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More from the True News Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are jokes
which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post
such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly
selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to
killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Dan Duncan)
>Subject: REAL computer security

I was FTPing some files today. The site came up
in my search, and their FTP login message states:

>Illegal use of this system will be punished to the fullest extent allowed
>by international law. Violators will be put to death when and where
>permitted by local statutes.

I'll be sure to abide by their rules while I'm there.

= = = = = = =
>From: (David Utter)
>Subject: To Tell The Truth

This is taken verbatim from USA Today, 4/10/97, page 11A:

DELAWARE: A state lawmaker is pushing a bill to make lying to the
General Assembly a felony. Legislators would be exempt from the law
under the state constitution.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Bolles, John)
>Subject: Tomorrow the Universe!

We laughed and had to pass it on. This came from the Virgin Islands News,
Tuesday, March 25, 1997.

Miss Virgin Islands says she'll win

Vanian Thomas, the newly-crowned Miss U.S. Virgin Islands says, "We are going
to Miss Universe, and we are going to win the crown." The public
information director of the VI's PBS-affiliate, Miss Thomas won her title
last earlier this month at Marriott's Frenchman's Reef Beach Resort. She
was one of two contestants in the pageant.

= = = = = = =
>From: (David Hinerman)
>Organization: Microcom Corp. Westerville OH
>Subject: You can't win

True - names withheld to protect the (ahem) innocent?

A couple of years ago I was invited to volunteer to work with the
youth programs at a large evangelical church. Because of the tight
security requirements, I had to sign a release form giving permission
to have a background check done on me. I also had to fill out an
application form that asked a number of very personal questions. This
wasn't a problem, since I had nothing to hide, until I got to the
following question:

"Have you ever been [cured] of sexual immorality?"

How can you possily answer that one the right way?

= = = = = = =
>From: (Edward W.Y. Ho)
>Subject: Future Dan Quayle

Heard this yesterday night on the news:

A nameless sentor on the floor arguing against a bill said:

"This bill is phony with a capital F."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jon Levy)
>Subject: And not a moment too soon!

Headline from (whose news is provided by UPI, although I
don't know for sure who writes the headlines):

Microsoft's Gates gives to Chi. skuls

= = = = = = =
>From: MNHCC@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (Marty Helgesen)
>Subject: Editorial comment?

I went to the Music Library at the college where I work. It recently
acquired a Mac for student use. The screen has two icons: "Classical
composers" and "Trash"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Peter T. Kolesar)
>Organization: Dept. of Geology - Utah State University
>Subject: What's wrong with this sign?

Our campus recently had an "Awareness Fair" to increase our
consideration of persons with disabilities. A large banner posted
at the main entrance to the student center read:

Persons With Disabilities
Upstairs Upstairs

Go figure.

= = = = = = =
>From: (G. Shivakumar)
>Subject: Attention EveryONE

>From a posting to all in our system

Subject: Lost and Found

If anyone has lost a bracelet, please me.

= = = = = = =
>From: (~PrimeTime~)
>Organization: ~PrimeTime~
>Subject: Bumper Stickers!

There is a little Mercedes 280 SL in Toronto being driven by a gorgeous
blonde and the plate reads:


= = = = = = =
>From: (jere7my tho?rpe)
>Subject: For want of a '

The big directory sign hanging above aisle 7 of the local Pathmark


No kiddin'.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Harry P Bloomberg)
>Subject: Improving customer service

Seen on a sign outside a suburban Pittsburgh resturant undergoing

"To serve you better, we're enlarging our Hooters!"

= = = = = = =
>From: (Curt van den Heuvel)
>Subject: Poor Choice of Words

Seen on a local news show in Kansas City.

Commenting on a fire department member arrested for soliciting a prostitute
in Kansas City, a fire department spokesman described it as "...a blow to
the entire department." One can only imagine how the news anchor managed to
keep his composure.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Sanjeev Trivedi)
>Subject: Intelligent Engines

Recently CNN has launched a "Custom News" service which is supposed to help
you weed out the news you prefer and save you some browsing time.

Of course they have the state-of-the-art ORACLE backing the entire process
of filtering, sorting and searching.

In my news page today in the "Home : Gardening " section the headline

** Sampras Leads Field at Stella Artois Grass Court Championships **

So much for the new generation engines.

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Do they match?

Sent to me by a friend (who got it from a friend, who got it from a
friend. You get the general idea...)

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the
back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not
complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare
the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Alan Liu)
>Subject: Bathroom humor

Seen scribbled on the wall above the urinals in one of the Men's room
at the former Raffles Junior College campus in Singapore (many years
ago). My guess is some frustrated janitor penned it.

"We aim to please,
You aim too, please."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Ian (aka: PCR))
>Subject: Knee Slapper.

While driving to work daily, I pass by a tree farm called Van Dongen's.
They recently changed their billboard to "FREE SHADE WITH EVERY PURCHASE."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Allan Koh)
>Subject: topical chuckle

Found inside a fortune cookie ...

"You will receive a fortune. (cookie)"

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Freely worded description (fwd)

I'm have been working with a database from the INSTITUTE FOR THE STUDY
OF SECURITY MARKETS, a financial database. There is a field in the
database that contains, according to the documentation, a
"freely worded description"

The field is 16 characters long.

= = = = = = =
>From: (jonathan x)
>Subject: bumper sticker

seen on a black trans am:

let go of my ears. i know what i'm doing.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Frederick W. Wheeler)
>Subject: Retail Juxtaposition

This is true. I wonder if it was planned?

If you ever get a chance to shop at Crossgates Mall, in Albany,
New York, USA, you'll notice that Hooters is near Dick's Sporting
Goods. Even more amusing is that just below Dick's is the Wiz
(Nobody Beats the Wiz).

= = = = = = =
>From: claird@Starbase.NeoSoft.COM (Cameron Laird)
>Organization: NeoSoft Internet Access (+1 888 NEOSOFT)
>Subject: Anti-Bill-ism

>From advertising brochure DataLynx, Inc. ("SECURITY THROUGH
STRENGTH") surface-mailed me in July 1997:

Firewalls don't know the difference between
a virus, a Trojan Horse, or Windows NT.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Tom Baldwin)
>Organization: Internet Way
>Subject: Were They All Holding Hands?

While editing a friend's autobiography I came across:

"One night they were working on a show and uncle Percy was
electrocuted by accident. It must have been a great shock for all

= = = = = = =
>From: (Mr. Mike Wallis)
>Subject: Diet Lemonade?

Found on a bottle of (non-diet) lemonade:

"Low Calorie Soft Drink, With Added Sugar & Sweetners."

= = = = = = =
>From: (DaveW)
>Organization: SlipNet
>Subject: Bumper Sticker

Seen recently on a bumper sticker in funny California:

"HONK if you're Illiterate."

= = = = = = =
>From: (Jonathan Ganz)
>Subject: strange but true?

A colleague sent this to me. I don't know if it's true.

> A strange but true fact:
> The first episode of "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the highest rated
> American program in the history of Korean television.
> "chachi" is Korean for "penis"

But, I'm not sure I want to know what Joanie means.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Dave Close)
>Organization: Compata, Costa Mesa, California
>Subject: I did not know that..

[Fiber optics is] "a faster, more reliable system that
transmits telephone calls and data at the speed of
light (186,000 miles per hour) compared to copper wire
lines that transport information at the speed of sound
(30,000 feet per second)."

- Costa Mesa/Newport Beach (California) Daily Pilot
front page, 1997 July 29

= = = = = = =
>From: (Tim Collins)
>Organization: University of Birmingham
>Subject: Watts in a name ?

>From the Brighton Evening Argus :

Brighton and Hove district council have ruled that a recently opened
video store must change its facia. The present shop sign, in block
capitals, reads "TOP FLICKS" in daylight, but when its neon is
switched on after dark the "L" and "I" run together, upsetting many
local residents.

(source - Alan Coren, BBC Radio 4, The News Quiz)

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Beat the Rush

Seen on a roadside sign, in late July:

"Beat the Christmas Rush, Come to Church on Sunday"

= = = = = = =
>From: (sheattle)
>Subject: A sign of the times

I was driving through Seattle, when I saw a homeless guy with one leg sitting on a street corner holding a sign which said, "I'm broke."

= = = = = = =
>From: (John Colville)
>Subject: Who chose the music?

As the politicians entered the New South Wales Parliament yesterday
during the official opening ceremony for the Spring Session,
the band played "Send in the Clowns."

= = = = = = =
>From: null@CYBERNEX.NET (Mark Neidorff)
>Subject: Why Internet users don't watch TV.

Seen on an highway billboard:

Humans use 10% of their brain.
We think that is too much.


= = = = = = =
>From: (Deanna K.G. Ferrante)
>Subject: Janet Reno, you sly dog!

Headline seen on October 3, 1997 CNN online:

"Reno To Extend Gore Probe"

<Good luck, Janet!>

= = = = = = =
>From: (Aria Nosratinia)
>Subject: Good old days

[Seen on a bumper sticker]

It was so nice when the windows were washed, the mice were trapped, and
UNIX tended the harem.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Keith E. Sullivan)
>Organization: Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List
>Subject: Original True Story

I received two CD StrongBoxes in the mail the other day as a promotional
gift. Their ad touted them as being "Unbreakable replacement jewel
cases for CD or CD-ROM discs." They were mailed in a padded envelope??

= = = = = = =
>Subject: Stupid Headlines

Newspapers sometimes mirror society.

"Lack of brains hinders research." The Columbus Dispatch.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Charles Eutsler)
>Organization: @Home Network
>Subject: Fortune cookie say...

The fortune cookie I got today told me "IF YOU WANT
SOMETHING, YOU MUST EARN IT." This was followed by six
numbers which apparently are going to win the lottery
for me.

= = = = = = =
>From: (Harland Maxwell)
>Subject: Sounds like a good idea

My newsreader just informed me of a new group:

I guess the group was getting out of control.

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