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This Old Outhouse (Brian Switzer)
(original, chuckle)

                      |    Bob Villa's    |
                      |                   |
                      | This Old Outhouse |

                        by: Brian Switzer
                          July 31, 1990

    [Opening credits and scenes of various outhouses redone in
    the past.  The camera then focuses on a scene with Bob and
    today's outhouse project.]

    Bob: Hi, and welcome to `This Old Outhouse'.  I'm Bob Villa.
        Today, we're going to install a flush toilet in this
        old farm outhouse and add a tile floor and insulated
        windows.  Edgar Burns is the plumber who's going to
        put in the toilet, let's go see how he's doing.

    [Bob walks over to Edgar who's busy watching a man removing
    the old wooden seat.]

    Bob: Hi, Edgar.  How are things going?

    Edgar: Gee, Bob.  Things are going pretty good.

    Man: Speak for yourself.  This really stinks.

    Edgar: Will here is removing the old wood bench seat to make
        way for the new ceramic toilet.

    Bob: Great.  So, Edgar, what type of toilet are we putting

    Edgar: It's an ordinary flush toilet like any other.

    Bob: Ah, I see.  And why was this type chosen?

    Edgar: Because there aren't any other types.

    Will: What a goof.  He should be doing this, not me.

    Bob: Oh.  OK then we'll let you two continue on.  [Turns to
        audience.]  Let's go see how our carpenter, Lou
        Morris, is doing with the tile.

    [Bob walks over to Lou who is sitting on a pile of floor tile
    eating a jelly sandwich.]

    Bob: Hi, Lou.  This is the tile we're putting in, eh?

    Lou: Yup.

    Bob: What are you doing?

    Lou: Having lunch.

    Bob: But it's 10:30am.  Shouldn't you be doing something to
        prepare the tile or something?

    Lou: Nope.  I have to wait for those two goofs to finish
        before I can do anything.

    Bob: Well, I suppose so.  Ok then, I'll let you go, and I'll
        see how the windows are going.  [Turns to audience.]
        Eugene Howard is our window installer.  Let's go
        see him.

    [We hear a loud yell and a crash of breaking glass just as
    Bob turns to go to the side of the outhouse.  Bob hurries to
    the outhouse to see what happened.]

    Bob: Eugene, are you OK?  What happened?

    Eugene: Oooh, that smarts.  Oh, hi, Bob.  Uh, I kinda dropped
        the hammer on my toe and backed into the new window.

    Bob: I see.  What were you doing before that happened?

    Eugene: I was about to remove the old window with the hammer
        when I dropped it on my foot.

    Bob: Isn't there a better way to remove the window than with
        a hammer.

    Eugene: Uh.

    Bob: Ever think of using a screwdriver to remove the screws
        holding in the window?

    Eugene: Hey, neat idea.  I'll do that after I go get a new

    Bob: Uh, yeah.  Anyway, let's get back to Edgar and see
        what's up.

    [Bob heads back inside where Edgar is busy running water into
    the outhouse.]

    Bob: Hi, Edgar.  How's the toilet coming?

    Edgar: Not bad.  I'm just running in the water for the toilet
        and after that, I'll install the toilet.

    Bob: Super.  I see you're using copper pipe.

    Edgar: Yeah, so.

    Bob: Just thought I'd comment.

    Edgar: I'll just put in the connection here like...  Yargh!

    [Bob and Edgar both get soaked as Edgar tries to cut into
    the existing pipe without turning off the water first.]

    Bob: I'll let you fix that, and I'll go over and see how our
        windows are coming now.

    [Bob heads over to Eugene where he has managed to remove the
    old window and is sizing up the window opening.]

    Bob: How are things now, Eugene?

    Eugene: Pretty good.  That suggestion about the screwdriver
        was really good.  Now I'm just enlarging the window
        opening because I goofed on the size and the new
        window is too big.

    Bob: Oh.  [Eugene then starts up a chainsaw.]  What are you

    Eugene: I'm enlarging the window opening.

    Bob: Isn't that chainsaw a little drastic?

    Eugene: No.

    Bob: OK, if you're sure.

    [Eugene procedes to make the window opening larger with the
    chainsaw and cuts through the water pipe that Edgar installed
    just a short time ago.]

    Eugene: Ooops.

    Bob: You'd better get Edgar on that right away.

    Eugene: Hey, EDGAR!!!  Sorry.

    Edgar: [From a distance.]  You moron!!!

    Bob: Well, let's see how Edgar's been doing.

    [Bob goes back inside to see Edgar who is soaking wet (again)
    and just finished putting in the new toilet.]

    Bob: I see you have the new toilet in now.  What's the next

    Edgar: To fix the pipe that fool cut into.

    Bob: Uh, right.  After that then what?

    Edgar: Then I give the bill to the owner and go home.

    Bob: Oh.  OK.  Well then, I'll let you finish up while I go
        check on Lou and the tile.

    [Bob walks over to Lou who's busy opening packages of tile.]

    Bob: I see you're opening up the boxes of tile.

    Lou: You're very observant.

    Bob: Are the tiles in this box supposed to be different than
        the ones in this box?

    Lou: Uh...  No.  We seem to have a mix up here.

    Bob: Well, what are you going to do about it?

    Lou: Ah...  It's only an outhouse, I'll just use them anyway.
        Nobody will know the difference.

    Bob: Just an outhouse???  This is a very vital building here!

    Lou: Give me a break.  No one has outhouses anymore.

    Bob: Well, just get it done, OK?

    Lou: Righto.

    Bob: Eugene should be done the window now.  Let's go see.

    [Bob meets Eugene at the window where Eugene is standing
    there scratching his head.]

    Bob: What's the matter Eugene?

    Eugene: How come the window opens down?

    Bob: I think you have the window in upsidedown.

    Eugene: That would explain a few things then.

    Bob: What's this little piece of wood here?  [Bob pulls on
        the little piece of wood and the window falls inward.
        and we hear a yell from Lou and a crash of breaking
        glass.]  Oh, I see.  Sorry, Lou!

    Eugene: Fine, that's it!!!  I give up.  [Eugene nails a piece
        of plywood over the window.]

    Bob: Are you going to do this tomorrow?

    Eugene: No, I quit.  I knew I should have been a software

    Bob: Well, at any rate, let's see how Lou is.

    [Bob goes inside where we find Lou busy dumping the glass
    into the toilet.]

    Lou: What the hell were you doing?

    Bob: Sorry about that.  Aside from the window, how are you
        doing with the tile.

    Lou: I was about to lay down the last tile.

    Bob: Great.  And the floor looks beautiful.

    Lou: Thanks.  Do you think you could leave for a moment?

    Bob: Oh, sure.  We've run out of time anyway.

    [Bob goes outside to close off the show.]

    Bob: And here's the end product.  [Camera zooms in on the
        outhouse behind Bob.  It's in a shambles.]  Now,
        let's compare it to the before shots.  Wow, what a
        difference.  [The before shots look much better
        than the present condition of the outhouse.]

    [Suddenly we hear a flush and a yell from the outhouse
    followed by a splash and a resounding "ARGH!!!"]

    Bob: Well, that's another job done.  This is Bob Villa for
        `This Old Outhoue'.  See you next time.

    [The closing credits scroll with scenes of the disasters
    from previous shows.]

                             The End.

    Any similarity of characters to those living or dead is
    purely idiotic and such ideas should be ignored, you putz.

| You can't have everything; where would   |        Brian Switzer        |
| you put it?  --  Stephen Wright          |   UOG01002@VM.UOGUELPH.CA   |
+------------------------------------------+------------------>=- (munch)

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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