A recent news report stated that the Iraqui soldiers are starving, reduced to begging for food from the Kuwaiti civilians. We therefore release this modest proposal. It seems that the best way to get the Conflict in the Persian Gulf to end is to bombard the hungry Iraqui troops with leaflets which say (in Arabic) "If you surrender, this quarter-pounder will be yours!" The possibilities are Endless -- why, we could release some Scratch 'n sniff leaflets which have the aroma of various foods. The smell of fruits will drive hungry troops nuts. Therefore, hundreds and hundreds of Iraqui troops would peacefully surrender with little conflict, and we can all sit down to dinner and celebrate the end of the war. Foward troops can set up large grills to cook steaks with gigantic fans to waft the aroma over to the Iraquis. Not only will this make the Iraquis go bananas, but will be a tremendous morale boost to those on the front. The only danger is the chuck wagon might be an object to capture for Iraqui commandos. However, one cannot underestimate the military possibilities. The United States can easily manufacture an explosive frosting sutible for putting on various cakes and such packages. One can therefore make a twinkie out of C4, and drop it over Kuwait. Hostess might become the next major defense contractor! The front lines might receive a vanilla-flavoured claymore used to protect coalition camps, forces, and equipment. In addition, since Sodium Nitrate, an ingredient of gunpowder, is used to preserve bologna and hot dogs (that's what gives them their red colour), one can easily make a hot dog that doubles as a black-powder explosive. We can recycle all those rock-hard dormitory meatballs as dangerous projectiles perhaps as dangerous as the uranium bullets used in anti-aircraft systems. As the United States has various bombs for the dispersal of chemical agents, what better chemical agent could be dispersed than Ketchup or Worchestershire sauce, or, if the generals feel particulary naughty, Tobasco sauce. Carpet Bombing using cans of Potato chips might be equally as effective as high explosives. Even high fashioned omelettes such as the flambee (the flaming omelette) and drinks such as the Feuerzangebole (?) might become popular at the front. The RAF has a chicken cannon to test the bird-proofness of airplanes (they use chickens that you buy in the grocery). This can easily modified to send Lt. Col. Sanders specials, preferably of the Extra Crispy variety. Even the college prank of making Ex-lax Brownies would be of inestimatible value, converting foxholes into latrines. Soldiers would be more vulnerable to the symptoms resulting from extrememe fright. This would give a whole new meaning to the term Tactical Movements. Sorbitol candy, which gives the same effect if eaten in large amounts, could be dropped from low-flying B-52's. Guavas, on the other hand, if eaten innards and all can cause constipation. Food laced with much garlic might make the close quarters of tank operators unbearable, thus an armour piercing round with some spaghetti and garlic sauce will not only render the tank inoperable, but will deliver the meal piping hot, ready for eating. The possibilities of the phrase "Let them Eat Cake" has a new meaning. The indestructable fruit cake made of pounding glazed fruit into a cake with a hammer is deadly in the hands of a tank commander. By firing the cake through the muzzle at the enemy, the Iraquis can now have the cake and eat it too. Fruits must not be ignored. Bananas have lots of appeal, and therefore, can cause loss of traction. Cherry bombs are easily constructed from readily available materials. Agent Orange and potato mashers cause much havoc with the troops. Manufacture of such weaponry is a plum job, and we expect many bids from contractors. The raisin-d'-etre is that re-pears should seldom be necessary, and manufacture is cheap. The ultimate gas weapon, however, is not mustard gas, but beans. Thousands and thousands of baked beans, bean soup, and chile with lots of beans should be airlifted to the Iraquis. Not only will the gas be unbearable, but since the gas that beans ultimately produce can contain traces of methane, a large enough concentration of the gas can be explosive, incurring much harm to the already entrenched Iraqui troops, should they wish to smoke a cigarette. It is much to the experts' surprise that the soldiers get bean soup once a day as things go. They suspect that he will use that to discourage ground attacks, as Americans dislike gas as much as anyone else. Of course, much care must be taken to avoid dropping food containing pork, alcohol, meat and milk, or shellfish (to name a few things). Not only will the islamic Iraquis refuse to eat them, but it is unethical. Our president is fighting this war on ethical and just grounds, it would be a bad idea to undermine our president by fighting in such an underhanded way. This of course would rule out dropping cheeseburgers, beef stroganoff, lobster bisque, bacon, and candies such as _crunchy_frog_ and _spring_surprise_. However, we believe that in the preceeding paragraphs, we have already added much food for thought which can be used to win the war. An army mess seargent who wishes to remain anonymous said should the Iraquis refuse to surrender, they'll get creamed. He says that despite the possibilities of heavy casulties (usually from army food, rations, or unwashed mermites), the food drive should make the defeat of Iraq as easy as apple pie. The only resistance we see is those people who think this whole enterprise is corny.
(From the "Rest" of RHF)