.  The little boy sits on the old
man's knee and tells him what gift he'd like.

A while later, in another store there is another Father
Christmas.  The parents again encourage the boy to sit on
his knee.

	"What do you want for Christmas little boy?"

The boy shouts, "You old liar, I knew you'd forget!". 

He jumped off the man's knee and kicked him in the shin.
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Organization: The Cellar BBS and public access system
Subject: People say the darndest things.

I was in a local video store during a power failure.  Guy behind me says
"Damn.  I wish the tv would come on so we could get some news and find out how
long this blackout's gonna last!"
"Hey, what's so funny?" was the next thing he said, as he saw the rest of us
cracking up.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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