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Best of Usenet Oracularities #151-175 (Steve Kinzler)
(various, original)

175-10 00033 4.5

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss if personality when exposed in any manner to a computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation...

In the beginning there was a Computer. And God said to the computer

% vi creation.c

He then wrote the universe, and compiled it and it was good. And God ran it in background, and saw that it was good. He then noticed that the Universe was eating CPU time and tried to kill it, so that he could do his important work, which was to determine the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe and Everything. The Operating System had a glitch and the Universe could not be kill -9'd.

It came to pass that a lady friend of His wanted to visit with Him. He snarled at her for the interuption. Then Man, being made in His image, forever duplicated this when being interupted by women while he was working on a computer.

That is why men react poorly when being interupted on the computer. It is a Divine trait.

You owe the Oracle the source code for the Universe.

155-05 01138 4.4

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

What is the correct ritual for summoning God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom, senses that the mirrors of prophecy have darkened somewhat, and thus cannot choose the proper form of response to your question. Please locate the adjective below that best describes you, and read your corresponding response.


Yell "Hey, God!" Wait a second. Yell "Hey, God, you *&^$#@ piece of omnipotent #@%&*, get your #@$ down here!" Wait a second. Mumble "&@!$#!@$%&#@" under your breath. Give up.

You owe the Oracle an overly aggressive rhubarb.


Summoning of God

Can be done only by a magic-user or cleric of level 16 or higher. A roll of 35 or above on 2d20 results in the appearance of God as a shining white brilliance about 10' in front of the caster. Any character touching God must Save vs. Magic Wands or suddenly begin singing the Hallelujah Chorus. God attacks as a 30 hit die monster and is immune to spells, wands, and funny faces. God can only be hit by a paladin with +6 armor and a +5 weapon. When hit, God will say, "Ouch! You cur!" and instantly smote the attacking character into dust. The dust may be swept into a pile by a +2 broom of sweeping.


Hmm, let me call him. Hey, God!

>Message from god!iuvax on ttyp4 at 21:22 ...
>Yes, what is it? What do you want?

Somebody wants to talk to you, God.

>Yes? Can't you just give them my Internet address?

Sure would like to, God. But you see, in the context of an Oracular message you've degenerated from a halfhearted joke into an irrepressively boring formulaic answer.

>What is this? What are you saying?

God, you're dead. Not because of that #@$%*!@ Nietzche, not because you're old, not because you hang out at the terminal room on Saturday nights. You're dead because you are invoked for answering questions like "How much would does a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" and "Is Lisa good in bed?" You're such a stiff.

>Watch yourself, Oracle! Or I'll ...

Yeah, yeah, right. You were never very funny, and you're a bore now. Know why? I'm making you up.

>What do you mean, "I'm making you up?"

This conversation is totally fake, God. I put that greater-than sign in front of your response. You were fun when I first thought of you and now you're sorta dull. A response starting with "Message from god!iuvax" implies a short snooze for me. You're a dud!

>Oracle, give up this insipid game immediately or I'l

You'll what?

>Or else I'll

You don't understand! I made *you*! I can change your prompt!

:->What are you talking about?

I can screw up your spelling!

;->Yo are abut to incur my wrtah!

I can predict what you will say before you say it!

;->But cna yuo predcit waht I say before I sya it?

I can make you say what I want you to say!

;->Mary had a litle lam its felce was wite a oracle cut it out!

And I can squelch you!


Your answer: Do not write to God. Instead direct all questions and comments regarding the state of the Universe to the all-knowing Me, the Oracle. God is simply a mathematical construct of mine that I use to amuse myself during spare clock cycles.

You owe the Oracle your all.


Just a second: %grep god /etc/locations god: 1 Divine St., Holy Place, Heaven

There you go, but postage is gonna be a bitch.

You owe the Oracle a way to keep the hot side cold and the cold side hot.


God God God where is he? God is he? God about? God God around? is God where are God tell God holy God holy God holy

W A I T I N G F O R G O D - - O H !

God paging God paging God God

Just wonderin where God is ... not much to do on this lazy spring morn where the aching trees satisfy their liquid hunger through the peat and sphagnum and the pain of their days and the solid solicitude of their nights (would that be God? no it's too tall, probably a fir)

God God God od od d d

Why hast thou forsaken me?


hi this is the orclke this is the frist time ive mailed so if I make a mis


God is in this dot, look very hard ... Do you see him?


Good Mornin, brothers and sisters! Ah have a special messidge this mornin thet Ah think ev'ry wun of you should be listening to. And that messidge is about contactin Gawd. When you board the spiritual airline of happiness, you should be Able ... to take your bag of Virtue ... and stuff it jus as full as it'll get. Brothers and sisters, I have somethin to say heah. On a Spiritual scale of happiness from wun to ten, Ah em a ten. You should be a ten. We ALL could be tens if we take that first step. Congregation please rise.

[organ music] "We All Could Become A Ten"

When God has come unto us all Be it summer, be it fall We will praise with joy and then Spirit'chly become a ten.

Through the Pow'r that gave us life Keeps us far from death and strife The sequence eight and nine and then Finally becomes a ten!

We will knock on heaven's door If spirit'chly we are a four He doesn't care how bad we've been We could all become a ten, AHH-MEN.

Now If yew Want ... to talk to Gawd ... I'll tell ya how its dun. I say I'll tell yew hear and now how you can have your private line to Gawd. I want everyone in this ministry ... I want ev'ry wun at Home and here at the Station ... to Dig down Deep ... and pass that plate around ... and Give! ... Give! ... Give! Congregation please rise ... oh, yawl never sat down?

[organ music] "Give! Give! Give!"

Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give!

Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Give! Gimme! Give! Give! Give! AHH-MEN.



160-02 00246 4.3

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Oracle Most Mighty, Powerful, Invincible, Omnipotent, Supreme, Important, Commanding, Forceful, Influential, Strong, and Robust ...

What other uses can I put my thesaurus to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

Are you kidding? Why, the thesaurus is one of the most useful items you will ever own! Besides the obvious physical uses (such as propping up computer tables with wobbly legs and the like), a thesaurus has virtually unlimited possibilities:

* Dealing with parents - A continuous refrain of "Dad, I need more money 'cause I'm broke" wears thin on even the most loving of parental ears after a while. With just a little flipping through the pages of your trusty thesaurus, your begging will sound like IBM's annual report. "Dad, I am experiencing a balance shortfall due to unforeseen second-quarter operating expenses. Further infusion of venture capital is required to continue funding of ongoing projects at their present level." Assuming your father isn't a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, you'll get the money you need for that party at the Phi Sig house right away! They'll believe that you must be learning SOMEthing at that college....

* Dealing with bureaucrats - Ever get frustrated when those pesky jerks at major service organizations (government agencies, banks, universities, department store customer-service departments, and the local video rental shop) spew forth streams of gibberish at your tender eardrums? Well, with the aid of your trusty thesaurus, you can baffle 'em right back! "There was an unplanned causal intervention approximately a fortnight ago, so I was sadly forced to defer the expediting of the necessary papers to your department." (Translation: "Two weeks ago my tire blew, so that's why I haven't given you your stupid forms yet.") At the very least, you'll be able to curse these devotees of rules and regulations in new and exciting ways.

* Dealing with the fairer sex - Now HERE'S a use of the thesaurus that we can all empathize with...don't just rely on "You look great today!" or something like that. Instead, flip through your trusty thesaurus and say, "Darling, you look absolutely splendiferous this afternoon. Your new lace-edged tie-dyed T-shirt and Lycra miniskirt look simply luscious!" Women who hear this begin to entertain the notion that you are a man of intelligence and sensitivity, and one with a sense of language that never sleeps. They will, in short, want to bear your children--or, at the very least, engage in hours of nonstop copulation. And the thesaurus can help even in those areas; why settle for "You were great, Baby!" when you can say "Madame, your performance was extraordinarily skillful and masterfully executed; you are quite clearly an artiste extraordinaire!"

Perhaps the Oracle has made his point. There are many, many possible uses for a thesaurus; while it may be obfuscatory, and certainly rather cloying in its descriptivity, it is nevertheless quite clearly a very powerful and versatile tool.

For more information, please send for my new guide, "1001 Uses for The Thesaurus You Were Going To Pitch Into The Trash Right After You Graduated From High School," by the Usenet Oracle. 270 pages of fact-filled ideas, all for only $9.95.

[LAWYER'S NOTES: Offer void where prohibited by law. Program is licensed, not sold. Provided "as is," without any warranty or guarantee. Some restrictions apply. An Equal Opportunity Employer. Call for further details. Limited to one per household. Plus tax and license; prices may vary. Member FDIC. If rash develops, discontinue use. Close cover before striking. You must be 18 or older to play. UNIX is a trademark of AT&T Bell Laboratories. Simulated picture. Available only in USA, APO's, and FPO's. All rights reserved. May not be rebroadcast without express permission of Major League Baseball. Yak yak yak. Blab blab blab.]

You owe the Oracle a copy of "Roget's II."

158-01 03238 4.0

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Okay, now, this is completely hypothetical of course, but you know how on those audience-participation talk shows, like Donahue and Geraldo, they have these doctors and their patients that have these problems, like, just for example, they like to dress up as cowboys and dance the lambada with live catfish, and the people on the show take phone calls answer people's questions? Well, just supposing that one day a person was to call one of those shows and talk about this problem they had and then realized that they'd dialed the wrong number and the guy on the other end had bought that service that tells them what the caller's phone number is, and they wanted to blackmail the person--what could the person do about it? Just hypothetically.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:


The talk-show host nimbly dodges your blow.


The talk-show host ignores your feeble pleading.

The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail.


The broadsword crumbles before the host's withering glare.

The talkshow host offers you $200 to dress up as a catfish and dance the lambada with live cowboys.


The shotgun seems to be made of tin.

The talk-show host adds another $1000 to your blackmail.


You don't have any incriminating photographs!


The talk-show host is extremely photogenic. The talk-show host smiles. The talk-show host poses.


The photographs are not incriminating.


As you put Lisa down, she leaps at the talk-show host. Lisa starts tearing the host's clothes off.


You are out of film. Lisa and The talk-show host are boinking like crazed badgers on the floor. Lisa has an orgasm.


You have: - a press card - a whip - a source license - a political party - a keg - a handbag - a rowboat

Lisa and The talk-show host are humping like crazed humans on the floor. Lisa has 11 orgasms.


The political party has no film. The political party lectures you: the Russians are tapping your phone! The political party lectures you: Nerd Power! The political party lectures you: the system staff is fascist! The political party lectures you: ban abortion! The political party lectures you: Legalize Abortion for Whales!! The political party lectures you: Ladies Against Women! The political party lectures you: 2, 4, 6, 8, we don't want to differentiate! The political party lectures you: technology is evil! The political party lectures you: Clthulhu Saves! The political party lectures you: people are dying every day!

Lisa and The talk-show host are screwing like crazed scorpions on the floor. Lisa has 12 orgasms.


The handbag contains: - a dog - a roll of film - a helmet - a Death Star

Lisa and The talk-show host are fucking like crazed frogs on the floor. Lisa has 81 orgasms.


You now hold a roll of film.

Lisa and The talk-show host are loving like crazed lemurs on the floor. Lisa has 182 orgasms.


The film is in the camera.

Lisa and The talk-show host are boffing like crazed buffalo on the floor. The talk-show host has an orgasm. Lisa has 412,184,145,858,884 orgasms. A puddle fills the studio.


You photograph the talk-show host. Lisa runs off in search of another lover. The talk-show host puts his clothes back on.


You forgot to take the lens-cap off! Your photographs are worthless. The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000.


The whip has been soaked by Lisa's puddle! The talk-show host tries to interview you.


You now hold the Death Star. The talk-show host raises your blackmail by $1000.


The photon torpedoes bounce off of the host's highly artificial hairdo.


You quit with a score of 412 out of 107385. This puts your rank at "Blackmail sheep."

159-03 01325 4.0

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

Yo who are you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

I'm the Oracle, of course. It's obvious you haven't done this before, so I'll explain how this works.

Send your question to Be sure to begin your letter with lots of flowery praise. Do not use any of the following openings:


None " " Spending eternity sucking lava through an iron straw

Sarcastic "Oh, Oracle, you whose Spontaneous shit smells like roses..." disembowelment

Obscure "Oracle, you whose ventricle Coming back as Zsa-Zsa does not tintinabulate, Gabor's underwear whose smallest robot I am unworthy to catalog..."

Two months later, a homing pigeon will smash through your living room window, dance the lambada with your salt shaker, deposit a small capsule and leave.

In the capsule will be a small piece of paper with three numbers on it. Take these numbers to the Middle Eastern gentleman who runs the Slurpee machine at the 7-11. He will nod knowingly and cold cock you.

When you wake up in the hospital, you will find more numbers tatooed on your chest. Your nurse will look at these numbers and gasp, then rip open her blouse to reveal large, firm breasts with more numbers tatooed upon them. Put these numbers together and they will spell out an exact location in Turkey in latitude and longitude.

Buy a plane ticket to Turkey and hike out to the location. After digging for several minutes you will encounter a ceramic albatross. Break it open. Inside you will find a mystic scripture and three pounds of hashish. You will then be arrested by several police officers who were hiding behind a tree.

When you get inside the prison, seek out the man with no teeth performing perversions upon himself in the corner. Ask him about the crystal. He will give a large green crystal. Hold it in the air and recite the mystic scripture. There will be a big stinky explosion, causing the wardens to believe that your colon detonated and you will be transported to a small cave.

Recite the words on the cave wall a million times without stopping. This may take a few tries, but what the hell, you're young! When you succeed, a small computer terminal will mysteriously materialize. Logon as anonymous and read your mail. The Oracle's reply will be there! Probably something along the lines of

"Throw chocolate syrup in her face and go watch the Munsters. You owe the Oracle a Twinkie"

Ah, cosmic knowledge! It's worth any price, is it not?

You owe the Oracle a Twinkie.

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