What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Chris Boothroyd) Subject: Dangerous condoms Advertised on a condom machine in the Tennants Arms, Kilnsey, Yorkshire: "Malt Whiskey flavoured condoms" and in the small print at the bottom "Do not drive while using this product" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gwen Neufeld) Subject: watch the grammar The following was from Reuters Sep 23, 1996 regarding a scurmish between the IRA and British Police: LONDON-(snip)The dead man was wounded in a shoot-out as police officers arrested him and five other suspects.(snip) = = = = = = = From: john@ERA.COM (John E Hein) Subject: funny news clip... this too can be fixed With the upcoming baseball playoffs in mind, here's an excerpt from Point-Counterpoint on the baseball page in today's (9/26/96) Washington Post Sports section (at least my edition at home)... >Subject: HOW HAS DAVEY JOHNSON MANAGED THE ORIOLES' PITCHING STAFF? "...closer Randy Myers has complained that his Johnson changed his role and hurt his confidence." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Roy Gal) Subject: hypocrisy I was watching the TV news in LA a few days ago. David Duke was scheduled to participate in a debate at Cal State Northridge. This of course sparked some protests. One intelligent protester proudly held a placard that read: No Free Speech for Fascists = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Scott Schiller x2554) Subject: Holmgren Caught Breaking and Entering! >From: Anita <ASTRATTO@VMA.CC.ND.EDU> >Subject: Holmgren Caught Breaking and Entering! >To: email@example.com (Green Bay Packers Discussion List) Heard this today on "Bob and Tom" radio show. I can't remember the name of the town, but it's a small town in Northern Wisconsin. At 3:30 am, a passerby saw an intruder inside a closed convienience store. He then notified the police. When they arrived, they looked through the window to see the figure standing inside the darkened store. They stormed inside the store to arrest the intruder. The unarmed man was a lifesize cardboard cutout of Packers coach Mike Holmgren. He was unarmed at the time. No charges were filed! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Politics and Show Business Cinema Billboard in New Zealand (via the New Zealand Listener) Twister Mission Impossible Primal Fear Rocky Horror Show Alliance Campaign Launch (The Alliance are a political Party in New Zealand with somewhat radical policies) = = = = = = = From: levinen@UMDNJ.EDU (Erik Levin) Subject: T-shirt slogans Two favorite T-shirt slogans: Front: Parkers Crematorium Back: We're hot for your body Front: Drinking decaf is like masturbating Back: And faking orgasm = = = = = = = From: WEBB.MICHAEL@BEDFORD.VA.GOV Subject: Stupid human tricks, part mcmdxxxxxxviiiii From the Howie Carr show on WRKO radio in Boston: "I called my insurance company to tell them about a cracked windshield and the lady asked me, 'Now is that on your car, or on your house?' " = = = = = = = From: Mleth@aol.com Subject: Sing Along I just bought a cd of surf instrumentals, and had to laugh when I read the last page of the liner notes. It says "Enjoy the complete Rock Instrumental Classics Collection, available on Rhino Records: (a list of instrumental cd's follows). Below this it says "For a complete set of lyrics, send $1.00 to Rhino Records." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Chris Gillings) Subject: You can't trust *anyone*! Recently I attended the funeral of a friend. He was buried in a lawn cemetery west of Sydney. As you drive around you pass small signs which indicate where in the cemetery you are: "Garden of Remembrance", "Vale of Tears" and so on. I wasn't quite sure what to think when I parked near this sign: ------------------------- | "Garden of Innocence" | | (Lock your car) | ------------------------- || || / \||// ------ = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rodney A. Hoiseth) Subject: Crazy But Actual Newspaper Headlines This is from "The Kamakura Post" November 1996 (#133), a monthly community newsletter. I am posting it with the blessings of editor, Heather Willson. It was headed: "EXTRA: CRAZY BUT ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES" - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe - Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over - Miners Refuse to Work After Death - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter = = = = = = = From: JEANCURLEY@delphi.com Subject: Jury deliberations, this way ... Credit, presumably, to the Montgomery County, MD, government. From a sign posted on a steel door in the fourth-floor Jury Lounge: Elevator Shaft Do Not Enter = = = = = = = From: KBurchil@mmdfhost.gtis.gc.ca (Burchill, Ken: GTIS) Subject: Psychology Tools I was in a hardware store and I saw a display case with the sign 'Freud Tool Centre'. I guess this is for every woman with hammer envy and for every guy who wants to nail just like his father. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Sarah Ross) Subject: Express Delivery Now Available!! True story: Today I received a mail-order catalog ... selling mail-order catalogs. Okay, now I've seen it all! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (William B. Spillman-Jr) Subject: turnabout is fair play One day, I decided to reuse one of the available disks from the pool of previously used disks at work. On inserting it into the computer, I found that the disk had belonged to someone that I didn't particularly care for, so I erased the disk and renamed it "stupid". Some time later, I ejected the disk. When I finally tried to shut the computer down, I was greeted with the message "insert the disk stupid". There's a lesson there somewhere. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Rocky Craig) Subject: More Help Wanted In the Ft. Collins Coloradoan want ads, Thursday 30 January 1997, under "Medical/Dental" help you can find: LOBOTOMIST Experienced, self motivated, clean MVR, early AM and on call. ISIANMTU * * I Swear I Am Not Making This Up = = = = = = = From: L.Moseley@swansea.ac.uk (Laurie Moseley) Subject: Student povery and prostitution This morning I was listening to a report on BBC radio on student povery in universities in East Anglia (roughly Norfolk, Suffolk, and parts of Essex and Cambridgeshire). The reporter claimed that some female students were so poor that they were turning to prostitution to make ends meet. I suspect a deliberate mistake, but that is what the reporter said. Laurie (Laurence) Moseley University of Wales Swansea = = = = = = = From: Peter.Grooby@trimble.co.nz (Pete Grooby) Organization: Trimble Navigation New Zealand Subject: Boner Required The following help wanted ad, was found in the local paper - The Dominion : 'Boner Required Premiere Bacon Company, Carterton, requires a competent boner for their pork boning room.Applicants need to have a good previous work record and a positive atitude.' = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Smith and O'Halloran) Organization: Chez INWAP (people, computers, cats) Subject: Don't move stuff when you're loaded Seen on the inside of the door to an office supply cabinet: CAUTION To avoid personal injury and damage to cabinet, do not move the cabinet while in a loaded condition. = = = = = = = From: THMilby@aol.com Subject: A bit ahead of himself. Not only did this really happen, but I suspect a high percentage of rec.humor.funny readers saw it. In the "Jeopardy" "Teen Tournament" on Friday Feb. 7, 1997, the last question in the first round was to the effect of "In Weddings, young boys called this kind of 'Bearer' often carry a traditional item?" The (then) leader replied, to the detriment of his score and the glee of married men everywhere: "What are Pall Bearers?" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Dan M. Briley) Subject: Movie Marquee My girlfriend and I saw these movies, listed in the following order, on a movie marquee in Costa Mesa CA a few weeks ago: ONE FINE DAY MARS ATTACKS THE PREACHERS WIFE = = = = = = = From: Blurb@aol.com Subject: Road Emergency [Notes: JSO = Jacksonville Sheriff's Office; JFR = Jacksonville Fire Rescue] One morning, a local radio station reported that a truck carrying chickens had overturned on the expressway in Jacksonville (Florida). Chickens were everywhere, and the driver was apparently injured. According to the radio deejay, "JSO, JFR, and KFC are responding."
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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