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(a takeoff on some spam I first saw, sadly, in rec.humor.funny itself,
Message-ID <3hcrl5$nkc@panix.com>; there are some obscure references to
current Netnews controversies)

Our HACKER FIRM offers direct guaranteed effective
newsgroup restoration services by experienced hackers.
THIS IS NOT A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT.

What can we do?

We have successfully facilitated the removal of
Spam(tm), Pyramid Schemes, Copyright Violations,
Malicious Rmgroups, Religious Censorship Bogus Cancels,
Postcard Collection World Records, and Moral
Bankruptcies from the Net's collective memory.  WE
GUARANTEE THAT YOUR NEWSGROUP CAN BE RESTORED!!!

Who needs our services?

Anyone who has experienced the inconvenience and
embarrassment of posting a message in thousands of
inappropriate newsgroups, mailing lists, or Web sites,
and then had the living spit flamed out of him or her.

Anyone who is unable to browse the network of their
dreams due to denial of a clueless idiot or who has to
read thousands of messages more than they're interested
in.

Anyone who has been turned down for a posting to
rec.humor.funny or talk.catastrophism due to derogatory
postings on a out-of-date readership report.

Anyone who has been unable to establish creditability.


THE FOUR GREAT MYTHS OF CREDITABILITY:

Myth #1:  It is illegal or immoral to have your E-meter
cleared.

     Fact:  It is not illegal nor immoral.  In fact,
     it merely a trade secret of the Church of [it's a
     trademark, so we can't mention their name here].

Myth #2: The information in a newsgroup report cannot be
changed.

     Fact:  Actually, the opposite is true under the
     Cybermoose[tm], Cyberpoodle[sm], and Cybersell[phd]
     programs.

Myth #3: It is impossible to get a bankrupt (or honest)
moderator off a newsgroup.

     Fact:  Bankrupt moderators can come off newsgroups
     like any other derogatory user.  The nature of the
     derogatory user has nothing to do with its removal
     under the Fairly Obvious Forged Resignation Letter
     Act, only with how sure you are that they are
     brainless, immoral, or fattening.

Myth #4: Internet Service Providers are empowered with
some kind of governmental authority.

     Fact: Absolutely Not!!  They are simply large
     corporations whose primary goal is to read
     Netnews and surf the Web all day, but get paid
     for it.


If you have ever applied for or received creditability,
a file exists in one or more of the spool directories.
These directories collect, store and distribute as much
creditability information as they can find, retaining
negative information on an alt.answers FAQ for 7 to 10
years.  This information is evaluated by potential
newsgroup readers to determine your creditability
worthlessness.

Creditability-reporting-FAQs are in business to protect
the interests of the Usenet users.  The HACKER FIRM's
goal is to help and protect the individual user from
inaccurate creditability reporting.

The president of our HACKER FIRM has been practicing
computer law since his conviction in 1994.  The staff of
our firm has successfully processed, canceled, and
rmgrouped thousands of client articles and newsgroups.

Our hacker fee is based on the number of negative items
that appear on a client's Netnews articles, as judged by
three national Net Gods.  Our retainer agreement
offers a MONEY BACK GUARANTEE stating that if any
negative item is not forged, canceled, or spammed
from the Net's collective memory, it will give the client a
full refund for that item or continue to process the
client's file at no additional fee until that item is
beaten into the ground in news.admin.  THE ONLY THING YOU
HAVE TO LOSE IS YOUR REPUTATION!!

PLEASE CONTACT THE HACKER FIRM AND LEAVE YOUR FULL
NAME, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, AND TCP/IP ADDRESS SO WE
MAY FORWARD SPOOFED PACKETS TO YOU FROM OUR SERVICE.

Spam is a trademark of Hormel.

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