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More from the one liner file (7/11)
(various, swearing, sexual)

Here are more snippets from the one liner file.  While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file.  Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group.  (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles. 
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)

These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.

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What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag.

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Subject: Documentation Musings

While discussing product proposals lately, we began to wonder about 

Is the word spec short for specification, or for speculation?

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From: (Christopher Pettus)
Subject: An Elegant Insult

Passed on to me by a friend ...

They had a guy on NPR this morning, hawking his new book about
the art of the insult.  His favorite insult of all time took
place between two members of the French legislature (I think;
I didn't pay much attention to the historical details):

  Politician 1:  You, my friend, will surely end up on
    the gallows or poxed.
  Politician 2:  That depends, of course, on whether I
    embrace your philosophy, or your mistress.

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From: (Steven R. Brown)

the elderly = the chronologically gifted

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Organization: Wayne State University
Subject: Thanksgiving Phobias

From our staff artist/Hypercard wizard, Eric Iverson:

"...This time of year it's quite common for people to
 suffer from Cornuphobia...that is, Fear of Plenty..."

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Organization: Johns Hopkins University
From: (Robert A. Levene)
Subject: Not Necessarily the news.* 

Edited slightly and reprinted with permission
from the .signature of (Carl Rigney) ...

  "Imminent Death of the Net Predicted.  GIFs at 11."

Rob (

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From: jsb@panix.UUCP (J. S. B'ach)
Subject: New Answers to Old Questions

Q. When is a door not a door?

A. When it's Val Kilmer.

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From: (Loki)
Subject: bagpipes

{Heard this from one Fred Tart, President of Sandia Budokan}

Gentleman: (n) A man who knows how to play bagpipes... and refrains.

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From: (12-Apr-1991 1319)
Subject: looking for love in all the wrong places

Q.  What do horny French tourists do in Pakistan?
A.  Go to Lahore

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Subject: Secretarys' Week
From: (Topher Eliot)

In honor of National Secretarys' Week, enlightened employers should know
the correct way to spell "praise".

Without the "p".

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From: (jim)
Subject: Overheard

Overheard in a bar:

"I just don't understand.  Though I begin to suspect it's something about my
attitude towards women that keeps me from getting laid...."

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From: (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Quoted from a microbiology grad student

    Graduate School:  It's not just a job, its an indenture.

(My girlfriend was the first one I ever heard say this, but someone
 else says they heard it before so we can't claim originality)

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From: (John Vander Borght)
Subject: Latest Music Scandal

This occurred to me this morning while I was watching M-TV here in Munich
(its the only English language channel in my hotel).

We've all heard of the Milli Vanilli and Paula Abdul controversies, now
there is a rumor that Bart Simpson is lip-synching on "Do the Bartman".

It seems like someone must have said this before so sorry if it's old, but I
did think of it myself.

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From: MONET01@umcvmb.UUCP (Gerry Howser)
Subject: pinball, theory, Howser's Law

This is semi-origional, one of those "over many pitchers of beer" findings.

Howser's Law of Negative Balance (also known as the Pinball Theory of Balance)

"Any situation can be driven to a point of 'negative balance' which is that
point at which whatever you do, including doing nothing, will make matters
worse".  A prime example of this is pinball.  In pinball, when you are really
racking up the points, anything you do will make it more likely that you will
lose the ball or tilt.

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From: (Michael Edelman)
Subject: unix humor

Another from staff ace Eric Iverson ( relayed
by request:

  Unix weenies? That's a contradiction in terms...

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From: (Bryan Cardoza)
Subject: What kind of humor?

True story:

	After regaling my wife with the latest contributions to this
	group, she asked, "Just where do you read 'rectal humor dot

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From: (Stewart Shapiro)
Subject: just a little off season

Heard this from a friend:

Q:  What did the blind person say when given some matzah?

A:  Who the hell wrote this?

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From: (John Schonholtz)
Subject: And thank you for flying....

 [A flight announcement heard by a friend, on an airline that shall remain
 "Ladies and gentleman, we have just found out that we have a very special
 passenger with us.  Today he is celebrating his 100th birthday.
 So let's all give a big hand to the pilot!"

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From: (Michael J Lutz)
Subject: Joke about aging -- mildly funny or depressing -- you pick

   This will appeal to those who were around before timesharing
   was common.  It will have less immediate impact on those who think
   timesharing has to do with reserved weeks at condos.

A cardiologist friend told me after his last birthday:

``There's one nice thing about turning 45: you no longer have
to worry about a premature heart attack."

Mike Lutz
Rochester Institute of Technology

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From: (Roger Taranto)
Subject: Some Oracle Jokes

These jokes appear in Computing 25/4/91:

Why should you never pick up the receiver while passing a public telephone?
Because it's an Oracle salesman making a cold canvas.

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From: (JoJo)
Subject: MUPPET JOKES                           

   Kermit has decided not to dabble in the commodities markets
    any longer....

   He lost his wad in pork bellies

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From: (Robert M. Enger)
Subject: Virgins

What do you call a virgin in New Jersey?		A tourist.

What do you call a virgin in West Virginia?		An orphan!

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From: (Thomas J Weisswange)
Subject: Another Lightbulb Joke

Saw this one in the Nassau Weekly (Princeton):

How many University of Chicago Economics professors does it take to change a
light bulb?

None.  If the bulb needed fixing the market would have done it.

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From: (Sean Cleary)
Subject: Bo Jackson's misfortunes

From Vin Scully, Dodgers's radio announcer:

Did you here what they'll call Bo if his knee injury loses him
his Nike contract?

"Shoeless" Bo Jackson.

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Subject: original haiku

     Meditation on hard-drive maintenence:

           Immovable blocks
              Multiply like cancer cells.
                 I need a new disk.

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From: (mr. yawei)
Subject: Commercialism

(I believe this is original)

A: (melodically) ... I like the Sprite in you!

B: Thanks ... but it's all in the bladder.

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From: (Neil Youngman)
Subject: recession (one liner)

Heard on "Any Questions" a radio four discussion programme:

Due to the current economic situation the management have decided that the 
light at the end of the tunnel will be switched off until further notice

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From: (Semyon Dukach)
Subject: Zen, original

Q: Does a cow have Buddha-nature ?

A: Mu

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Subject: Computer nerds

"Computer nerds are people who know 256 different ways to have sex but don't
know any women to try them on."    -John Payson  Class of '93 @ Beloit College

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From: (Bruce Leban)
Subject: Secrets from the gulf war...

It's not very well known yet that the gulf war was actually the first field
test of two US missiles: the Patriot and the Edsel.  The Patriot was built
by the private sector under government contract.  The Edsel was built by
civil service employees.  In its first field test, the Patriot performed
flawlessly.  The Edsel did not do so well.  It had the same problem we
always have with civil service employees: it didn't work and it couldn't be

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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