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The True News Digest part 4/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is one part of the True News Digest - a collection of
	true-life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but
	which are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will
	appear in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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Subject: How's that again? Department

[From _The New Yorker_, 2/25/91, p. 81]

[Headline in the Pittsfield (Mass.) Berkshire Eagle]

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From: (Douglas V. Simpkinson)
Subject: Politically correct recycling...

This is true.  Here in Berkeley, Politically Correctness center of the galaxy,
in the physics building are recycling bins.  One for paper, one for glass,
one for cans, and one with a sign over it reading "Colored Paper".

Someone with a red felt pen changed the sign to read:

Paper of Color
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From: (Silence Dogood)
Subject: flatulence prevention

My nomination for Worthless Product of The Year
(spotted in the "Univ. of Texas Lifetime Health Letter"):

If you love beans and other high-fiber foods but often pass them up
because of disconcerting sound effects, help is on the way.

A commercially produced enzyme called "Beano" (Lactaid Inc.) reduces
flatulence from gas-producing foods such as beans, lentils, peas,
broccoli, cabbage, onions and eggplant.  Made from the fungus
_Aspergillus niger_, Beano prevents flatulence by breaking down
gas-producing sugars.  You simply add about five drops of the liquid to
your first bite of an offending food - and the enzyme does the rest.
One warning: because Beano is derived from a fungus, it may cause
gastric upset in people who are allergic to molds or penicillin.
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Subject: Are you sure that's a skin sample??

I used to work in a dermatology lab where doctors would send us their samples
and we would make slides for them.  Most of the time, the sites of the samples
were hard to read, but one came in that was printed clearly:

"Site: penis, small"
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From: (Captain Hook)

Funny thing happened today in Poli-sci...

Prof tells us that there will be a test next Wednesday -
30 multiple guess questions on material in the chapter,
videos we've watched, and classwork.

He then asked if we would like for him to tell us where
exactly the information is located.  So I piped up -
"Sure, and why don't you give us the answers as well,"
- you know, just a smartass comment.  The prof then
promptly rattled off all 30 of the answers - much too
quickly to write down, let alone realize that that was
what he was doing.

Damn - looks like it's time to start taping lectures....
or get a memory upgrade.
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From: (A. Lani Teshima)
Subject: Hose humor

This guy noticed that the flight attendant had a run in her
pantyhose. "Hey lady, you got a runner," he says to her quietly
as she walked past him in the aisle.  As he points to the run on
her leg, she replied, "I'd rather consider it a Highway to
Heaven!"  Believe it or not, this really happened to a flight
attendant (it was the 40-year-old flight attendant from Delta
that had PMS, but probably not while the hose ran on her thigh).
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From: (Jonathan R. Partington)
Subject: True story about mice

 The mouse on my Apple Macintosh jammed a day or two ago, so I
took it to pieces to see what was wrong with it. It turned out to
have a small piece of cheese wedged inside it -- I'd been using
it on the dining-room table.

 So now I know why they're called mice... our cats don't seem to
be interested in them, however, and they don't seem to make
people stand on chairs, as in early 60s sit-coms.
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From: (Gary Koerzendorfer)
Subject: Contemplative humor

Heard recently on the NPR show "Car Talk", and could apply to many human

"We've talked about it a lot, but we haven't thought about it."
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From: (Madis Kaal)
Organization: FidoNet node 2:490/30 - Mailbox-CG, Tallinn
Subject: Weird error message

The personal computer ISKRA-1030 (made in USSR, supposed to be XT clone) 
can generate an error message:

"Write protect error reading device CON"
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From: kamal@palomino.UUCP (Kamal Karlapalem)

Yesterday, while I was buying tickets at the Movie hall, I heard
someone say at the other counter:

  "Two Ghosts Please!!".
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From: (Stan Reeves)
Organization: Auburn University, Department of Electrical Engineering
Subject: the ultimate in gender-neutral reporting

Our local paper recently reported the following crime in the "Police Report":

"The subject claimed that a wallet was stolen from his or her purse."
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From: (John Sahr)
Subject: heel thyself

[original and true, although the names have been changed]

My friend Richard was a white water rafting guide for several years in
Northern California.  His company used to exchange float trips for
medical services.  Everybody was happy: the guides were kept healthy,
the doctors got some raft trips, and the raft company cut its medical
expenses.  At some point Richard needed a routine checkup; he inquired
at the rafting company offices and was told that they would set up an
appointment with a certain Dr. Kurt Sandstrom in San Francisco.

Richard drove into The City, and at the appointed hour arrived at the
offices of one Dr. Kurt Sandstrom, gynecologist.  Richard, enlightened
young man that he was, knew something that many do not know;
gynecologists are real doctors, and are perfectly capable of doing
"regular things" and not just "whatever it is that gynecologists do,
but we musn't talk about."  Since the white water rafters tend to be a
fun-loving bunch, he also knew that he had been set up by the
company's secretary.  Nevertheless, after a moment's amused
reflection, he strolled into the office, and presented himself at the

"Hi, my name's Richard Draper, I've got an appointment with Dr.
Sandstrom at ten o'clock."  As it happened, the doctor's staff seemed
also to be unacquainted with the versatility of gynecologists.  They
were puzzled, and embarrassed, and they attempted to send Richard away,
without using the "G" word.

"There must be some mistake; we don't think you have an appointment
with the doctor," replied one of the staff.  

"Gosh, I drove all the way out here, could you just check the books?"
asked Richard.

Upon doing so, they discovered that there was, indeed, a ten o'clock
apointment for one R. Draper.  "Well, there seems to be an appointment
for you, but there must be a mistake.  Dr. Sandstrom can't be your

"Well, why not? He is a doctor, isn't he?"  Richard is very bright
fellow, but he looks very much like a surfin' dude and can play very
dumb when he wishes.

The office staff hemmed and hawed, trying to get Richard to leave, but
he wouldn't be rebuffed.  Finally one of the staff layed it out for
him, plain enough for even a surfer to understand: "you can't see the
doctor, because he's a gynecologist."

"That's okay, my ear hurts too," replied Richard.  

He saw Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock sharp.
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From: larry@birdsong.uucp (Lawrence T. Hardiman)
Organization: The Birdsong Company
Subject: who's the best

In his introduction of Albert Lee, the MC at a Stanford Lively Arts
program, "Masters of the Steel String Guitar", said that Mr. Lee had
once been hired by Eric Clapton to play lead guitar. He then said:
"Being hired by Eric Clapton to play lead guitar is like being hired
by Jack the Ripper to be a hit man."
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From: (Jefferson Provost)
Subject: A peacenik for the 90's

Not long ago, about the time when the ground offensive to liberate
Kuwait was about to begin, I saw the following two rather large bumper
stickers next to each other on the back of a car on the Pittsburgh

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From: vince@bcsaic.UUCP (Vince Skahan)
Organization: Boeing Aerospace and Electronics - Seattle
Subject: Re: interesting echoes from the mideast

on the first day of the ground war, CNN had on some unedited
footage of burning oil fields in the background, burned up Iraqi 
tanks in the distance, and thousands of Iraqi prisoners walking
by all under arrest...

a US (I assume) soldier is heard to say:
	"we bad...or we bad ???"
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From: (David Emme)
Organization: Intel Knowledge Applications Lab
Subject: Object-Oriented Programming

Quote without comment from a recent Apple publication entitled "Upgrade
your favorite tool.  Your mind." peddling Developer University courses
including "Introduction to Object-Oriented Programming":

  "I still get goose bumps every time I override a method... Wow! I just
   can't believe how much fun OOP is."
  - Harry Wiguna, HealthCare Communications
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From: (Kevin Denelsbeck)
Subject: They Grow Up So Fast...

Not sure if this is truly "topical", but heard this on CNN.  A reporter is
doing a human interest story on Sunday, April 7th, the eve of baseball
season.  A bunch of young kids are playing sandlot ball.  The reporter
stops one of the kids, who can't be older than 10, and starts asking him
all these typical questions about "Isn't baseball great?", etc.  Then he

	REPORTER: Is there anything better than baseball?

	YOUNG KID: Not that I know of.
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From: (Franz G. Amador)
Subject: A free gift

The other day I received a gift from Alzheimer's Disease Research in
the hope that I would contribute to their cause.

It was a packet of flower seeds.

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Recently heard on an ad for the 10 o'clock news:

  "Cyanide laced Sudafed has been recalled...We'll tell you why."
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From: (McBryde 461I; 552-3177)
Subject: TRUE, MATH-related experience:

I teach advanced trig and beginning calculus at VPI.  On a recent exam,
I asked students to find the limit of the fraction (sin x)/n, as n
approaches infinity.  One unfortunate student canceled the "n"'s, and
found that (sin x)/n = six.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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