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The New Jersey Environmentalist Manifesto
(maybe, original)

(The following is original. -S.)

		     T H E   N E W   J E R S E Y
	 E N V I R O N M E N T A L I S T    M A N I F E S T O

The following Eight Point Manifesto has been developed by the
environmentalists of New Jersey to help maintain the quality of life
here in the Garden Apartment State. Due to our constant vigilance and
deep concern, we no longer have problems like the endangerment of the
Spotted Owl and the Salmon. In fact, we don't have any birds or fish
to give us problems at all. New residents should memorize this
Manifesto and put it into practice in their daily lives.

1. Litter:	The New Jersey Environmentalist throws it out his car
		window, whereupon it becomes someone else's problem.
		(And who cares about them, anyway?) After all, you'd
		have to walk (EECH!) to get to a trash can. 

2. Open Space:	Found inside malls. The really big ones, of course.
		Building malls is a good way to conserve space that
		would otherwise go to waste in some useless woods or

3. Fresh Air:	Comes from central air conditioning. Best if kept at
		64 degrees F or below. It's normal to wear sweaters in
		the middle of a heat wave. The New Jersey
		Environmentalist keeps all windows tightly closed at
		all times, so that the Fresh Air is not contaminated
		by anything from The Outdoors (see below.)

4. The Outdoors: This is the space you have to walk through (EECH!)
		to get from the air-conditioned buildings to the
		air-conditioned car. That is, unless the car is in an
		air-conditioned parking deck. The true New Jersey
		Environmentalist supports the latter, because then
		he's always inside in the Fresh Air.

5. Plants:	The New Jersey Environmentalist realizes the need for
		plants. Plants have two uses, depending on their size.
		The little ones are useful for spraying with ChemLawn.
		(Make sure your children stay inside in the Fresh Air
		after you have done this.) The big ones (i.e. trees)
		should be cut down to make room for more strip malls,
		to conserve Open Space.

6. Energy:	The New Jersey Environmentalist conserves his energy
		by driving everywhere he has to go, and many places he
		doesn't. Otherwise, he'd have to walk (EECH!) to get
		places. It's dangerous walking in The Outdoors,
		because there are so many cars there. The bigger your
		car is, the better, because there's more Open Space
		and Fresh Air inside.

7. Recycling:	Why bother? Nobody else does. New Jersey residents
		don't want a bottle bill, because it would
		inconvenience everybody and result in over six layoffs
		in the bottle industry around Glassboro. The New Jersey
		Environmentalist recycles his garbage, old tires, and
		dead refrigerators by converting them into Litter (see

8. Wetlands:	This usually means the Shore, where they've gotten rid
		of a lot of yucky marshes to build beautiful condos
		and strip malls. Every Friday, the New Jersey
		Environmentalist joins the traffic jam on the way to
		the Shore, so that he can have more time in the Fresh
		Air inside his car. He does the same thing on Sunday,
		but this time in the opposite direction. Once at the
		Shore, the New Jersey Environmentalist NEVER goes
		Outdoors, since the Freon from the air conditioners has
		destroyed the ozone layer and he'd get skin cancer. 

		If you must go outside, remember that the proper way to
		enjoy the environment is to do so on one square yard
		of sand, along with half a million other New Jersey
		Environmentalists and their boom boxes. Watch out for
		the syringes, and maybe you can collect a few New
		Jersey Beach Whistles *.

* Discarded tampon applicators.

- Steve "Environmentally Incorrect (for New Jersey)"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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