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Saddam's New Year message (Jonathan R. Partington)
(orginal, topical, smirk)

{ed This story got lost in the queues}

 Well hello there everyone, this is your old pal Saddam Hussein
(supreme ruler of Iraq, Kuwait, and those parts of Neptune with
lots of oil) hoping that you're feeling as grrrrrreat as I am...
I feel so good I could eat a new-born baby -- in fact I'm having
one for dinner.

 Welcome to 1991, a year which is going to be a bundle of fun
from beginning to end, guys.

 Now to all you servicemen in the Gulf... go home, guys. Your
wife is currently committing adultery with Donald Duck, Bugs
Bunny and Dan Quail -- funny how all these sexy stars have animal
names isn't it? Still who can forget my old pal Camel Attaturk...

 Now, what you're all wondering is... will I be invading the
United States after January 15th, in order to win back Alaska in
the most holy name of Mohammed? Historically of course Alaska is
a part of Iraq, and the Americans only took it to ensure their
oil interests. Well, Bushy, old man, you've been found out. The
Baghdad branch of the United Nations (chairman Saddam Hussein,
vice-chairman Mr Toxiq Gaziz) has met and unanimously condemned
your actions. So there. Anyway the invasion date for Alaska is
being kept secret, because we can't trust our generals to turn up
on the right date anyway, but it'll probably be on February 8th.

 It's been a good year in Iraq. Fiscal growth this year was about
10%, mostly in the form of Kuwaiti postage stamps. Any of you
collectors like to buy some? We've also been rebuilding our
ancient heritage -- as some of you know, I am directly descended
from Belshazzar the King, so we're now putting up some new
apartments in Babylon. We're also giving Sodom and Gomorrah a
face-lift as well -- they should provide a tourist attraction to
rival Disneyland, know what I mean?

 Well, that's about the end of my new year message. I've got to
put on my wig now and act as Lord Chief Justice of Baghdad.
Luckily we find all prisoners guilty unless they pay me in
advance of the trial, so it's not going to take long.

 Bye for now. I love you all.

 Your own Emperor Saddam the Cuddly, supreme ruler of Neptune,
twice voted "most sexy moustache of Baghdad," camel-driving
certificate (first class), doctor of philosophy.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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