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A Very Modest Proposal (UCC MR. DOJUN YOSHIKAMI)
(topical, original, smirk)

A recent news report stated that the Iraqui soldiers are starving, reduced
to begging for food from the Kuwaiti civilians.  We therefore release this
modest proposal.

It seems that the best way to get the Conflict in the Persian Gulf to end
is to bombard the hungry Iraqui troops with leaflets which say (in Arabic)
"If you surrender, this quarter-pounder will be yours!"   The possibilities are
Endless -- why, we could release some Scratch 'n sniff leaflets which have
the aroma of various foods.  The smell of fruits will drive hungry troops nuts.
Therefore, hundreds and hundreds of Iraqui troops would peacefully surrender 
with little conflict, and we can all sit down to dinner and celebrate the end 
of the war.  Foward troops can set up large grills to cook steaks with gigantic 
fans to waft the aroma over to the Iraquis.  Not only will this make the
Iraquis go bananas, but will be a tremendous morale boost to those on the front.
The only danger is the chuck wagon might be an object to capture for Iraqui 

However, one cannot underestimate the military possibilities.  The United
States can easily manufacture an explosive frosting sutible for putting
on various cakes and such packages.  One can therefore make a twinkie out
of C4, and drop it over Kuwait.  Hostess might become the next major
defense contractor!  The front lines might receive a vanilla-flavoured
claymore used to protect coalition camps, forces, and equipment.  In addition,
since Sodium Nitrate, an ingredient of gunpowder, is used to preserve bologna
and hot dogs (that's what gives them their red colour), one can easily make
a hot dog that doubles as a black-powder explosive.  We can recycle all those
rock-hard dormitory meatballs as dangerous projectiles perhaps as dangerous
as the uranium bullets used in anti-aircraft systems.  As the United States
has various bombs for the dispersal of chemical agents, what better chemical
agent could be dispersed than Ketchup or Worchestershire sauce, or, if the
generals feel particulary naughty, Tobasco sauce.  Carpet Bombing using
cans of Potato chips might be equally as effective as high explosives.  Even
high fashioned omelettes such as the flambee (the flaming omelette)  and drinks
such as the Feuerzangebole (?) might become popular at the front.
The RAF has a chicken cannon to test the bird-proofness of airplanes (they use
chickens that you buy in the grocery).  This can easily modified to send
Lt. Col. Sanders specials, preferably of the Extra Crispy variety.
Even the college prank of making Ex-lax Brownies would be of inestimatible
value, converting foxholes into latrines.  Soldiers would be more vulnerable
to the symptoms resulting from extrememe fright.  This would give a whole
new meaning to the term Tactical Movements.  Sorbitol candy, which gives the
same effect if eaten in large amounts, could be dropped from low-flying
B-52's.  Guavas, on the other hand, if eaten innards and all can cause
constipation.  Food laced with much garlic might make the close quarters of 
tank operators unbearable, thus an armour piercing round with some spaghetti and
garlic sauce will not only render the tank inoperable, but will deliver the
meal piping hot, ready for eating.  The possibilities of the phrase "Let them
Eat Cake" has a new meaning.  The indestructable fruit cake made of pounding
glazed fruit into a cake with a hammer is deadly in the hands of a tank
commander.  By firing the cake through the muzzle at the enemy, the Iraquis 
can now have the cake and eat it too.

Fruits must not be ignored.  Bananas have lots of appeal, and therefore,
can cause loss of traction.  Cherry bombs are easily constructed from readily
available materials.  Agent Orange and potato mashers cause much havoc with
the troops.  Manufacture of such weaponry is a plum job, and we expect
many bids from contractors.  The raisin-d'-etre is that re-pears should
seldom be necessary, and manufacture is cheap.

The ultimate gas weapon, however, is not mustard gas, but beans.  Thousands
and thousands of baked beans, bean soup, and chile with lots of beans should
be airlifted to the Iraquis.  Not only will the gas be unbearable, but since the
gas that beans ultimately produce can contain traces of methane, a large
enough concentration of the gas can be explosive, incurring much harm to
the already entrenched Iraqui troops, should they wish to smoke a cigarette.
It is much to the experts' surprise that the soldiers get bean soup once a day
as things go.  They suspect that he will use that to discourage ground attacks,
as Americans dislike gas as much as anyone else.

Of course, much care must be taken to avoid dropping food containing pork, 
alcohol, meat and milk, or shellfish (to name a few things).  Not only will
the islamic Iraquis refuse to eat them, but it is unethical.  Our president
is fighting this war on ethical and just grounds, it would be a bad idea to
undermine our president by fighting in such an underhanded way.
This of course would rule out dropping cheeseburgers, beef stroganoff,
lobster bisque, bacon, and candies such as _crunchy_frog_ and _spring_surprise_.
However, we believe that in the preceeding paragraphs, we have already added 
much food for thought which can be used to win the war.

An army mess seargent who wishes to remain anonymous said should the Iraquis
refuse to surrender, they'll get creamed.  He says that despite the 
possibilities of heavy casulties (usually from army food, rations, or unwashed
mermites), the food drive should make the defeat of Iraq as easy as apple pie. 
The only resistance we see is those people who think this whole enterprise is 

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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