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New Top Tips! (Ian Williams)
(smirk, swearing, scatalogical, sexual, forwarded)

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.

Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender,with the simple inscription "Same to you."

Why pay ?100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for ?25 and fill it with all your shite. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

GENTLEMAN. Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.

Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.

MICRA DRIVERS. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like fucking dodgem cars, so may as well look like one.

Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

ANGLERS. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net,but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

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