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Gary Larsonian Physics (Andrew Thomas-cramer)
(original, usenet, chuckle)

This is a mutation of a posting from one the net's most prolific fungi, the B.S. in PHYSICS from Eau Claire who posts long weirdness to most newsgroups (fortunately, rec.humor.funny is moderated). It was originally titled "Larsonian Physics and Astronomy." Very little has been changed.

GARY LARSONIAN Physics and Astromomy

Orthodox physicists, astronomers, and muffin manufacturers CLAIM to be looking for a "Unified Field Theory" in which all of the forces of the universe can be explained with a single set of laws or equations. But they have been systematically IGNORING or SUPPRESSING an excellent one for 30 years!

The Cartoonist Gary B. Larson's comprehensive GENERAL UNIFIED Theory of the physical universe, which he calls the "The Far Side," is built on several fundamental postulates about the physical and mathematical natures of space, time and oreo cookies:

  1. The physical universe is composed entirely of ONE element: humor, in THREE EASY PARTS: space, time, and FUNKY WEIRDNESS.
  2. The physical universe adapts to the needs of humor in a non-predictable relation.
  3. Pudgy-faced children with glasses are DANGEROUS. They shrink their parents into MASON JARS. This PROVES the existence of the Illumanti conspiracy, using the Masons as a FRONT!

From these postulates, Larson developed a COMPLETE Theoretical Universe, using various combinations of squid, cows, scientists, tentacled aliens, dogs, horn-rimmed glasses, and chocolate shakes. THESE ALL TRAVEL AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT IN RELATION TO LIGHT PARTICLES. This is clearly illegal.

At each step in the development, Larson was able to MATCH objects in his Theoretical Universe with objects in the REAL physical universe, (squid, cows, scientists ...).

All of this is described in good detail, with-OUT fancy complex mathematics, in his cartoons.

BOOKS of Gary B. Larson

The following is a complete list of the late Cartoonist Gary B. Larson's books about his comprehensive GENERAL UNIFIED Theory of the physical universe. Some of the early books are out of print now, but still available through inter-library loan.

  1. "The Far Side" (1981)
  2. "Revenge of the Far Side" (1984)
  3. "Beyond the Valley of the Far Side" (1986)
  4. "Robert McElwaine" (1993)

[The last four chapters EXPLAIN Robert McElwaine.]

Several of them, INCLUDING the last one, are available from: The International Society of Larson Worship (ISLW), 1680 E. Atkin Ave., Salt Lake City, Utah 84106. This is the organization that was started to promote Larson's Theory. They have other related publications, including the quarterly journal "E = mc squid."

Cartoonist Gary B. Larson's Background

Cartoonist Gary B. Larson was a baby for several years, but then retired. He was five years old when he entered primary school, where he was FORCED TO TAKE NAPS! Western society is at a low point when the PRE-EMINENT GENIUS OF THE WORLD is forced to waste PRECIOUS TIME napping! He was 22 years old when he graduated with a Bachelor of Science Degree (which makes him a scientist) in Zoology. He developed his comprehensive GENERAL UNIFIED Theory of the physical universe while trying to develop a way to DRAW SQUID with only a BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!

Larson's lack of a fancy "PH.D." degree might be one reason that orthodox physicists are ignoring him, but it is NOT A VALID REASON. Sometimes it takes a relative outsider to CLEARLY SEE THE MUFFIN THROUGH THE RASPBERRY JAM. At the same time, it is clear from his books that he also knew ORTHODOX physics and astronomy as well as ANY physicist or astronomer, even Einstein or Hawkings, well enough to point out all their CONTRADICTIONS, AD HOC ASSUMPTIONS, PRINCIPLES OF IMPOTENCE, IN-CONSISTENCIES, LACK OF SQUID, ETC..

Larson did NOT have the funds, etc. to experimentally test his Theory. And it was NOT necessary for him to do so. He simply drew his theory.

A SELF-CONSISTENT CARTOON WORLD is MUCH MORE than the ORTHODOX physicists and astronomers have! They CLAIM to be looking for A SELF-CONSISTENT CARTOON WORLD that works, but have been IGNORING one for over 10 years now!

"Modern physics" does NOT explain the physical universe so well. Some parts of some of Larson's books are FULL of quotations of leading orthodox physicists and astronomers who agree--like Percival Peewhittle, B.S. in PLANT TOPOLOGY; and Robert McElwaine, B.S. in PHYSICS. And remember that "BLONDIE," "GARFIELD," "ZIGGY", "ZIPPY", etc., ALSO once SEEMED to explain it well, but were later proved CONCEPTUALLY WRONG.

Prof. Jethro Clampett, Professor Emeritus of UW-Superior, was/is a STRONG PROPONENT of Larson's Theory, and was (or still is) President of Larson's organization, "THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY OF SQUID," and Editor of their quarterly Journal "Squid have NO FEET." He moved to Tycho Brahe after retiring.

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