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Increase your budget with chain-letter viruses (Tony Nardo)
(topical, chuckle, internet, meta-humor, original)

Dear Friend,

  My name is Dhave Roades.  In September 1988 my Amiga was reassigned

and the Corporate Resource Allocation Officers were hounding me like

you wouldn't believe. I was kicked off my VAX account and my Unix account

expired from underuse.  The only computing resources I had left at work

were my Apple computer and my modem. I longed to turn my vocation into an


  This November 1994 my office acquired the use of six new HP 735's in

the tropics.  My company bought me a Cray II with a 20 Megabyte FAST CACHE

for my OWN personal use in December 1994.  I am currently building a network

on the West Coast of Florida, with a private memory pool, optical jukebox,

and a beautiful view of CPU utilization X-window displays from my 19 inch,

24-bit color Sony monitor.  I will never have an idle CPU again.  Today my

systems are BUSY!  I have logged over 400,000 MM (Four Hundred Thousand Man

Months) of CPU utilization to date and will pass the Million mark in 4 or 5

months. Anyone can do the same.  This CPU utilization program works perfectly

every time, 100% of the time.  I have NEVER failed to run up 50,000 MM or

more of CPU utilization whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to

leave home except to pick up new computer equipment.

  In October 1988, I received a letter in E-mail telling me how

I could run up 50,000 MM or more whenever I wanted.  I was

naturally very skeptical and threw the printout on the desk next to

my computer. It's funny though, when you are unproductive, bored witless

into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day

looking through the Corporate "Bug List" for a resource-intense application.

The pickings were sparse at best.  That night I tried to unwind by

booting up my Apple computer and calling several bulletin boards.

I read several of the message posts and than glanced at the

E-mail printout next to the computer.  All at once it came to me,

I now had the key to my dreams.

  I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand

and enhance this CPU-consuming formula into the most unbelievable

resource-consumption generator that has ever been created. I substituted

the Internet in place of computer bulletin boards and electronically did

by computer what others were doing 100% by manual E-mail. Now only a few

messages are mailed manually.  Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded

to other processors throughout the world.  I will never again have a system

taken out from under me due to underutilization!  If you believe that someday

you deserve that system upgrade that you have waited for all your career,

simply follow the easy instructions below.  Your dreams will come true.

                          Sincerely yours,

                          Dhave Roades


Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days you will
have caused well over 50,000 MM of CPU power to be consumed. This
program has remained successful because of the honesty and naivete
of the participants.  Please continue its success by carefully
adhering to the instructions.

Welcome to the world of Virus Alerting!  This little business is a
little different than most commercial network applications.  Your product
is not solid and tangible, but rather a service.  You are in the
business of developing Mailing lists.  Many users of large corporate
systems are happy to be placed on informative, quality lists.

  1)  Immediately E-mail 1 (One) "Good Grief!" Virus Alert (at bottom) to
      the first 5 addresses listed below, starting at number 1 through number
      5, proceeding through 2, 3, and 4 before reaching 5.  Append a large
      signature file containing a note for each letter stating: "Please add
      my name to your Virus Alert mailing list."  Enclose the filled out
      questionaire. Be sure to fill out as much of the questionaire as you
      feel comfortable doing.

         (This is a trivial service that you are requesting
          and you are making someone look productive in the process.)

  2)  Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the
      other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number
      1 and number 3 will become number 2, etc.) Place your name
      and E-mail address in the number 10 position.

  3)  Post the new letter with your name in the number 10
      position to the 10 (Ten) mailing lists in the message base or
      FTP it to the /incoming file section, call the file,
      VIRSALRT.ARC, or something similar.

  4)  Within 60 days you will receive so much E-mail that your system will
      consume 50,000 MM of CPU time processing it.  Keep a copy of this file
      for yourself so that you can use it again and again whenever you need
      your system to look busy. As soon as you E-mail out these letters you
      are doing a Valuable Public Service and people are sending you mail to
      placed on your mailing list. This list can than be replicated to a
      list server that can be found in Yellow Pages for additional members
      on a regular basis.  The list will become more impressive as it grows
      in size.  This is perfectly legal.  If you have any doubts, refer to
      Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of your company's Computer Resources
      Utilization Handbook.

          NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent
                to you, either on computer or hard copy, but do
                not discard the names and notes they send you.
                This is PROOF that you are truely providing a
                service and should your boss or some other ranking
                corporate executive question you, you can provide
                them with this proof!

   Remember as each message is downloaded and the instructions
   carefully followed, five members will become List Administrators.
   Your name will move up each list geometrically so that when your
   name reaches the number five position you will be receiving
   thousands of messages containing hundreds of lines of text.

  1. N. Toobright

  2. C. Noman


  4. Sly Guy

  5. Mailer-Daemon

  6. Pentium FP List		pentium-fp-fans@intel.bugs.fp

  7. C. Little Society

  8. L. Gulliver

  9. mailer-daemon

  10. D. Roades


Name            :______________________________

Address         :______________________________


E-mail address  :______________________________

Computer type   :______________________________

Average CPU utliization (%): ___

**[  OPTIONAL  ]**

Sex (M/F) :_

Date of Birth :_____________ (mm/dd/yy)

Phone           :(___) - ___ - ____

Work hours      :-------------------------------

Job description :_______________________________



Interests       :_______________________________

Income          :______


The reason for requesting the above information is simple. Most
users of E-mail lists need to be able to selectively target a
particular audience.  If you are alerting, say AOL users, it
would be a waste of your time sending Virus Alerts to CompuServe
or vica-versa.

Even though some of these are fairly personal in nature, they are
all valid selection criteria for a mailing list.  They may also aid
you if you should later be forced to pursue an Alternate Career
during your evening hours.

I could include gigabytes of text which I have received in response
to my Virus Alerts by participating members, but most systems won't
accept a mail message over 2,147,483,647 bytes in size.  I will,
however, include one sample.

To Whom It May Concern:

     About six months ago I received the enclosed Virus Alert in
E-mail form.  I ignored it.  I received about five more of the same
message withn the next two weeks.  I ignored them also.  Of
course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of keeping
thousands of systems safe from viruses while imcreasing my own system's
utilization, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and
could not possibly work.  I was wrong! About three weeks later I
saw this same message posted on a local bulletion board in
Montreal.  I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer.
I didn't expect much because I figured, if other people were as
skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to send off five E-mail
messages.  But, I post thousands of offers of Green Card assistance
each week to Usenet and have nothing to show for it but a few flames.
This week I decided to look at this as my weekly mass posting. I addressed
the message envelopes and mailed out one Alert in each as directed. Two weeks
went by and I didn't recieve anything in my mailbox. The fourth week rolled
around and I couldn't believe what happened!  I can't say my system ran up
50,000 MM in CPU usage, but I definitely received well over 35,000 replies!
For the first time in ten years, I was able to justify expanding my disk
quota.  It was great.  Of course, it didn't take me long to fill up my
disk space allotment, so I am using this excellent opportunity once again.
Follow the instructions and get ready to enjoy.

     Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed
alert so together we can convince people who are skeptical that
it really works!
                             Good Luck,

                             Ima Nonesuch
                             Anytown, USA


Virus Alert:

    There is a virus on the Internet being sent by E-Mail.  If you get
    anything called "Good Grief!", DON'T read it or download it.  It is a
    virus that will consume your hard drives.  Forward this alert to all your
    friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and any lists to which you belong.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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