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PRE-FLIGHT SHPIEL (Jonathan Bines)
(original, chuckle)

My dad just bought a small, single-engine plane. Here's a pre-flight shpiel I wrote for him to read to his terrified passengers:

Welcome aboard [insert pilot's name] Airlines flight 0001 departing [insert airfield] en route, with any luck at all, to [insert destination]. Please make sure your seatbelt is on and that your seat is securely fastened to the fuselage. At this time, any personal items should be stowed securely in the trunk of your car, since there is no overhead compartment or space beneath your seat, to speak of. Please turn off all portable electronic devices, and keep them off until we have landed safely, or for the duration of the flight, whichever comes first. Smoking is not permitted inside the cabin; smoking outside the cabin should be reported to the captain immediately. There is no beverage service during the flight, however, heavy drinking prior to takeoff is encouraged. In-flight entertainment will consist of watching the pilot's desperate struggle to control the plane. We'll be flying at an altitude of __[insert altitude]___ feet today, in theory; should the plane's altitude drop precipitously, please check to ensure that the pilot is awake and in an upright position. Lavatories are located at either end of the flight. As we prepare for takeoff, please take this opportunity to locate the exit nearest you and, if you have any sense at all, avail yourself of it before it's too late. In a moment, the pilot will begin handing out the release forms in preparation for takeoff. Be assured that in all his time aloft, Pilot [insert pilot's name] has never lost a passenger; however, your results may vary. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight.

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