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From the Unnatural Enquirer: The Schaeffer Image Catalog (trygve lode)
(original, smirk)

                          Welcome to
             T H E   S C H A E F F E R   I M A G E
           "Your everything means satisfaction to us"
Dear Schaeffer Image,
I want to complain about the profusion of scantilly-clad muscular
models, their powerful chiseled limbs beaded with sweat from the
rigors of your exercise equipment--what about those of us whose
terminals don't support graphics?  I feel my Constitutional rights are
being violated by allowing others to see your models when I can't.  Is
there any way to display their well-developed, tanned, and muscular
bodies using only character graphics?  If not, would it be possible to
send some of your models over to my house so that I can get a full
appreciation for the capabilities of the equipment you're selling?
      Ernest Klabra, Vermont
In an age where our very existence is threatened by global warming, it
is unconscionable for you to advertise auto accessories.  You should
be boiled in oil, skewered, drawn and quartered, and served with a
robust red wine.
      Darryl Offnut, Florida
Every issue of your catalog seems to contain at least one letter
lauding the courteous staff of your retail outlets; I beg to differ.
Not once, not a single time when I have entered one of your retail
establishments have even one of your staff accepted a date with me.
Futher, despite the fact that any place that sells health equipment
ought to have a licensed physician on the premises, they have never
provided any useful advice concerning my boils, bad breath, or
      Isambard Kingdom Smith, Kansas
You bought an answering machine because you're a busy executive and you
thought it would be a valuable time-saving device.  Well, ever since
you've plugged that object in, you've found yourself spending hour
after hour returning unnecessary and pointless telephone calls.  Now,
for the first time, the Schaeffer Image introduces the first answering
machine that really saves your time instead of wasting it!  How did we
do it?  We added the new Ultra-Screening feature!  Activate the
Ultra-Screen button and your answering machine with automatically
refuse to record messages!  In fact, with the Ultra-Screening function
on, it won't even answer the phone, keeping your precious time safe
from all those life-wasting calls!  Best of all, it's easy to use!
If you're used to using one of our older answering machines, the
Ultra-Screening activator button is right where the power switch
used to be!  It's that simple!  So order today and give yourself a
life free from annoying phone calls.
                                 Order number HELLO?-100  $135 (7.50)
If you're logged onto Usenet at 3:AM because you just can't get to
sleep, we've got the product that's the answer to all your insomnia
problems.  Here at the Schaeffer Image we've developed a powerful
hand-held computer that will electronically generate all the most
popular Usenet messages to help lull you to sleep.  Turn it on,
select the newsgroup you'd like to read, and relax as it generates
endless reams of computer-generated text that are virtually
indistinguishable from real Newsgroup messages.  You'll never have
trouble falling asleep again with the infinite variety of messages
running the gamut from thirty-seven messages in a row asking how to
display GIF format pictures on Teletype Model 10 printing terminals,
to a message with the word "eigenfunction" hyphenated at a place other
than a syllable break followed by twelve messages attacking the errant
hyphenator, followed by nine hundred and sixteen attacks on the people
complaining about the hyphenation succeded by eighteen thousand, three
hundred and twelve attacks on the people who attacked those who
attacked the original poster, to a single pre-1890 shaggy dog story
quoted in seven hundred and fifteen messages in a row, each with a
single-word comment tacked onto the end.  Best of all, we're now
offering an incredibly lifelike voice simulator that sounds
convincingly like actual Usenet users reciting the very messages the
handheld computer generates.  Use the headphone jack for privacy or
hook it up to your stereo with the enclosed adapter.
    Handheld Word Mangler with LCD Display    #AIIGH-330  $140 (6.25)
    Voice synthesizer attachment              #DRONE-210  $105 (9.75)
No doubt you've already looked at pitifully inadequate electronic
dictionaries that give you a misleading three-word definition for the
word you want to look up.  Well, thanks to the Schaeffer Image and the
publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary, we're now able to offer
you a handheld electronic dictionary that will display the complete
definition of any word you type in, whether it's "onomatopoeia" or
"floccinaucinihilipilification." Through the marvels of modern chip
technology, we've been able to squeeze the entire, unabridged OED into
a friendly, pocket sized unit.  Just order #PEDANT-300-A if you want
to receive all the definitions for words that start with "A,"
#PEDANT-300-B if you want all the definitions for words that start
with "B," and so on.
                Pocket Electronic OED    #PEDANT-300-x  $75.00 (1.25)
If you're a fan of railroad history, you owe it to yourself to get
Cowlicko's "Greatest Train Wrecks" adventure playset.  It has
everything you need to recreate the circumstances of really terrific
train disasters from the Linderhof head-on collision of 1874 in which
417 people were killed to the North Kitworth Mills incident which left
a cow with a limp and a really bad stutter.  Includes 235 pieces of
track, 4 tunnel segments, 2 suspension bridges, 1 cinderblock, 3 sets
of blasting gear complete with detonators, 14 model trains of various
types, 75 pounds of gravel mixed with honey, 1 fully functional
roundhouse, and a 1:95 scale model of Tibbles the cow complete with
moving legs.
                Train Wrecks Fun Set      #WHAPPO-220    $215 (75.00)
It seems like whenever you really need a flashlight your batteries
have bitten the big one.  That's all changed now with Durasell's
Watchdog(tm) intelligent flashlight.  Watchdog has a built-in
microcomputer that continuously monitors its batteries and guarantees
that they will never go dead on you by automatically disabling the
flashlight as soon as the voltage starts to drop.  To restore the
flashlight's lighting ability, simply insert new batteries--it's that
simple.  Best of all, Watchdog comes with a unique security feature
which prevents unauthorized access; each Watchdog comes with its own
security password--when someone presses the ON button of the
flashlight, he has just three seconds in which to type in the
twelve-digit security access password on the convenient keypad built
into the base.  Type the password in correctly, and the light goes
on--but if a burgler or someone who doesn't know the password is
trying to press the ON switch, Watchdog locks the light off for one
hour and emits an ear-shattering 146 decibel shriek.  Watchdog, by
Durasell--the most sophisticated flashlight a lot of money can buy.
                            Watchdog       #YELP-800      $420 (5.20)
Indo Technologies, Inc., has built the ultimate in space-saving design
into RadFaxVer, the only combination Fax/Clock Radio/Waterproof Shaver
that also includes a holder for sticky notes.  At home, you'll love
the convenience of using your fax, being awakened by your favorite
radio station, and shaving in the shower, all with one portable unit.
At the office, you'll be ready for that last-minute meeting because
you can fax the Onsager contract to Spelling Design Associates, know
exactly what time it is with RadFaxVer's genuine quartz movement,
listen to the latest news on the radio news channel, give yourself a
close shave so you'll look your best, and attach a sticky note to your
secretary's desk.  And you'll love RadFaxVer most of all when you're
travelling--use RadFaxVer's extra paper holder to carry a change of
underwear and it's the only piece of luggage you'll need!  RadFaxVer;
you won't know how you got along without it.
                               RADFAXVER    #HEAVY-100  $1875 (92.50)
The 180th anniversary is traditionally the Osmium Anniversary and
Dumpin' Doughnuts is celebrating the 180th birthday of the doughnut
with breathtakingly detailed, hand-crafted, 100% Osmium replicas of
their fifteen most popular doughnut varieties.  Everything from
crullers to long johns are rendered exquisitely in pure osmium,
making a collection that's sure to increase in value.
                  Doughnut Commemorative   #GLAZE-200   $285 (360.00)
The Schaeffer Image is now the exclusive dealer for Phony Corporation
of America's lightest ever pair of headphones, the Incredilights.
Phony's engineers decided to do away with heavy magnets and diaphragms,
relying instead on ultra-light coils mounted directly to your inner
ear in a simple procedure that can be done by anyone with a medical
degree or experience in any kind of plastic surgery involving the ear
canals.  Once in place, you'll be able to listen to music simply by
placing your head in a magnetic field--Incredilights will actually
pick up FM broadcasts all by themselves (station may be changed by
adding or removing fillings).  So order a pair today and start
enjoying sound that's almost weightless!  (Release forms in back of
catalog must be signed before delivery.)
                  Incredilight Headphones   #SONIQ-10   $8.95  (1.50)
                  Installation tools        #SONIQ-11 $982.50  (9.35)
The Schaeffer Image doesn't suggest that you speed, but if you do, you
might as well do so safely.  Sayso Instrument's new Radararama
Lama-Ding-Dong combines the most effective zippoheterodyne circuits
and waterproofing down to 75 meters, keeping you safe from the minions
of the law no matter where you're speeding.  In fact, Sayso Instruments
is so convinced at the effectiveness of their detector, they guarantee
that if you ever receive a speeding ticket while taking a shower, they
will send you a sympathy note, no questions asked.
                 Radararama Lama-Ding-Dong   #BOOP-200    $165 (2.10)
To order, simply send your entire wallet and non-perishable worldly
goods to the Schaeffer Image and we personally guarantee that we'll
send you something in return.
The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode   (
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided this notice remains intact.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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