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My letter to Percy Ross (John Bigger)

Do you know who Percy Ross is? He's the syndicated columnist with millions
of bucks who gives money away to those who write credible pleas for it.
Well, I figured I'd test him to see what would happen, so I wrote the
following letter:

Dear Mr. Ross,

     As I write this letter, I struggle to contain the agony and anguish
caused by the searing pain emanating from the bloodied stumps which once
functioned as my legs. You see, Mr. Ross, I am a wood mill worker by trade
and an avid jogger by choice. In my vain attempt to combine my
logger/jogger lifestyles, I sustained great injury.
     One day while performing some lathe work, I decided that, by
incorporating my hobby into the workplace, I could enjoy the best of both
worlds. As I glanced about the room, I noticed a large belt-sander
apparatus which apparently had not been used for quite some time.
Considering the fact that a great deal of my manhours are spent using a
belt-sander to perfect the surfaces of various wood products, I decided
that this would be the ideal instrument with which to conglomerate my
activites. However, as I soon discovered, I was tragically mistaken. With
lumber in hand, I climbed onto the belt-sander, turned on the power and
commenced sanding while jogging. Much to my chagrin, I discovered why this
particular belt-sander had been abandoned. It seems that, after a prolonged
period of use, the rate of speed by which the sander moves increases
considerably. Because of said change in inertia, the machine's belt
suddenly knocked me down and quickly transported my hapless piece of lumber
and me toward the rotating gears which waited in anticipation of my arrival
and subsequent demise.
     So, Mr. Ross, I write to you pleading for the funds I so desperately
need to repair my limbs. The cost of said nub reconstruction is $203.43
(plus tax). I wait anxiously for your reply.

                                   John C. Bigger

Well, yesterday when I got home, I found an overnight mail package that my
wife had retreived from the apartment office. It was from Percy. He wrote
"Dear Mr. Bigger, Thank you for your letter to the Thanks a Million
Foundation. I bet you're reading this wondering if I believe your story.
Well, I don't. But I am enclosing $200.00 for you to enroll in a creative
writing course. I think you would do well. - Percy."  He included four
fifty dollar bills.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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