Best of Jokes Current Jokes RHF Home Search Sponsor RHF?
Fun Stuff & Jokes
Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

The Oneliner file Annual

funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy)
(racist, sexist, sexual, chuckle)

Editors Note:

	Here it is folks, the oneliner file.  Over the past year, I have
	received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but
	not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting.
	I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the
	buffer.  These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.

	Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own
	favourite one liners.  There are thousands of these things in
	the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on
	an infrequent basis.  Remember, one joke per submission.

	My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a
	time.  Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in
	a bunch.


From: watmath!linus!encore!loverso (John LoVerso)
>From Dave Barry's Annual Tax-time article, Jan 17, Boston Sunday Globe:

Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?  Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!linus!harvard!!broder (Andrei Broder)

          1.   A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the
          devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies"..

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: Kent Paul Dolan <watmath!linus!harvard!!kent>

Heard on National Public Radio:

I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: Paul S. R. Chisholm, {ihnp4,cbosgd,allegra,rutgers}!mtune!lznv!psc

In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!linus!harvard!uw-beaver!tc.fluke.COM!dbb (Throat Warbler Mangrove)

A feature is a bug with seniority.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: P. Ryan<watmath!bellcore!bpa!sjuvax!>

"How can you waste beer like that!!  Don't you realize there are sober
 chilren in Africa!!"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: Stan Reeves <gatech!gt-eedsp!sjreeves%gt-eedsp>

Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal --

"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"

"No, dear.  Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!uunet!!u-pgardi%sunset (Phillip Garding)

Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions.  I have never seen this
particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around.
I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend.

Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a 
	display screen

File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing
       all of the work

Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.

MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company

Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then

X-Possible-Reply-Path: (Jim Hickstein)

Bankers' Hours:  That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!aucs!820785gm (Andrew MacLeod)

Have you met the "bud light" couple?
She tastes great, and he's less filling!
	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Julian Cowley)

Who was the first computer expert ever?

Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!uunet!!mikew (Mike Wexler)

[This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor.

The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to
cite.  We thought we should say that lest you think we made
them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...]

o Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.

o Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself(or doesn't know any better).

o Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in

o Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will
always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do 
the job.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: Bryan Hoog <watmath!hppad!hpfcla!hplabs!hplsla!bryanh>
    (From a recent Newsweek.)

Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:

      "I feel like a 20-year old!  Unfortunately, there aren't any here."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: <watmath!ihnp4!ihlpf!rueb>
Subject: what's the difference between kinky and perverted

Kinky is when you use a feather;
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!nicmad!astroatc!philm (Phil Mason)

What do you call poisoned coffee?   - - - Grounds for divorce.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: <watmath!research!ark>

A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.

(I made this one up)

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!ziebmef!martin (Martin Loeffler)

(from a friend, Gonzo Tog (Tells you something))

Guys talking in a bar:

....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with
Na. Fits like a glove.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!cbterra.MIS.OH.ATT.COM!sbt (sb tobias)

     did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?

     yeah, he thought it was diet coke.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: <watmath!att!mtune!poseidon!psrc>

(Overheard between a UNIX(R) system novice and guru:)

"What causes a bus error?"

"Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!!broehl (Bernie Roehl)

This was heard floating around the late-night parties at the Theatre Ontario
Summer courses last week.  Don't know the original source.

Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"

A: "Is there a dog?"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!uunet!!oxy!nun.of.the.above (Ilan U. Woll)

Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>

(from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke)

Q:  How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

A:  His dick tastes like shit.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: <watmath!clyde!mtune!att!ihlpl!brandx>

OK, here's anther from Partyfinger ...

Do you know why there were only 600 Mexicans at the Battle of the

There were only 2 cars!

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: SpIKe <watmath!!drascic>
Subject: Pope Joke

John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips
to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:

"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!"

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!wdl1!jtd (Jeffrey T. DeMello)

How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: (Mark William Hopkins)
Subject: Uncited Buddha Sayings

Good things come to those who gain weight

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: tektronix!ogcvax!littlei!vasa1!ajw

"I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but 
they now let him pre-board Air Force One."
					-- Dennis Miller

Q.  What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A.  Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
					-- anon.

	=	=	=	=	=	=	=
From: Phil Regier <watmath!watvlsi!peregier>

  Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
  It turns setters into pointers.

  Heard on an ancient Tonight Show - by somebody like Phyllis Diller.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

Previous | RHF Joke Archives | Next

Best of Jokes | Current Jokes | RHF Home | Search

Get The Internet Jokebook
Featuring the very best of on dead trees.