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More from the one liner file (5/11)
(various, swearing, sexual)

Here are more snippets from the one liner file.  While preparing RHF,
I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting
in the one liner file.  Every so often I put digests of these out to
the group.  (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly
present all these items in the digest as individual articles. 
Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.)

These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Jae Hoon Lee)
Subject: Jae's law of keys.

 Jae's law of keys:

 The more keys you have, the more likely to be you are locked out.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: Prime Computer Inc, PSI Special Systems, Framingham, MA
From: (Christopher Allen)
Subject: Software Engineer joke

Q: How did the Software Engineer die in the shower?
A: He was following the shampoo instructions, which said:
   "Lather. Rinse. Repeat.", and he couldn't get out of the loop.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: New addition to errno.h
From: (Mitchell Patterson)

A new addition to /usr/include/errno.h in the ULTRIX 4.1EP release:

          78  ELVIS   Elvis has been sighted
               A user with the login ``elvis'' has logged in.  ULTRIX
               notifies all users of the sighting and sends a message
               to the Elvis Registry Service at

ULTRIX is a trademark of Digital Electronics Corporation.

This one's mine.  Tom Christiansen (he of Perl fame) had a good one, too;
he said EMACS should be in errno.h: Editor too big.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (David Palmer)
Subject: Forged prescriptions

(Original with David Palmer)

I stole a pad from a doctor's office and forged a really strong prescription
for myself.

He was an ophthamologist.

You wouldn't believe the colors!

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Paul Yok! Chen)
Subject: funny, real fortune

i, a male,  actually received this fortune once in a fortune cookie:

"you have an unusual equipment for success.  be sure to use it properly"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: comma changes, everything

[found in the fortune database on a remote site]

Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma,
this telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:


	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Leong Heng Cheong)
Subject: New TMNT Pie Commercial

The slogan for the New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pie, as
heard on TV, is :

       Fresh from the Sewer to You!

Aren't we taking this 'recycle'-thing a little too much?

Heng-Cheong 15/2/91

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=

 Why was the wife happy on Halloween night?
 Because her husband was a goblin.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Food for thought

Seen on a bathroom wall in a San Francisco

   Remember: if guns are outlawed, only cops will
have guns.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Grammy Whammy
From: floyd@starsend.UUCP (Floyd Miller)

   This year's grammy awards should have been postponed for four month's.

   Then it could have been billed as the 33-1/3 Annual Grammy Awards.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject:      Words of Wisdom
From: V2153A@templevm.UUCP (Eleanor M. Cicinsky)

"A friend in need is a pest".  Joe E. Louis

 "I feel sorry for those who don't drink; that's the best you'll feel all day".
      Dean Martin, Vegas Routine, circa 1961.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: RI economic woes

This is a few lines paraphrased from an article in the Boston Globe
(Sun, 17 March) about Rhode Island's current banking and financial problems.

    "Things have gotten pretty bad with Rhode Island's economic problems."


    "Yes, the mafia has had to lay off five judges."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: The NHL has a sense of humour...

Vancouver Canucks playoff tickets go on sale April 1st.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Bar graffiti (again)

X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL8]

Found on the men's room wall in one of our local bars, known as a
hangout for people with leftish political leanings:

   Please leave this state in the toilet in which you would like to
   find it.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Kuntal sanghvi)
Subject: ant/elephant

how did the ant knock the elephant unconscious ?
she whispered in his ear , " Darling , I am pregnant !"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: U of Wisconsin CS Dept
From: (Tony Laundrie)
Subject: Men and Women again

In article <> you write:
>True story. When a friend's wife turned 40, he told her, "Honey, I'm trading
>you in for two 20-year-old girls." Instant reply, "Better not, John, you're
>not wired for 220."
               ^^^  perhaps it's 117.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (John Cotter)
Subject: on and on anon

Did you hear about the self-help group for people who talk too much?

It's called "On and On Anon"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: Drexel University, Dept. of Math. and Comp. Sci.
From: (Daniel J. Parmet)
Subject: San Francisco

Thirty percent of the people in San Francisco are gay.  Really.  This means
that if you're walking down the street, and the person on your left isn't gay,
and the person on your right isn't gay, YOU ARE!

				taken from "Robert Wuhl's World Tour"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Debbie Forest)
Subject: possibly offensive to males

heard from my sister who heard it from a friend who....

What's the difference between government bonds and men?

Government bonds mature.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Kevin Denelsbeck)
Subject: new malady

Did you hear about the logician who got a kidney stone from too much dirty
dancing?  It was diagnosed as a lambada calculus.

Kev @ UNC

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Lawyer one-liner
From: (Lee Crocker)

Heard from Ed Baxter on KGO Radio (San Francisco).  Sounds old but I
had never heard it before:

Q: What's the difference between a Lawyer and a Plumber?
A: A Plumber works to unclog the system.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Martin Ward)
Subject: Picketing.

Original idea from Reader's Digest many years ago. This version by me!

Yesterday, pickets picketing a picket factory were picketed by pickets who
claimed that the picket factory picketing pickets' picket signs were made
in a non-union shop.


	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Phil OKunewick)
Subject: YALBJ (but original)

Q: How does an American change a light bulb?

A: He doesn't.  He throws the lamp away and buys a new one.

   (Minutes after I made this one up, I found a discarded disposable
flashlight on the ground.  Ironic coincidence there.  Naturally I
picked up the litter and dropped the flashlight in a garbage can, but
not before removing the perfectly good light bulb.)

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (James Brister)
Subject: Lawyers and Garbage

Seen in Hagar the Horrible today:

"The U.S. has 70 percent of the world's lawyers, and generates 70 percent
of the world's garbage... but I repeat myself...."


	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Subject: Sexist Male Joke

In the beginning I seem to remember someone asked for Male sexist jokes -
not a social discourse.

  " Some husbands are living proof that women can take a joke "
                                              - Bumper Sticker

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: Questor::Free Internet/Usenet*Vancouver*BC::+1 604 681.0670
From: (Dave Gelbart)
Subject: Anarchists and tea, pun

[Heard this one at a left-wing bookshop recently...]

Why do anarchists drink only herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Bruce Raoul Parnas)
Subject: wc graffitti

i saw these two comments written on the wall of a bathroom stall about 10 years ago:

My Mother made me a HOMOSEXUAL!

If I send her the yarn, can she make me one, too?

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
Organization: Federation of Sentient Planets, Burnaby BC
From: (Rob Prior)
Subject: Cannibal Joke

Q:  Why don't Cannibals eat Clowns?

A:  They taste funny.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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