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Since I came over from Europe some 16 months ago I have been entertained by some interesting phenomena here in California. To account for these phenomena I have developed a theory which I would like to expound here...

It is widely held that time passes at the same rate everywhere, except as predicted by relativity theory. Anyone who has sat in a dentist's waiting room will realise that this is false. Dentist's waiting rooms are specially equipped with a device which slows down time in order to enable the patient to savour the anticipation fully.

It is my belief that the device used in the aforementioned waiting rooms was developed as an artificial version of the natural effects seen in California. Yes, in California time passes at different rates depending on the location. The granularity of this effect varies. A particular 'temporal bubble' may range in size from a few square inches to several tens of square miles. Within each bubble time passes at a different rate from the surrounding area. The bubbles do not remain stable and predictable, however--they come and go. Some seem to last longer than others.

I have many examples to support this theory, and I present a few of them now:

1) In my garden I saw a Narcissus come into flower in November. I contend 
   that it was not 8 months late, nor 4 months early. For the bulb it *was* 
   springtime. 

2) Continents most certainly do drift. But the earthquakes that are so common 
   in California are due to variations in relative drift rate caused by 
   temporal discontinuities. The 'fault zones' actually mark the boundaries 
   of the bubbles. 

3) Very often at traffic lights the person at the front of the queue remains 
   motionless, despite that fact that the lights went green ages ago. This is 
   not because California drivers are a bunch of comatose cretins (as is 
   commonly believed), but because the driver in question is caught in a 
   small area, short duration CTD . For him, the light has not changed. 

4) How else can one explain why computer manufacturers (so many of them based 
   in California) publish speed ratings for their products which never seem to 
   be achieved in the field? The manufacturer is not lying, the measurements 
   were made in a CTD. 

5) There is some evidence that some CTD's may be so intense that time goes 
   backwards in an affected area. This can result in events happening  
   multiple times. For example, the same conversation with Sears three times: 

   "Would you like an extended warranty on your vacuum cleaner?" 
   "No thanks, and don't call me about it again." 
   "OK." 

   This explains (in California at least) that terrible feeling of 'deja vu'... 

5) There is some evidence that some CTD's may be so intense that time travels 
   backwards in an affected area. This can result in events happening 
   multiple times. For example, the same conversation with Sears three times: 

   "Would you like an extended warranty on your vacuum cleaner?" 
   "No thanks, and don't call me about it again." 
   "OK." 

   This explains (in California at least) that terrible feeling of 'deja vu'... 

It is important to realise that, while many Californian peculiarities can be ascribed directly to this phenomenon, the phenomenon itself has an unsettling effect on the human psyche. Thus those who have been exposed to the effects for a protracted period of time may appear to the rest of us to be 'a little strange'. This is to be expected, and the victims deserve our sympathy. I, for one, do not plan to place myself at risk, so I will be returning to the UK in August--unless I am offered a massive grant to research this fascinating subject in greater depth.

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