What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Geoffrey Brent) Subject: Sporting wisdom From Mike Diamond, Australia's first gold medallist at Atlanta: "Without my father, I wouldn't be here today." = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Rob Dupcak) Subject: Brain damage in football players Heard on WBZ AM Radio in Boston: Bruce Walker, nose tackle for the New England Patriots, recently received 5 stitches for a stab wound to his chest. Apparently Walker was playing catch with a steak knife in a super market parking lot with a friend ... and missed the knife. Walker is also the goaltender for the Patriots Dart Team. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Michael Andersson) Subject: Gee. I wonder what he does...? Seen on a license plate in Seattle, Washington, USA: LINUX On the plate holder, it said: The choice of a gnu generation. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (J J Dippel) Subject: Batch File Typo Error This actually happened to a friend of a friend who wrote a batch file for a program. Batch file typo "Please insert dick in Drive A and hit enter to continue....." = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Donna Higgins) Subject: Nice work if you can get it The following help wanted ad appeared recently in a daily newspaper in the Delaware area: ________________________________________________________________________________ ERECTION ESTIMATOR Structural steel erector with 200+ employees needs Erection Estimator with 5 yrs exp. in high rise bldgs. & bridges. Ex. salary & bnfts. Send resume & salary history to: PO Box xxxx, Wilmington, DE 19899, or fax to (302) xxx-xxxx. ________________________________________________________________________________ Hard help is so good to find these days... = = = = = = = From: Richard.Smudin@West.Sun.COM (Richard Smudin) Subject: Olympic humor Some friends and I were watching the floor execersize competition on TV, and the gymnast was almost done with his routine. The announcer said "all he has left is his dismount..." My question: "How do you dismount the floor?" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Organization: GLIB/ZZAPP! - Community Educational Services Foundation Subject: Weather Heard on a local talk radio station: "And now for the weather-- High today 75 degrees with periods of drivel." I couldn't have said it better! = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Jonathan Abourbih) Subject: Stool Samples? While in Calgary, Alberta this summer, I saw a sign in the window of a furniture store. It said: "Stool Samples Available" = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Darin McBride) Subject: Now THAT is a guarantee... Heard from a friend who heard it from a friend from who... On the side of a garbage truck: "Satisfaction guaranteed or twice your garbage back" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Sam Liddicott) Subject: License Terms On the RS Componenents CD-ROM license agreement; 4 Ownership 4.1 You only own the CD-ROM (or authorised replacement) on which the software is recorded. You may retain the CR-ROM on termination provided the software has been erased. Hmmmm... because you can do that with CD-ROM's, can't you? = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Paul Joslin) Organization: Architecture Group, MIS Systems Engineering Subject: How was your day today, honey? Paraphrased from the Cincinnati Enquirer: An armored car driver made a pickup from a branch of a Dayton credit union, them made a pickup of a different source. He told police he solicited a prostitute. After having sex in the back of the armored car, she left. Later, the driver noticed the $80,000 bag of money was missing. No charges have been filed against the driver, but police are looking for the (presumably retired) prostitute. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Steve) Subject: turnpike driving? From a local TV newscast. The reporter is live in the field doing a story about a recent string of fatal accidents on Florida's turnpike. REPORTER:"...that's it from here, now back to the studio" ANCHOR: " Well, Matt, I guess the turnpike just isn't a place to be driving...": Umm, actually..... = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Jon) Subject: Actually found in magazine! TRUE STORY I was reading in some news magazine (I think TIME) about this college for the hearing-impaired. The article dealt with the increasing number of reported rapes on that campus. They were interviewing the president of the university, also deaf, and he was quoted in the magazine as saying: "I haven't heard of any problems with rape on this campus" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Cris Pedregal Martin) Subject: Foiling Telemarketers My uncle (60ish) has the most wonderful telephone manners, even with telemarketers. Once we were having dinner and the phone rang; he picked it up and, after a long time listening to some sales pitch, said sweetly: "Sorry, my parents are not home". True, and effective, too. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com Subject: Another unfortunate acronym Dan Golder posted about the "Springfield Heights Institute of Technology" and its unfortunate acronym. Here's another one that's been part of local lore for years. This is the real name of a women's college in Baltimore, Maryland. I used to drive by their entrance sign all the time. College Of Notre Dame Of Maryland And it was founded by nuns, I hear. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Pratap Patnaikuni) Subject: Nerdy T-shirt? Seen at this year's Melbourne PC '96 exhibition: "Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object" Well, I thought it was amusing! = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Chris Sterritt) Subject: Finest error message ever This is from this month's "Fast Forward", the Washington Posts' guide to electronic stuff. In their review of the CD-ROM "Nixon" (which is about Oliver Stone's movie, and some of the historical record it's "based" on), they find the program VERY buggy, and so on the mac they're testing it on, it comes up with the error message: "Force 'Nixon' to quit?" = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Darin McBride) Subject: Pete needs a seatbelt. Outside a local blood-donor clinic: SEE PETE. SEE PETE DRIVE. SEE PETE CRASH. FOR PETE'S SAKE, PLEASE DONATE. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Rick Landau) Subject: A full-service convenience store Sign in the window of a convenience store near Augusta, Maine: Guns Wedding Dresses Cold Beer One-stop shopping for that impromptu shotgun wedding! = = = = = = = Organization: Capital Bank From: firstname.lastname@example.org (John Orr) Subject: What size envelope do you use? This afternoon on a radio station in Monroe, LA, the DJ said that the people who regulate the Miss Louisiana/Miss USA/Miss Teen USA pagents had extended the deadline for entries until September 30. He said that "...any lady interested in participating in either of these pagents had to be postmarked by no later than September 30th." My question is, where do you put the postmark?? = = = = = = = From: gln@callisto.ME.Berkeley.EDU (Glen L Niebur) Subject: More of the beast On the morning news on KFOG in S.F. they said that Pacific Bell had agreed to change the phone number prefix assigned to the University of San Francisco, a Jesuit run college. The original prefix was... 666 = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Phillip Burgess) Subject: High-Tech Advertising "!INTERNET! Advertise you, your product or information on the world's biggest shopping mall!" Seen on a flyer...taped to a telephone pole. = = = = = = = From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Oded Anoaf Feingold) Subject: Truth in advertising (From the local fascist Association of Student Activities board) As several of you all have noticed, Oct. 15th is the last day of a 4 day weekend. We didn't realize that when we planned it because we suck. The General Body Meeting has been changed to a week later, October 22nd. = = = = = = = From: email@example.com (Karen D. Alfrey) Subject: Food Rights Activism Seen on a James Coney Island sign in Houston: FIGHT LEUKEMIA FREE CHILI CHEESE FRIES Hmmmm, I didn't realize they were being oppressed....
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
The Internet Jokebook|
Featuring the very best of netfunny.com on dead trees.