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More from the one liner file (6/11)
(various, swearing, sexual)

Here are more snippets from the one liner file.  While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file.  Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group.  (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles. 
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)

These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Eric C. Bennett)
Subject: Jepordy Topic

I'll take LA Police Brutality on Videotape for $20 million, Alex.

(original joke)

If you can read this you aren't looking through the hubble space telescope!

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Joe)

Like my mom always said, "When your dad dies, then we'll be in heaven."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Joe)
Subject: duh!

You dropped your pocket!

-Joe Bullard

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Food Additive - source

This is original:  Too disgusting for anyone else to imagine...

A new food additive, derived from the sweat on Michael Jackson's hands
after a concert.  It will be used mostly in confections requiring
a smooth texture.  Other uses may be derived.  This additive will
appear on package labels as:

   Partially Androgenated Palm Oil

Steve Field   8-)

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Martin Soques)
Subject: New motto for Texas car plates?

[from the local paper]

There is a move in the Texas legislature to put the words "The Lone
Star State" in our plain looking car plates.  One representative
unsuccessfully tried to ammend it to "The Savings and Lone Star State."


	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Dr. Lindahl)
Subject: corporate philosophies

	I was in a quality control meeting the other day got on the subject
	of corporate cultures.  We agreed that ours should be:

	"We don't have time to think, we've got decisions to make."

	Hope you find it amusing.  I told this to my counterparts in
	Computing Services.  We came up with some variants.

		"I don't have time to think, I've got programs to write."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: political parties

Q: What's the difference between the Democrats and the Republicans?

A: The Republicans know that they are lying.

this might be original, but i doubt it.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: University of Southern California, Los Angeles, CA
Subject: Three Liner

While car is moving, wife asks her husband...

Wife: Darling, can you drive with one hand
Husband: Oh sure I can :-)
Wife: Ok then, clean your nose with other hand...

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: Lenoir-Rhyne College, Hickory, NC
Subject: Sexual computing

From the sick minds in the computer lab late at night...

What happens when the hardware meets the software on the motherboard?

You spawn....

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Dan Vanderwerken)
Subject: The Bride's Thoughts

I don't know how original this one is...I believe my Greek professor, 
Dr. MacAdoo from Va Tech, told it to me about 10 years ago.  I just found
written in my old text book yesterday.  I thought it was worth submitting.

Question:  What were the bride's thoughts while waiting for the marriage
ceremony to begin?

Answer:  Aisle.   Alter.   Hymn.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=

        how do you know if someone likes moosehead???????????

         look for antler marks on their thighs!!!!!!

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Jim Zeek)
Subject: Homeless

(from an editorial cartoon of unkown origin)

Spraypainted on a wall in an urban getto

"If you lived here, you'ld be home now"

Jim Zeek
Network Equipment Tech.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: JJM7609CSCI@apsu.bitnet

Person 1:  How ya gonna do it?

Person 2:  I'm Gonna PS/2 it!!!

Person 1:  But that's only half a computer!

Person 2:  That's ok!  OS/2 is only half an operating system!

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: n3000@moscom.UUCP (MaxNet CAS Development)

Regarding FDA advisory panel rejection of Warner-Lambert's anti-Alzheimer's
drug Cognex:

Government approval, with Ronald Reagan still alive and potentially able to
testify about Iran-Contragate?  Don't think so! :-X 

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure

Original Source: Unknown

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: University of Delaware
From: (Scott Galuska)
Subject: from the legendary Deer Park in Newark, DE

I found this on a condom machine at a local tavern...

"For a full refund, please deposit baby here!"

Scott Galuska
Dept. of Computer & Info. Science                   
Univ of Delaware                                                         

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject:      Could this be the sequel to Arachnophobia?
From: (Roy M. Jacobsen)

        A phobia is by definition an irrational fear.
Claustrophobia is an irrational fear of enclosed spaces.
Ailurophobia is an irrational fear of cats.  (And, as a friend of
mine has observed, tooraloorailurophobia is an irrational fear of
Irish cats.)
        Marty Helgesen <MNHCC@CUNYVM.BITNET>

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: herbw@wiskit.UUCP (
Subject: Speaking of Naughty Politicians

From Jonathan Nicholas' column in The Oregonian, Friday, March 29, 1991

This just in from a Nicholas Notifier up north.  Everyone's favorite
farmer and political commentator off the interstate near Chehalis has
just come up with the prize line of his career.

"Limit congressmen to two terms.  One in office.  One in jail."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Keith Andrew Cochran)
Subject: Cute, Country&Western, singing.

Heard on The Comedy Channel recently...

"I could be a country-western singer.  I just got done writing my latest song:

If I had met you earlier, I would have gotten rid of you long before now.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Emmett)
Subject: Think tanks . . .

I was just sort of wondering:

If it's the thought that counts, why aren't
there more pregnant women around?

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Mike Jetzer)
Subject: Divorce statistics

Heard on the radio during the morning rush:

They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.  That's not as
bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Michael J. Irvin, WSU, 509/335-0437)
Subject: The Perfect Housekeeper

Source: A college professor in Seattle (in response to recent Nutworks
        joke re Robin Williams' "Divorce is Latin for..."

I recently told a friend of mine who was just divorced for the third time:

"Bob, the next time you feel like getting married, why don't you just find a
woman you don't like and buy her a house?"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: The Dark Side of the Moon +1 408 245 SPAM
From: (Max Pandaemonium)
Subject: Physics

Physicists define stress as force per unit area.  The rest of humanity 
defines stress as physics.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Jeff C. Glover)
Subject: UNIX Curses Explained (original)

If you've checked your local technical bookshops lately, there is
a new paperback out, "UNIX Curses Explained."

Funny, I read through it and it wasn't at all what I expected.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Andrew Tannenbaum)
Subject: fish abuse

(Yes, this is true.)

I went in to a restaurant and a waitress told me that today's special
was Blackened Bluefish.  I asked her if it was battered.

	Andrew Tannenbaum   Interactive   Cambridge, MA   +1 617 661 7474

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: apratt@atari.UUCP (Allan Pratt)
Subject: Cary Grant

My dad told me this one a long time ago; I don't know where he got it.

Cary Grant was known to resist revealing his age.  When somebody sent
him a telegram asking, "HOW OLD CARY GRANT?" he replied, "OLD CARY

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: john@chance.UUCP (John R MacMillan)
Subject: Was it good for you?

Heard from a friend:

Q: What one word describes the absolute worst blowjob you have
   ever had?

A: Fantastic!

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Mike Taylor)
Subject: Words of Wisdom (original)

Taylor's Laws of Programming

	(*)  Never write it in C if you can do it in `awk'.
	(*)  Never do it in `awk' if `sed' can handle it.
	(*)  Never use `sed' when `tr' can do the job.
	(*)  Never invoke `tr' when `cat' is sufficient.
	(*)  Avoid using `cat' whenever possible.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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