Department of Defence
12th December 1990
On behalf of the Minister of Defence you are hereby notified under the Emergency Powers Act 1939(as amended by the Defence Forces Act 1978) that as an able-bodied Irish citizen under the age of 50, you are required to place yourself on standby for possible military service in the Gulf conflict. You may shortly be given orders to report within 48 hours for service with task force troops from other nations already stationed in Saudi Arabia. You have been assigned to the Third Battalion, East Wall Reserves.
Due to decisions by the Government to adhere to the agreed cutbacks on expenditure, it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment : Combat Jacket, Trousers(preferably khaki), Tin-Helmet(motor cycle helmet painted green would suffice), boots(or sturdy Reeboks), Gas-Mask, a map of the combat zone(the Ordinance Survey 1:250000 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq is acceptable), Rifle, Ammunition, ample sun-tan lotion(factor 12), a minimum of 98 rolls of high quality Irish made toilet paper, 12 dozen cases of 12 bottles of Irish spring water(no perrier) and a one way ticket to Rijyadh, Saudi Arabia.
If you can afford it, we would also like you to buy a tank--Vickers Defence at Barnyard U.K. are offering all conscripts, on production of this letter, at a 0% finance deal on all new Chieftan tanks which will not be registered until January 1st 1991 to avail of the 91D registration numbers.
We would like to reassure you that if anything should go wrong, Masseys Undertakers have agreed to bury you at a reduced rate at a graveyard of your choice, ad that your widow will be entitled to the standard Irish war pension of three pounds and nine shillings(.45p) per month(subject to means testing).
There may be little time for formal training prior to your departure, so you are advised to hire videos of the following war films to try and pick up a few tips : Lawrence of Arabia, A Bridge Too Far, The Longest Day, The Guns of Navarone and M.A.S.H. A special rate of .75p per night has been agreed with Mr. Richard Murphy of Xtra-Vision for any of the above videos.
I must inform you that the only people you may discuss the contents of this letter with are your immediate family and your employers. You are now a member of the Reserve Defence Forces and are therefore covered under the Official Secrets Act and you may not make any declarations to any members of the press.
You will be hearing from us shortly with regard to your date of departure.
Lt. Col. Padraig O'Lionsigh
G.O.C. Gulf Unilateral Reserve Fighting Force