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NetNews: every American's duty [rec.humor.funny]

NetNews: every American's duty (GarBear Irick)
Purdue University School of Electrical Engineering
(original, chuckle, usenet)

Dear Dave: I am fed up with the recent low quality of my usual newsgroups. Should I stick with it, or just say "to heck with it?"

                                     Just another wondering fan... 
                                          Joe NewsReader 

Dave: Reminds me of an incident last week... I remember it just like it was videotaped this afternoon....

[screen becomes wavy and distorted...]

Dave: "Hal!! Oh, Hal!! I think I'm slipping into that damn dream sequence again!"

[as screen focuses, it shows Dave reading news with the boys in the band...]

Dave: "Damn, I hate rec.humor. Nothing funny EVER gets posted here. Hmmm... Another collection of light-bulb jokes... ah, hell... Paul, you see any good news over there in alt.folklore.computers???"

Paul: "Well, Dave, me and the cats are looking, but I don't see anything good in here so far. Anton, how about you?"

Anton: "Nope, nothing in rec.ballet, my FAVORITE group... Maybe Will has something?"

Will: "Well, I don't see anything in rec.short.white.guys either..."

Sid: "And is equally as dead today, Dave. Sorry..."

Dave: "Damn!! That's it, I'm cutting off the InterNet link. With God as my witness, there will be NO MORE NEWS at THIS site!!"

[Dave goes for the EtherNet cable with a pair of electric garden shears, but is stopped just short by...]

Larry Bud Melman (dressed as the News Fairy): "Dave! I wouldn't do that!"

Dave: "But News Fairy, we haven't seen any good news all DAY. Enough of this tiresome searching through megs and megs of double-.signatures, flames, mis-quotes, and `test' posts! I wish that net-news had NEVER BEEN INVENTED!!!"

Fairy: "Well, David, I think I may grant that wish, just to prove my point..."

[Fairy sprinkles magic News Dust over Dave's head, and the screen fuzzes for just an instant before focusing again. The Local Newsboy enters.]

Newsboy: "Extra, Extra, read all about it! Pestilence! Famine! War! Disease! Fantasy Island being brought back in prime time! Special lost episodes of Punky Brewster found in GE vault! New Kids on the Block replace Paul Shaffer and his band on {it Late Night}!"

[Dave picks up a paper and gasps in horror at the atrocities inside...]

Dave: "Gee, News Fairy, I didn't realize that net-news was this important in the grand scheme of things! I'm sorry I wished even for a second that net-news had never been!"

Fairy: "Yes, David, most people don't realize how important net-news is. It keeps your average psycho off the street, posting to his favorite groups again and again and again. That leaves the REAL world safe for the rest of us."

Dave: "Wow, News Fairy. I don't know how I can thank you."

[Patriotic music begins in background... flag background comes up behind News Fairy.]

Fairy: "There is only ONE way: read that news! Skip no articles, read each and every one, from beginning to end. It may be tempting to hit that 'n' key, but remember: news-reading isn't just fun and exciting, it's every proud American's duty!!"

[Music reaches a dizzying crescendo, and dies off as News Fairy exits.]

Dave: "Well, I hope we all learned an important lesson here today. I want everyone on the staff to hit those terminals right now, until EVERY PIECE OF NEWS ON THE NET HAS BEEN READ!!! This world hangs in the balance, and only we can save it. Read that net-news!!"

Paul: "Look, Dave! Patch 435 for Perl! What a find!!"

Sid: "A flame war in rec.arts.startrek... I hit the jackpot!"

Will: "Wow, a test post to rec.short.white.guys from Paul Williams! With seven .signatures, each one ten lines long! God, I only hope I can be this lucky EVERY time I read net-news..."

Paul: "Wow, Dan's raving about pty again.. I can't get ENOUGH of that!!!"

Dave: "And look, a touching piece of verse about the air-speed of a swallow... I will have to save that for someone special! Let's not forgot what we learned here today. Every one of us can promote good in the universe by reading net-news!"

[scene closes with a short video montage of mom, apple pie, and Lee Iacocca]

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