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Football violence (Keith Evans)
(smirk, swearing, scatological, heard it)

Heard on a bus while touring Europe. Originally told by a known British
comedian, but I don't know his name.

Game day arrives in Glasgow, Scotland, and everyone's gearing up for the
big showdown between the Rangers and the Celtics.

Seems this Ranger fan goes to have a few pints before the game and, in his
befuddled state, ends up in the wrong end of the stadium. Poor chap's
wearing his colours and he's surrounded by Celtics fans who are giving him
the evil eye.

Too late! He's in too deep and figures the best thing he can do is try and
wait 'til the game's over and make a quiet exit. The game starts and boom,
boom! 2 goals for the Rangers! The Celtics fans are grumbling and staring
long and hard at the enemy in their midst. Finally, one of the biggest of
the lot calls over to him.

"Oi! Go get me a bottle!"

At last, he can get away! "Ah, no, no, no... Don't be runnin' off! Leave
one of your shoes!"

Well, he doesn't have much choice, so he gets the bottle, comes back and
goes to put on his shoe, but there's a rather large turd sitting in it.

"Put. It. On." comes the command.

<Squish!> ('Ha ha ha!')

Half time comes and goes and the 2nd half starts the same way. Boom, boom!
4-0! It's a wash-out, and he's really getting evil stares now!

"Oi! Go get me another bottle! And leave your other shoe!"

Well, he comes back and finds a similar situation.

<Squish!> ('Ha ha ha!')

The game finally ends and our hero makes his way home feeling rather sorry
for himself. On his way out, he bumps into a BBC camera crew who are
interviewing people about football violence in general.

"Excuse me, sir? We're here asking people if they feel football violence is
still a problem today, since today's game seemed fairly calm in the stands.
The fans were quite well-behaved, and we were wondering if you had any
comments on the issue?"

It's all too much for him, and he grabs the microphone and screams, "Oi!
You're bloody right I do!" He stares directly into the camera. "Football
violence", he starts, "will never end in this country, so long as they are
shittin' in our shoes, and we're pissin' in their bottles!!"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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