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More from the True News Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the true news file.  These are jokes
which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately.  I post
such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it.  Particularly
selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to
killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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From: (David R. Brandt)
Organization: New York State Insurance Fund
Subject: Tough choice

Headline in 11/17/97 Info World: "More Explorer 4.0 bugs affect 
images, text, and font files".
   Hmm.  So I can either use Netscape or just avoid any websites that 
use images, text or fonts.

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From: (CWatters)
Subject: Lost Web site

From the London Times Newspaper 20th November 1997....

Lost Web site

An elderly couple drove nearly 100 miles from Portsmouth to
BBC Thames Valley Radio in Caversham, Berkshire, to visit
their local Web site. They had seen an advert inviting them
to visit the BBC Web site, and had imagined it was a building.

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From: (John Atkinson)
Subject: Constable picture wins award

The Turner Prize for 1997, and 20,000 UK pounds,
has been won by a video described by one art
critic as 'mesmerising.' Twenty-six uniformed
policemen and women stare, silent and immobile,
into the camera for 60 minutes. Stern, blank faces
gaze unflinchingly into the camera. With tension
mounting, there is suddenly a sound, a slight
movement among the posed ranks. An unseen shuffling
of feet is heard, growing steadily. Suddenly, the
officer at the end screams. According to the
"artist", Miss Gillian Wearing, 34, her film
reflects the role of the pilice in society today.

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From: (Donovan K. Loucks)
Subject: Fortune Cookie Koan

I was never the sort to save fortune cookie fortunes, until I came across
the following two in a single cookie back on January 30, 1994:

   There is yet time enough for you to take a different path.

   Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned.

I guess it's one of them "koan" things...

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From: (Petter Sandvik)
Organization: Finnish Macintosh User Group (fiMUG ry)
Subject: Microsoft and Mac

Microsoft ships Internet Explorer 2.0,
bringing ease of use, performance and
excitement to the Macintosh platform.


(quoted from MacAddict, September 1996)

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From: (Paul Bartlett)
Subject: Big news from NASA

This is the part of the subject that appeared on an emailed press release
from NASA:
	"NASA Software Clearly Displays Breast"

I know I'm overjoyed.
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From: (G C R URBAN)
Subject: How appropriate...

Newsreader on the ITN Early Evening News, Monday, December 1, 1997:

"The UN conference on climate change opened in
Japan today with a heated debate."

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Jeff Spirko)
Subject: Oh, so that's how it's done.

A headline on CNN Interactive on 4 Dec 1997 reads:

  Dow higher, helped by drugs

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
Subject: Cyber Promotions Just Doesn't Get It

A headline on the Dec 1. issue of Inter@ctive week reads:

"Spammers Build Backbone Of Their Own"

I always knew they were spineless, but I doubt this is going
to help.

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From: (Ryjhan)
Organization: AOL (
Subject: About car quality...

True Story.

Recently a friend of mine had his car broken into.  The only thing stolen was
his $300 car alarm.

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From: (Evan McLain)
Subject: Well isn't that convenient?

Seen in a Dillard's department store:

	For Your Convenience, An 
	Elevator is Located in China

They call that convenient?

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From: (Lieven De Samblanx)
Subject: joke submission

Begin december, my wife received an e-mail message saying :

Dear customer

[cut rest of the message]

PS : Please contact us if you didn't receive this message

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From: (Sam)
Organization: Ye 'Ol Disorganized NNTPCache groupie
Subject: Going to China

My husband and I were walking around the linen department in a nearly
deserted department store, after Christmas, when we saw the following
notice propped against a counter:

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From: (Alex Holden)
Subject: A true telephone conversation

I heard a flustered customer service assistant on the phone during last
Christmas.  He was asked if he could see the Santa Claus who was greeting
children when walking into the store.

He said, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

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From: ibrahim@voyager0.Stanford.EDU (Nabeel Ibrahim)
Subject: The truth hurts...

Driving through Delphi, Indiana, I passed a Taco Bell which was advertising
its late night employment opportunities.  Presumably, the sign should have

"Now hiring full-time closers"

One (apparently) honest person, though, had removed the "c".

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From: (Benveniste, Mike)
Subject: Fuddruckers

At two of the local Fuddruckers restaurants, the have a poster showing
a picture of a "perfect" hamburger.  On the poster are the words:
"By the people" and "For the people."

Having recently reread the Gettysburg Address, I'm quite sure I don't
want to know the ingredients of their burgers.

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From: (David Bibb)
Subject: Interesting Army Screen Saver

My co-worker is retired from the Army.  He just installed a very nice
screen saver advertising the Army and giving a number of photographs of
various equipment with troops posed in and around them.  The climax of the
show is an eagle with the words:  Strength, Honor, Integrity, Pride.  I
think there is a Navy mole in the screen saver programming unit as the
acronym is S. H. I. P.

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Alan Green)
Subject: Defensive (about your) Driving

True story:

We were out driving in the worst rain we had had for at least a year. My
wife was so busy looking this way and that for other cars at an
intersection that she didn't notice a "STOP" sign. 

When I commented, she said "Look, it was a rolling stop, OK?"

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From: (AZ)
Organization: AZ
Subject: Yet another Clinton-Lewinsky item

A personal ad from the Jewish Bulletin of Northern California, February
6, 1998:

Clinton-like guy seeks his Monica Lewinsky.  Let's lie together.  Age
gap need not be so extreme....

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (m. allen adams jr. :o-)
Subject: Charitable Contributions

Heard on the radio today:

On an ad for a concert event the station will be hosting:
"It's free to get in, and proceeds benefit St. Jude's Children's Research."

Guess they have their priorities straight.

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (David Bibb)
Subject: How to make the best of a bad situation...

The local Dollar Tree [a store where everything costs $1.00] recently had 
a driver drive into the front of the shop causing quite a bit of damage.
The manager posted the following sign:

After Crash Sale in progress
All items $1.00
Please leave your car in the packing lot
Thank you,
Stressed out manager

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Peter Burka)
Subject: Snowboarding tenants

Seen in a real-estate ad on

This is a real ad!


        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Philip N. Gross)
Subject: Savvy investment advice...

Two adjacent headlines from on Thursday, March 12, 1998:

The sky's the limit for stocks -- Bullish investors push major market
indexes to fresh records 

Gullible investors targeted -- Beware of brokers with big promises who
pressure you to buy stocks 

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
Organization: Boston University
From: (ampenna
Subject: Humorous flight attendant announcements

As an addendum to your posting of comments on humorous flight attendant
announcements, I heard the following on a Southwest Airlines flight from
Indianapolis to Louisville, KY:

"In the event of a water landing, yeah, right..."

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From: pjh@ipsalab.Tor.Soliton.COM (Henderson, Peter J.)
Organization: Soliton Associates Limited
Subject: I am not a crook.

From the article "REUTERGATE II" (The European Weekly, no 408, 
16-22 March 1998) whichdescribes a lawsuit filed against Reuters 
America under the U.S. "RICO" (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt 
Organizations) laws by a software manufacturer who claims that 
Reuters unlawfully distributed pirated copies of its software to 
various Reuters offices:

    "Reuters believes there is no basis for ... RICO, fraud or 
     similar claims against Reuters in a federal court in New 
     York," said Robert Crooke, a Reuters Spokesman. 

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Scott Riegelhaupt-Herzig)
Subject: TV language filters...

From the Contra Costa (California) Times  column "As Seen on TV" by
Chuck Barney (on March 31, 1998):

True story:  There's a new device for TV sets that will filter out
coarse language.  Before they could make it work, though, they had to
get it to understand the subtleties of the English language.  It kept
converting "The Dick Van Dyke Show" into "jerk Van gay."

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
Organization: Matzo Ball Critics of Canada
From: (Dan Saraga)
Subject: they need help

Heard this on CHEX, Peterborough and Durham's local news show:

"The Optimists Club will be having an indoor garage sale this 

Not too positive about the weather, are they?

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From: (Eduardo Subelman)
Organization: Citicorp Development Center
Subject: Seen on an election poster

As seen on an election poster in West Los Angeles:

Elect Eisner
for Bored of Equalization.

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From: (Gwen Neufeld)
Subject: truckin'

Saw on a extended cab semi this morning on the freeway:

Dad's Pad when Mom's mad

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From: (Dr. Stuart Savory)
Organization: Siemens Nixdorf Informationssysteme AG Paderborn, Germany
Subject: Hong Kong's new airport

Seen on a roadside billboard in Hong Kong last week:

"Come to the opening of Hong Kong's new airport: 
Our stewardesses invite you to Chek Lap Kok and come flying with them"

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Matthew S. Staben)
Subject: Social Security Office Blues

The other day, I saw at the local branch of the Social Security 
Administration a sign, obviously mass-produced for distribution to all 
branches, placed conspiciously above the security guard.

"It is a federal offense to kill ... a federal employee while carrying out
their duties." 

Like I need to be told.

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From: (Vicki)
Subject: Bumper Sticker of the Day

Seen on a bumper sticker today in the Seattle area:

            WINDOWS 98
So good the Feds want to make it illegal!

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Judah Kelber)
Subject: Advanced math

Seen the week before finals on the chalkboard right after a Math 233
(Discrete Math) class at the University of Oregon:

59 + 34 + 2 + 37 + 97 = some number

And here I thought math classes were hard....

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From: (Chris Carline)
Subject: Yet another 'Bill' joke...

Heard this one on the BBC Radio 1 Breakfast show, during their daily
competition 'Headline Makers'. The aim is to send in funny newspaper headlines
regarding current news stories, which are set by the presenters each day. 

I can't remember the name of the person who sent this one in, but it was
regarding headlines about the latest Bill Clinton 'revelations'.

"One Yank and it's All Over the Papers".

It won, by the way :)

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Tony Lima)
Organization: Nope, none
Subject: The Apple Falls Far From The Tree

From the San Jose Mercury-News March 18, p. A2:

  "Singer Fiona Apple - wierdo American?
  You decide.
  According to Us magazine: 'She believes that spiders drop
down in front of her when she is sad.  She won't use old
bottles of shampoo because the smell reminds her of the
past.  (And) she thinks that paper clips follow her wherever
she goes, especially pink ones.' "

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Edoardo S Biagioni)
Organization: University of Hawaii
Subject: Re: Are you insane???

From the man page for "chat" on RedHat Linux:

       The  chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU
       public license. If it breaks then you  get  to  keep  both

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: claird@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (Cameron Laird)
Organization: NeoSoft Internet Access (+1 888 NEOSOFT)
Subject: 'Makes sense to me.

Recently received job posting:

  Several openings in Houston, Austin  and Boston for
  large software company. Salaries commiserate with

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Leonard D. Woren)
Subject: My Pet Dinosaur Might Run Away

At the entrance to the Redwood Trading Post in Redwood City, California
there is a sign which states:

     Please leave your food, drink, pets, dinosaurs,
     and whining mates outside.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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