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FREE Offer (Lonhyn T. Jasinskyj)
(topical, smirk)

The current situation in Lithuania reminded me of something I composed a while ago to send to a friend, perhaps it will be humorous to some of you. The terminology is authentic, names have been changed to protect...:


Your nation has been selected as a recipient of our fraternal assistance plan for socially oppressed third-world countries. We recognize the plight of our brother countries in their struggle against revaunchism, reactionary forces, and insidious cosmopolitanism, and stand ever-vigilant, ready to take the vanguard in this global mission. Our party will help you guard against dangerous enemies, both internal and external, as you build communism for your future generations.

We have helped other countries like yours in casting off external forces of capitalist imperialism and crushing petty-bourgeois nationalist movements that are stirred up by the enemies of the people from within. We have selected your country because of its prominent position in the world struggle and have decided to render the assistance within the week.

Let it be understood that all those who oppose us oppose progress; those who support us toil towards the establishment of a workers' paradise; and as our father/comrade proclaimed: Those who are not with us are against us.

We hope that you will take advantage of our generous offer when our forces begin arriving next week to crush the capitalist serpent that is choking the life of the proletariat in your homeland. Comrades, let us both stand together at this historic moment, let our cadres help your cadres, let the strength of the motherland prevail against your enemies, and let us hope that our relationship is an eternal and productive one.

Mail before midnight Moscow time!

[] Yes, I am excited by your offer of fraternal assistance in this, our darkest hour of ideological need. Please send your workers' forces to deliver us from the imperialist onslaught and correct any deviations from the road to socialism.

[] No, we do not need an invasion right now. We are not interested in the slaughter you propose and have no desire to construct communism at this time. Please remember that our country is populated by religious fanatics who would gladly ream your bolshevik behinds just as in Afghanistan. However, we might be interested next year if our foreign aid package from the West does not come through due to our extensive human rights abuses.

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