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More from the True News Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the true news file.  These are jokes
which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately.  I post
such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it.  Particularly
selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to
killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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From: (Chris Boothroyd)
Subject: Dangerous condoms

Advertised on a condom machine in the Tennants Arms, Kilnsey, Yorkshire:

  "Malt Whiskey flavoured condoms"

and in the small print at the bottom

  "Do not drive while using this product"

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From: (Gwen Neufeld)
Subject: watch the grammar

The following was from Reuters Sep 23, 1996 regarding a scurmish 
between the IRA and British Police:

LONDON-(snip)The dead man was wounded in a shoot-out as police
officers arrested him and five other suspects.(snip)

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From: john@ERA.COM (John E Hein)
Subject: funny news clip... this too can be fixed

With the upcoming baseball playoffs in mind, here's an excerpt from
 Point-Counterpoint on the baseball page in today's (9/26/96) Washington
 Post Sports section (at least my edition at home)...


"...closer Randy Myers has complained that his
    Johnson changed his role and hurt his confidence."

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From: (Roy Gal)
Subject: hypocrisy

I was watching the TV news in LA a few days ago. David Duke was scheduled
to participate in a debate at Cal State Northridge. This of course
sparked some protests. One intelligent protester proudly held a
placard that read:

No Free Speech for Fascists

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From: (Scott Schiller x2554)
Subject: Holmgren Caught Breaking and Entering!

>Subject:      Holmgren Caught Breaking and Entering!
>To: (Green Bay Packers Discussion List)

Heard this today on "Bob and Tom" radio show.

I can't remember the name of the town, but it's a small town in
Northern Wisconsin.  At 3:30 am, a passerby saw an intruder inside
a closed convienience store.  He then notified the police.
When they arrived, they looked through the window to see the figure
standing inside the darkened store. They stormed inside the store to
arrest the intruder.

The unarmed man was a lifesize cardboard cutout of Packers coach Mike
Holmgren.  He was unarmed at the time.

No charges were filed!

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Subject: Politics and Show Business

Cinema Billboard in New Zealand (via the New Zealand Listener)

Mission Impossible
Primal Fear
Rocky Horror Show
Alliance Campaign Launch

(The Alliance are a political Party in New Zealand with somewhat 
radical policies)
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From: levinen@UMDNJ.EDU (Erik Levin)
Subject: T-shirt slogans

Two favorite T-shirt slogans:

Front: Parkers Crematorium
Back: We're hot for your body

Front: Drinking decaf is like masturbating
Back: And faking orgasm

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Subject: Stupid human tricks, part mcmdxxxxxxviiiii

From the Howie Carr show on WRKO radio in Boston:
"I called my insurance company to tell them about a cracked windshield
and the lady asked me, 'Now is that on your car, or on your house?' "

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Subject: Sing Along

I just bought a cd of surf instrumentals, and had to laugh when I read the
last page of the liner notes.

It says "Enjoy the complete Rock Instrumental Classics Collection, available
on Rhino Records: (a list of instrumental cd's follows).  Below this it says
"For a complete set of lyrics, send $1.00 to Rhino Records."

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From: (Chris Gillings)
Subject: You can't trust *anyone*!

Recently I attended the funeral of a friend. He was buried in a
lawn cemetery west of Sydney. As you drive around you pass small
signs which indicate where in the cemetery you are: "Garden of
Remembrance", "Vale of Tears" and so on. 

I wasn't quite sure what to think when I parked near this sign:

                 | "Garden of Innocence" |
                 |    (Lock your car)    |
			    || /

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From: (Rodney A. Hoiseth)
Subject: Crazy But Actual Newspaper Headlines

This is from "The Kamakura Post" November 1996  (#133), a monthly community
I am posting it with the blessings of editor, Heather Willson.

It was headed:

- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
- Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
Subject: Jury deliberations, this way ...

Credit, presumably, to the Montgomery County, MD, government.

From a sign posted on a steel door in the fourth-floor
Jury Lounge: 

   Elevator Shaft
    Do Not Enter

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From: (Burchill, Ken:   GTIS)
Subject: Psychology Tools

I was in a hardware store and I saw a display case with the sign 'Freud Tool 

I guess this is for every woman with hammer envy and for every guy who wants 
to nail just like his father.

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From: (Sarah Ross)
Subject: Express Delivery Now Available!!

True story:  

Today I received a mail-order catalog ... selling mail-order catalogs.

Okay, now I've seen it all!

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From: (William B. Spillman-Jr)
Subject: turnabout is fair play

One day, I decided to reuse one of the available disks from the pool
of previously used disks at work.  On inserting it into the computer,
I found that the disk had belonged to someone that I didn't particularly
care for, so I erased the disk and renamed it "stupid".  Some time later,
I ejected the disk.  When I finally tried to shut the computer down, I
was greeted with the message "insert the disk stupid".  There's a lesson
there somewhere.

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From: (Rocky Craig)
Subject: More Help Wanted

In the Ft. Collins  Coloradoan want ads, Thursday 30 January 1997,
under "Medical/Dental" help you can find:

	Experienced, self motivated, clean MVR, early AM and on call.


* I Swear I Am Not Making This Up

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From: (Laurie Moseley)
Subject: Student povery and prostitution

This morning I was listening to a report on BBC radio on student povery in
universities in East Anglia (roughly Norfolk, Suffolk, and parts of Essex
and Cambridgeshire). The reporter claimed that some female students were so
poor that they were turning to prostitution to make ends meet.

I suspect a deliberate mistake, but that is what the reporter said.

Laurie (Laurence) Moseley
University of Wales Swansea

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From: (Pete Grooby)
Organization: Trimble Navigation New Zealand
Subject: Boner Required

The following help wanted ad, was found in the local paper - The 
Dominion :

'Boner Required

Premiere Bacon Company, Carterton, requires a competent boner for their pork
boning room.Applicants need to have a good previous work record and a
positive atitude.'

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Smith and O'Halloran)
Organization: Chez INWAP (people, computers, cats)
Subject: Don't move stuff when you're loaded

Seen on the inside of the door to an office supply cabinet:

   To avoid personal injury and damage to cabinet,
   do not move the cabinet while in a loaded condition.

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Subject: A bit ahead of himself.

Not only did this really happen, but I suspect a high percentage of
rec.humor.funny readers saw it.

In the "Jeopardy" "Teen Tournament" on Friday Feb. 7, 1997, the last question
in the first round was to the effect  of "In Weddings, young boys called this
kind of 'Bearer' often carry a traditional item?"

The (then) leader replied, to the detriment of his score and the glee of
married men everywhere: "What are Pall Bearers?"

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Dan M. Briley)
Subject: Movie Marquee

My girlfriend and I saw these movies, listed in the following order, on a
movie marquee in Costa Mesa CA a few weeks ago:


        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
Subject: Road Emergency

[Notes:  JSO = Jacksonville Sheriff's Office; JFR = Jacksonville Fire Rescue]

One morning, a local radio station reported that a truck carrying chickens
had overturned on the expressway in Jacksonville (Florida).  Chickens were
everywhere, and the driver was apparently injured.  According to the radio
deejay, "JSO, JFR, and KFC are responding."

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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