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Pentagon announces new-jargon deployment (Daniel Bowen)
(topical, chuckle, iraq)

The Pentagon held a news conference last night to fully explain some of the military jargon that were being used in official news releases during the Gulf War.

CDHU--Collateral damage humanoid units--people who get in the way. Not that we're purposely aiming at them, but let's face it, it's no loss really as they probably aren't Christians and most don't even speak English. That's what comes of not being born on the right side, in a God-fearing country; serves 'em right, really.

FM--Friendly missile--one of ours. The Allies had friendly missiles fired from planes and ships pounding the Iraqi forces continuously. Friendly missiles are identified by a big smiling face painted on the warhead. Damage as a result of friendly missiles will now be known as "friendly damage," and the explosives inside the warhead are known as "friendly explosives."

NWISSBM--Nasty-wasty Iraqi scum-sucking bastard missile--one of theirs

OTRCNNXF--Off The Record CNN Exclusive False-report--given to CNN by us so that Saddam will believe it to be the gospel truth. Neat, eh?

New Allied Weaponry

The Pentagon has announced the deployment of selected recently developed weapons in the Gulf; part of the US Government's continuing commitment to support Allied forces with the latest technology:

The SKM--Shit-Kicker Missile. When this baby hits them Iraqis, the shit really hits the fan!

FBT--Fucking-big tank. This tank is 150 feet wide and 200 feet long, and it's purpose was to make the ground war much simplified by simply running over enemy soldiers. Special decapitation implements on the underside of the tank helped ensure Allied victory. In normal circumstances an Allied RCM (Refuge Collection Module) followed behind, preventing any environmental damage to the desert by scooping up the human blood 'n' guts.

TXjet--Specially developed fighter/bomber for use by Texan pilots. It has an enlarged cockpit to cope with their hats.

BVM--now installed in all troop-transport planes, the BVM (Burger Vending Machine) now features the new IraqiBurger for only $1.45; it helps our forces feel at home. To fully simulate a Florida McDonald's environment a computer-controlled rifle installed in the plane can be programmed to fire at random.

FMFM--the FM installed Friendly Missile--so called because it has a built-in FM stereo receiver which plays the "Star Spangled Banner" as it explodes into its target.

by: Daniel Bowen,
from: Toxic Custard Workshop Files, Number 36

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