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The True News Digest part 1/22 (Funny Guy)
(smirk to chuckle, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone)

[Note - What follows is part 1 of the True News Digest - a collection of true-
	life stories which didn't really warrant individual posting, but which
	are amusing nevertheless.  The digest is quite long, and it will appear
	in 22 parts over the next few months - ed.]

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From: (Amitabh Shah)
Organization: Transaction Processing Systems
Subject: Non-violence

This is paraphrased from today's (11/26) NPR Morning Edition News.

The US govt. is trying to pass a resolution through the Security
Council of the UN that Iraq withdraw from Kuwait by January 1st, else ...
The US govt. is confident that the resolution will pass, although there
is some fear that China may not support it. 

Beijing is against the use of force, the correspondent said.
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From: V134HHHY@ubvms.UUCP (You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.)
Subject: Sign!  Sign!  Everywhere a sign!

     On a recent trip to San Diego, I was AMAZED at the silly signs posted.

        At the San Diego Zoo, bordering a school playground:

                HOMO-SAPIENS AT PLAY

        At a resturaunt:

            VALET PARKING

        I never realized that San Diego was against valet parking so much. . .
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From: (Martyn K. White)
Subject: WHAT A GAL!

Seen recently on a bumper sticker:

		49% BITCH
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From: (Seth Breidbart)
Subject: true billboard

On a recent trip to London, near Heathrow Airport I saw a billboard that read:


Flights to the United States
and California
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From: (T. Tim Hsu)
Subject: Cops are people too...

Last year, some guy pulled a knife on a female counselor at my dorm.  Spike,
a friend of mine, just happened to be around, so he grabbed the first thing
he could find (a battery) and TKOed the guy with the knife.  Unfortuantly,
a cop saw the whole thing and arrested my friend.  Once they were in the car,
the following conversation took place ...

Spike: "Damn, going to jail again."
Cop:   "No you're not, I just had to make it look good."

\... and he proceed to drop Spike off about a mile away.
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From: (Aaron Rantapaa)

Seen on Entertainment Tonight 11/13 (Clip from Barbara Walter's upcoming

Mel Gibson is with Walters on the set of his new movie "Hamlet"

   MG: ...And this is the throne of the King and Queen of Denmark

   BW: (as she sits on one of the thrones) So, how do I look?

   MG: Like a Great Dane.

<I love it!>
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From: (Michael T. Heins)
Subject: grandmother

Our family used to kid my grandmother, a proper lady, about her eating
habbits, and not eating enough vegetables.  One day at a holiday dinner, she
had taken enough, and announced "Today I'm going to eat every bean, and pea
on my plate."  The table exploded with laughter.  To my knowledge, she never
understood what we found so funny.
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From: (Michael T. Heins)
Subject: thermodynamics

A friend of a friend in college was taking a thermodynamics course.  His
interest in hot bodies tended to run on more of an emotional plane than an
intellectual one, however.  Let's just say he wasn't the shining star of the
class.  Any way, the professor had posed some problem on the board with a
block of metal clamped with a heat source at the bottom (y=0) and a heat
sink at the top (y=1), and had just called upon our daydreaming friend as to
the direction of energy flow.  "Up." said our friend.  "That's correct."
said the somewhat surprised professor.  "Why?".  "Because heat rises."
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From: SLEWIS@drew.UUCP (Sarah Lewis)
Subject: grocery bag humor

While waiting in the check-out line at a local supermarket, I noticed the
following message on the front of a brown grocery bag:


And this fact will HELP increase business??
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Subject: True News Item

Seen in a 1990-91 Vermont cross-country skiing center flyer:

The Blueberry Hill X-C Touring Center:   A variety of terrain through
the Green Mountain National Forest; all abilities; home of the
American Ski Marathon and Pig Race.
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From: (Phil Karn)
Subject: another naive user

On the subject of "naive PC users", here's another classic story.
Dunno where it came from. It may even be apocryphal, but it's still a
good one.

Telephone support person: "Okay, now all you have to do is to take the
distribution diskette out of its little paper jacket and insert it
into the disk drive with the slot facing the rear. Got that?"

Naive user: "Okay".

S.P.: "Now close the door."

N.U.: "What?"

S.P.: "Close the door."

N.U.: "How will that help?"

S.P. (somewhat exasperated): "Just do it, please?"

N.U.: "Okay, but I don't understand why!"

Whereupon the support person hears the sound of the user's phone being
dropped on the desk, followed by footsteps and the sound of an office
door being slammed shut...
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Subject: PC Home Shopping

Heard this on a cable home shopping network:

'Don't be fooled folks...with this PC compatible machine you geta full
5.25" disk drive, not one of the smaller 3.5" drives you'll see elsewhere.'
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Organization: Drew University
Subject: stupidity

 I was reminded of something funny that happened to my friend about
the time that Burger King was having their special, "2 burgers for a

  My friend went over to the counter, looked at the menu and asked:
"How much is 2 burgers for a buck?"

Even funnier, the girl answered him, "one dollar."

Talk about idiotic.
I guess you just had to be there. :)
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From: (Rocky Craig)
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Workstation Group, Marketing Event Tech. Support
Subject: Buzzword neophytes

A true story, for the next "true news" volume.

I was doing booth duty at the COMDEX computer show.  There were only 15
minutes left on the last day, and after this year's 160,000 attendees
you've dealt with one or two goofballs.  Naturally, while watching those
last 15 minutes go by, I get ONE LAST "qualified customer":

Me: What can I help you with today, sir?

GB: What processor do you use in your HP 3000 computer?

Me: The HP 3000 uses a proprietary architecture.

GB (looking slightly hurt): Does that mean you're not going to tell me?
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From: (Rocky Craig)
Organization: Hewlett-Packard Workstation Group, Marketing Event Tech. Support
Subject: Job application blues

A true story, for the next "true news" volume.

My sister, a college student, works for one of those convenience stores.
During a typical shift, several people will come in and request employment
applications.  They usually fill them out there in the store.

One prospective employee was taking a long time filling out her form.  She
finally asked my sister, "Whut's a ree-FUR-ence?" *

My sister quickly replied, "Don't worry.  You won't be needing one."

* in case the written form didn't get the word across, it's "reference".
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Subject: What UNIX bullies do for fun.

Don't leave your terminal idle around here:

% cd ~fred
% ls -lasFg .plan
   1 ----r--r--  1 fred     cs101           9 Feb 15 16:20 .plan
% cat .plan
Kick me!
% exit

Explained for the UNIX novice;  fred cannot read the `Kick me!' sign on his
account (which everyone else can), because he doesn't have read access to
his .plan.
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From: rtravsky@uwyo.bitnet (Richard W Travsky)
Organization: University of Wyoming, Division of Information Technology
Subject: The Feds and Traveling

From a recent Jack Anderson column comes the tale of a travel agency that
handled travel plans for various federal agencies.  The head of the agency
complained about the agencies being not only wasteful but "downright stupid".
A couple of cases in point:

- One federal travel coordinator was trying to find the town of "Vicinity",
  having been told to book flights to "St. Louis and Vicinity".

- Another was looking for Maconga...  Turns out it was really "Macon,  GA".

Your tax dollars at work folks!
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From: (Liam Quin)
Organization: SoftQuad Inc.
Subject: ASCII is older than you think!

I was looking at my 1837 copy of Johnson's Dictionary, when I came across
the following entry:

	ASCII  n s. [from the greek]  Those people who,
	at certain times of the year, have no shadow at
	noon; such are the inhabitatants of the torrid
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Organization: Texas A & M University
Subject: instant disklike

From today's Dallas Morning News:

Andrew Lloyd Webber (author of the hit musical "Cats", etc.) is having trouble
being taken seriously as a composer by critics.  He complained to Alan Jay
Lerner, "Why do they take an instant dislike to me?"  Replied Lerner, "Because
it saves time."

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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