Best of Jokes Current Jokes RHF Home Search Sponsor RHF?
Fun Stuff & Jokes
Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

But wait! There's More! (Mike Cuddy)
Rational Machines, Santa Clara, CA
(smirk, original)

{ed A somewhat long, somewhat marginal piece, but hey, it's August and
what do you expect?}

[My roommate, Dan and I thought of this while watching late night idiotic 
 television commercials.  T.V.: where would our life be without it?]


		[Scene opens with black screen.  Small black and
	 	 white photo of pitifully deprived Ethiopian child
	 	 appears full screen and zooms to upper left
	 	 corner, one third height and width of the screen.
	 	 Fade in sappy, sad violin music.]

Deep female voice:  Poverty...

		[Picture of another starved child in a hospital
		 appears and zooms next to the previous picture.
		 Continue tiling a total of nine pictures during
		 introductory voice over.]

Deep female voice:  Sickness...  Famine...  War...  Drought...
	Suffering...  Children bathing in the same disease infested
	waters that the animals drink from...  Rats gnawing at small
	children's bones.

		[Dissolve to: image of ``Warm Caring Motherly
		 Washed-Up Ex-Television Star'' who can't get work
		 anyplace else, sitting on stool, fades into view.
		 Camera slowly zooms to head/shoulder view.]

WCMWUETS:  You can help.  Thousands of children a day become ill, die, or
	are brutally tortured in the name of science in hundreds of
	ass-backwards third-world countries around the world.

		[Pause, music fades out]

WCMWUETS:  How much does it cost to save a child's life?  For the cost of
	a Nintendo cartridge, two Big Macs, and a pair of tickets to see the
	Dodgers (upper deck), you can start doing a world of good.  Tell them,
	Don Pardo!

Don Pardo: Yes, Gloria, for only $9.95 you can start your
	membership in the Columbia Mint/Time-Life Save The Child of
	the Month Club!  You'll be saving children from...

		[Cut to collage of stills depicting children
		 in various depraved (uh, deprived) states.
		 Including several ugly and dirty (but cute) 
		 babies with disgusting ``C.A.R.E.'' gruel on 
		 their faces.  List of countries scroll up the
		 screen, Star Wars style, white letters, every
		 fourth in yellow, with their names announced
		 by Mr. Pardo.]

Don Pardo:  Nigeria... Ethiopia... China...  Mozambique...
	Zimbabwe...  South Africa...  South Carolina...  Beverly
	Hills...  AND if you're one of the lucky first one hundred
	callers, you could save a child in...  Panama...  Nicaragua...  
	East L.A....  or even a slum local to your own home town!  
	Call now, with your Visa or Master Card, and your first child 
	will arrive, postage paid, for the amazingly low price of $19.95, 
	plus $39.95 shipping and handling.  If you have pity on the 
	downtrodden child, do nothing and more children of the month 
	will arrive one at a time every other month, and your credit 
	card will be billed for only $79.95 a month!  If for any 
	reason,  you're not completely satisfied, write cancel on 
	the bill and keep the first month's child as your free gift!

		[Cut to bright blue screen with large letters
		 and stylized credit cards in upper corners]

		| visa    Columbia Mint / Time Life   m/c |
		|     Save the Child of the Month Club    |
		|                                         |
		|           1 - 900 - USA 4 KID           |
		|                                         |
		|                or Write:                |
		|                                         |
		|          CM/TL STCOTM Club              |
		|          1 Rockerfeller Center          |
		|          Box 350                        |
		|          Boston, MA 02134               |
		|                                         |
		|   No COD's -- Limit 1 per household,    |
		|        Kids, Get your parents'          |
		|        approval before calling!         |
		|                                         |

Don Pardo: The first 1000 callers receive a the free 8 page _book_:
	``Fran Tarkinton's How to Get Rich in Real Estate While
	Staying Young With Oriental Beauty Secrets.''

		[Dissolve bad to the frump sitting on the stool,
		 quarter face shot.] 
WCMWUETS:  (in sexy voice)  You get so much, and it's sooo
	(licks lips) easy to do.  (in pleading voice)  Call now.
	It's the right thing to do.

Don Pardo: Act now and we'll throw in a free Soloflex home
	entertainment and bondage system!

		[Aging actress falls off stool.  Fade to black.]

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

Best of Jokes | Current Jokes | RHF Home | Search