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The Rules for Guys (Satire on "The Rules") (Brad Templeton)
(topical, original, sexual stereotypes, smirk)

High on the bestseller lists recently is a book called "The Rules" a guide
to dating and courting for women that effectively advocates women, in order
to snag a man, follow a sexist and manipulative dating game based on the
principles of 50 years ago.  (Except that back then, the guys knew the
women were playing this game and accounted for it.)

What follows in the same vein is a counterpart, "The Rules for Guys."

First, if you're not familiar with the book "The Rules" here is a summary
of "The Rules" in the book, which you need to know to understand the

	1. Be a "creature unlike any other."
	2. Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance).
	3. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date.
	4. Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls.
	5. Always end phone calls first.
	6. Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
	7. Always end the date first.
	8. Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your
	birthday or Valentines day.
	9. Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
	10. No more than casual kissing on the first date.
	11. Don't tell him what to do.
	12. Don't expect a man to change or try to change him.
	13. Don't open up too fast.
	14. Don't date a married man.
	15. Be easy to live with.
	16. Don't stare at men or talk too much.
	17. Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment).
	18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules.
	19. Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!
	20. Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school.
	21. Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college.
	22. Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection.
	23. Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist.
	24. Don't break the Rules.
	25. Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after.
	26. Love only those who love you.

	by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

----------------------- The Rules for Guys --------------------
	      by Elliot Feign and Sherman Schagged'er

1. Be a "creature unlike any other."

	However, in particular think in terms of "The Creature from
	the Black Lagoon" (Universal 1954), a dark monster that conquers
	her.  Beauty and the Beast.  Chicks love that shit.

2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.)

	She only wants to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway.
	So take her dancing.  They go nuts for this.  Learn enough to
	get by and look cool, though you won't need it much after you
	have her hooked.  In the meantime you can flirt with the other
	girls on the dance floor.

3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind.

	Buy her a nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in
	exchange for the meal.  In addition, if you buy her a fancy
	schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy place, she won't be able
	to turn down your request for a $300 "loan" until you can
	"get to the cash machine."  Good investment.

4. Don't call her after sex.

	Make her wait a few days.  Girls do this stare at the phone
	thing, makes them all anticipatory.  Don't give them what they
	want.  Call her in a couple of days or if you get horny again.
	Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she
	hasn't had an orgasm yet.  You did a lot of work and you're
	tired, and you have important work to do tomorrow.

5. Always end phone calls first.

	Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do
	this, you won't have to worry about long phone calls.   I mean
	girls can yak so long on the phone.

6. Don't give her any warning about a date.

	Make sure she stays free all the time in case you call.  And
	more to the point, keep yourself free in case something comes
	up elsewhere, if you know what I mean.  If you call and she's
	not available, act real hurt, make it seem like you will end
	the relationship if she does this a lot.

7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.)

	You like long walks on the beach.  You love kids.  You like to
	cook.  You're looking to settle down in a country home with that
	one special girl.  You love horses, paris, chick movies, sushi
	and Meryl Streep.  You support her goals.  Tell her you're rich,
	famous, whatever.  She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones
	eventually but if you play this right you'll get laid first
	and have her captured.  Don't be scared to eventually talk
	to her about "the relationship" -- girls go for this.  Just
	be sure not to believe it yourself.

8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date.

	Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the
	hint with gentle physical contact.  It is nice to date easy
	chicks and all and get laid on the first date, but some of
	the hottest ones like to wait a date.  However, if she doesn't
	at least give you a blowjob by date #2, #3 at the latest, there
	are better investments out there.  On date #3, remind her of
	the "third date rule."

9. Tell her you love her.

	This is the big corallary of rule #7.  Don't do it right away
	but definitely do it if she's showing reluctance on that
	blowjob.  Practice saying it like you mean it.  As the old
	saying goes, "Sincerity is everything.  If you can fake that you've
	got it made."

10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date.

	Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous
	or something.  Make sure that you never let yourself get tied

11. Tell her what to do.

	Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated.  So make all the
	decisions and see how she goes for it.  If so, you can probably
	get this to continue in the bedroom.  No girl is perfect, but
	most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you
	have to fit your needs.

12. Be the bad boy.

	Girls love the "bad boy."  They hope they can "reform" him, or
	they're a case of point #11 above.  Either way, you can be as
	bad as you like.  Treat her like she doesn't exist.  Be
	mysterious.  Dangerous.  Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle
	jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai.  (Park the Hyundai somewhere
	else and walk to where you meet her, though.)  Remember, nice guys
	don't get laid.

13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you.

	Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate."  But
	later, if you break up, she might try and get back at you so
	for crissake don't let her know anything she could use or
	spread to others.  Invent deep intimate stuff you can tell her
	in bed, she'll go for it.  If you can't think up your own, buy
	one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't believe it's
	not butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those guys.
	(God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon
	over him?  Something strange going on here.)

14. Don't tell her you're married!

	For some reason they get really upset.  When you take off your
	ring, get some tanning lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp
	to make sure it's not visible where you took it off.   Or tell
	your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some sort
	of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident.  Anyway even
	the ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date
	married guys so don't let her (or your wife) know.

15. Be a pain to live with.

	Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder
	to be yourself.  If you shack up, don't alter your own life
	just to make it easier for her.   One exception, which is
	admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat
	down after you take a wizz.  She sees that and she'll think she's
	found god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better sex
	than a $300 hooker.  Compare -- 5 seconds of your time each
	day to put down the seat vs. $300 blowjob.   No brainer!

16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'.

	For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their
	tits when we talk to them.  And they don't like us staring
	at other girls' either.  As if we have a choice!  Anyway,
	they're watching for this so don't get caught.  Check their
	eyes, then do your looking.

17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment.

	Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her
	for very regular nookie.  Otherwise they might try to insinuate
	themselves into your life before you are sure of this.

18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around.

	I mean, do they own you or something?  This rule is the most

19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts!

	Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous.

20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her
a fake ring.

	Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married
	to her, but don't actually do it.  You can even get engaged
	if you want to lock in some regular pussy.  There's no law
	that says you actually have to follow through with the
	ceremony.  Plus, it takes an expert to tell cubic zirconia from
	a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly
	doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway.  You can get one
	of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll get a fuck
	worth far more than that out of it.

21. Double check the birth control.

	There's a trade off here.   On one hand you don't want to use
	condoms, so get her on the pill ASAP.  On the other hand if
	she runs the birth control she might blindside you with something
	annoying like a kid just to hook you.   You decide.  If she
	gets pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys.
	(It alters your blood type.)

22. Don't discuss _The Rules for Guys_ with girls.

	Like I need to explain this one to you?  Do they explain their
	rules to us?  Thought not.

22a.  Don't discuss _The Rules for Guys_ with your therapist.

	Because if you have a therapist you've really missed the point
	of _The Rules for Guys_.

23. Figure out her romantic dream.

	Almost all girls have one.  In 90% of cases it's the knight
	in shining armour, the handsome prince or the tall, dark
	and handsome mysterious stranger.  Harlequin Romances isn't
	exactly growing broke selling girls books about how a guy
	comes into the girl's life and does something as simple as
	fixing her car to make her life right and sweeps her off
	her feet.  You would be amazed at the "mileage" you can get
	just by taking her car down to the shop.  Though if you can
	find a good mechanic, let me know, OK?  Anyway, subtly
	find out her own personal romantic dream, and play-act it.
	On the cheap, of course -- you only have to play-act.  While
	she may dream of a billionaire who whisks her away to his
	ranch in his jet, she'll settle for a $60 rental limo and
	a $40 1-hour rental horseback ride.

24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules.

	Hey, Burger King said it best.  And it's a great place for a
	cheap date (use $4 from the $300 she "lent" you.)  But in this
	case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules.

25. Do "The Rules" girls.  Yes, you can!
	If you suspect that some really attractive girl is following
	"The Rules" for girls, take heart.  I mean if she's a dog,
	lose her.  But if she's got a great set or you have some other
	reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact game
	and can use it to get her.  The book tells these girls to
	follow its rules religiously, even when they don't make sense.
	You will have to wait 6 dates, but the authors do tell girls
	over 30 it's OK to have sex, so they will.  Forget young "The
	Rules" girls unless you are really keen on virgin-plucking.  You
	only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date them Friday then
	you are free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls and dates;
	they won't call you when you have other girls over -- a lot of
	advantages, and as long as you see past all the manipulative
	"hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled, just laid.

	First, you have to check if she's a "The Rules" girl or just
	a stuck-up bitch.  Sometimes it can be hard to differentiate
	them.  Test this by first telling her how much you admire
	a girl who sticks to her principles, and then call her
	Thursday telling her you just got front-row Orchestra
	seats to the Boston Pops (a classical musical group) concert
	on Friday.  If she says yes she's the stuck-up bitch.  Say,
	"Did I say Boston Pops?  I meant Iggy Pop!" and dump her.

	If she says a reluctant no, she's a "The Rules" girl.  The book
	tells them never to accept a weekend date after Wednesday.  Rush
	out to the bookstore to get a copy of "The Rules."  You'll find it
	in the dating/relationships section.  Since you've never gone
	near it before ask at the cashier's desk.  When you get there
	you'll know why you've never been to this section before from
	the titles of the books.  "Venus and Mars Together Forever."
	"Men who hate women and the women who love them too much."  Like
	Dave Barry says I am not making this up.  You're the only guy
	in weeks to go to this section other than to laugh at the titles,
	so if you're lucky some chick might even hit on you.  But if
	not, go buy the book, and then read it.  It's short.
	Now you'll know her exact game.  Problem is, as noted, it will
	be 6 weeks until you get laid.  Be sure you have something else
	on the side during those six weeks.  But look at the advantages.  
	Other than those noted above, you'll learn that she won't bring
	up crap like "marriage" or "kids" or "the relationship."  She
	expects you to bring these things up.  Soon the book will tell
	her to dump you.  Track this, and make sure to start dating
	another "The Rules" girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before
	the breakup if you can time it right.

26. Do _The Rules For Guys_ and you'll get laid.

	Don't forget this.  You may be tempted to break them, to be
	"nice" or "sensitive" or even listen to her.  But everybody
	knows that nice guys don't get laid.  You want to be nice
	or in the sack?  I thought so.

(A satire by Brad Templeton, who in reality thinks both sets of rules
are silly, even though they've been known to work, and that Men are
from Earth and Women are from Earth too.  It's quick-fix relationship
books that are from other planets.)

The Rules for Guys is also available at:
Please link, don't put you own copies up on the web.

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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