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More from the One-liner Digest (Funny Guy)
(smirk, swearing, sexual, heard it, offense=almost everyone)

What follows are the latest entries in the one-liner file.  These are jokes
which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately.  I post
such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it.  Particularly
selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to
killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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Subject: The doctor will double your bill.

Words to live by:

 Never see your Proctologist on the same day you judge a chili-cookoff

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From: (David A. Rinke II)
Organization: Belle Valley Fire Department/SPCEC
Subject: Immature

    - My wife is incredibly immature.  Tell me if you don't think this
    is immature - she'll come into the bathroom when I'm in the tub,
    just barge right in, sink all of my boats...

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From: (Greg Baughman)
Organization: USWA / USX Career Development System
Subject: Oh, sure, I believe you....

True story.  Wasn't funny then, but now that it's an EX....

.. "But honest, honey, the only reason I was giving him a blow job is to
learn to do it better for you."

Actually said to me by my (now) ex-wife.

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From: (Diane Hargrave)
Subject: Fashions for the poor

We were so poor when we were kids, we couldn't
afford gray. We had to wear black and white checks
and stand back.

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From: (Jason Feingold)
Organization: Gamry Instruments Inc.
Subject: Circumcision

How do you circumcize a whale?

Four skin divers.

(A humor rag mag in York, England)

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As government employees, my colleagues and I are used to reams of
paperwork. One particular form is part of the PPRRP program, and
my coworker Paul, referring to it, said, "You know...the PP form!"
Another coworker then cracked, "Geez...we have a form for everything!"
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From: (Ken Tough)
Subject: Get your finger out.

My friend Stewart recently got a job as financial director of a 
hospital trust.  Apparently they have brainstormings to improve
the marketing of their public health campaigns.

He rather liked my slogan:  

              "Thumbs Up to a Healthy Prostate!"

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From: (Dave Rusin)
Subject: "Mouth of Babes" department

While remodelling my son's room this month, I spent a day attaching
wallboard with screws and cordless driver. My son kept checking on
my progress. Late in the day he came in and inquired,
	"What are you screwing up now, Dad?"

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From: (william r spollen)
Subject: Kervorkian Joke

I thought this one up all by myself when I heard Dr. Kervorkian just "serviced"
his 36th patient:

	Dr. Kervorkin's business is really booming now.  You have to get on his
    waiting list before you know you're sick.

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From: James.H.Muiter@Dartmouth.EDU (James H. Muiter)
Subject: Web on TV? Never

This one is original.  The story can be found at

According to Reuters, Japan's Mitsubishi Electric plans to manufacture a color
television set which an also be used to surf the Internet.    The set will
allow users to watch television programs, exchange e-mail and browse the web
via the TV's built-in 32-bit CPU, WWW browser and modem.

Given the state of today's browser technology, this also means for the first
time that users will be able to crash their television sets.

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From: (Dan LaVelle)
Subject: Re: joke

>Glidden has a new paint color......blonde.  Not too bright, but it spreads

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From: "Dr. Roger M. Firestone" <>
Subject: Computer scientist defined


A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "Go to Hell," sees
the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful.

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From: (Sean Dees)
Subject: House guests wanting to do laundry....

   I just had my parents over for a few days. On the last day of their
visit, my mother asked my wife if it was OK to do some Laundry. To which my
wife quickly replied, "Sure, our dirty laundry basket is at the foot of our
bed. Do as much as you like!"

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From: (Joel Rosenberg)
Organization: Ellegon, Inc.
Subject: Today's Judy-ism

My six-year-old daughter Judy ran inside a few minutes ago, and
stormed into my office.  "I'm mad at my neighbor-friends.  They
treat me like an object!"  

(long pause)

"Daddy, what's an object?"

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Subject: dyslexia

This is original with me, except for the first sentence, which came
from a routine by Irish comic Niall MacCanna, broadcast on British TV
on Sep. 3rd.


Isn't it cruel that "dyslexia" is so hard to
spell? A dyslexic will often write the letters in
a word in the wrong order. So, if he wants to
write about his dyslexia, it might come out as
"Ever since I was a child I've had daily sex."

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From: (Todd Federman)
Subject: another travelling salesman question (math humor)

   If a travelling salesman starts in Houston, visits every city in the
United States just once, and ends up where he started, has he completed a
Houston Euler Circuit?

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From: (Branson Hagerty)
Subject: One Of Those Mornings

Appeared on the Oldies 98.1 (Philadelphia) morning show with Don Cannon:

I woke up in the morning, put on my shirt, and a button fell off.  Then I 
went to pick up by brief case and the handle fell off....

I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

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From: (J.D. Baldwin)
Subject: Stupid culinary pun

I have read your editorial policy.  I know you hate puns.  I hate
puns, too.  I'm not proud that I laughed at this when I heard it on a
Detroit radio station this morning, but I did.  Herewith for your

   Q:  What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

   A:  Anyone can roast beef.

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From: (Matthew Taylor)
Organization: DIALix Services, Melbourne, Australia.
Subject: Stone throwers

A co-worker found this written in his diary.

He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.

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From: (Marmoset)
Organization: Damn it, I lost the body
Subject: Are there any posts left?

   This is a visual joke.  Q:  What's this? (hold arms straight out from your 

                           A:  Hell of a way to spend easter vacation.

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From: (A. Rosner)
Subject: Joke

A: Professional dancing is nowhere near as popular as it once was.
B: Yes, it's a sad fate of Astaires!

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From: (Timothy E. Vaughan)
Organization: Harvard-MIT Division of Health Sciences and Technology
Subject: Not ready to face the world

Heard from my friend Jim Squire, a EE grad student here at MIT:
"Grad school is the snooze button on the alarm clock of life."

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From: (Eleanor Midkiff)
Subject: Sports nicknames 

When my son was in high school, he mentioned that he'd like to have a
nickname for the football team, kind of like the "Ragin' Cajuns."
Unfortunately, however, his team was called the Spartans....

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From: (Paul Tagg)
Organization: None what-so-ever
Subject: Student Programmers Guide

The other day I saw the perfect book on programming for student
programmers. The book was entitled:

        "Functional Programming With Hope".

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From: (Andrew Molitor)
Subject: what do you mean you're not sure?

	Terry Gross, the host of NPR's Fresh Air, commenting on some
dodgy audio work that had to be done while restoring Hitchcock's "Vertigo"

   "Well, gee, I don't know if I have mixed feelings about that or not."

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
Subject: joke

You know how people who don't exactly like to read buy those books on tape?
Well I'm one of those people. And of all the books on tape, I think that 
"Where's Waldo" is my favorite....

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From: (Holt Mebane)
Subject: counting baseball attendance

While attending a recent baseball game with my 7-year old daughter, she asked me
how many people I thought were there. I replied "About 27,000". She looked
around for a moment, then turned to me and asked, "Are you counting yourself?"

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From: (Rick DeMattia)
Subject: Monty Python School

Spouse:  Is there a Monty Python School here in the Cleveland area?
Me:  You mean Montessori School, don't you, dear?
Spouse:  You DO know the 3-year old in question, don't you?

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From: (K-97 FM)

Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital room. One leans over to the
other and say what are you in here for. The other says "circumsision". The
first boy says "Oh, I had that done right after I was born .... I couldn't
walk for a year."

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From: (Tony Konashenok)
Subject: Do you think it's easy to be a snake?

One snake to another:

-- Listen, are we poisonous?
-- Yeah, very poisonous, why are you asking?
-- Bummer... I bit my tongue.

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From: (Kurt Schmitz)
Subject: Peanut Butter

While discussing the comparative qualities of various brands of peanut
butter at dinner last night, my 5 year old son pipes in: "I don't like
crunchy peanut butter, ... I like slimy peanut butter."

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From: jdybala@holly.ColoState.EDU (John Dybala)
Subject: Insert the military branch of your choice

I heard this from a co-worker whose brother is in the National Guard, as 
is my father, but I think you can probably use any military branch for 
this ...

Q: What is the difference between the National Guard and the Boy Scouts?

A: Boy Scouts have adult supervision.

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From: (Joseph Erhard-Hudson)
Organization: Washington State University
Subject: At least it explains the males.

Why do lawyers always wear neckties?

It keeps the foreskins from coming up over their heads.

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From: (bill)
Organization: n/a
Subject: lawyers/

Did you hear about the guy the other day who got arrested for 
necrophillia? However he got himself a good lawyer who had the charges 
reduced to disturbing the peace...   :-)

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From: (Reid Stanley)
Subject: Meaning of "BOSS"

Have you ever noticed the meaning of "BOSS" spelled backwards?

Double S.O.B.

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From: (Dan Gill)
Subject: Super Bowl Wisdom

Watching the SuperBowl pre-game, the camera cut to the Patriot's coach
looking very concerned - to which John Madden commented:

"Oh, if faces could only talk....!"

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Subject: White guys without girlfriends

I just joined a support group called White Guys Without Girlfriends. Well,
actually, I went to a hockey game.

        =       =       =       =       =       =       =
From: (Evelyne Pichler)
Subject: Things that fit....

A friend forwarded me that, he found it in a sig:

Hiroshima '45     Tschernobyl '86      Windows '95

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From: (Zev Sero)
Subject: When encryption is outlawed...
Organization: argenTech

When encryption is outlawed, subway announcers will have to find new jobs.

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From: (Tom Whitehead)
Subject: Prison Humor

I work at a state prison where the following is a popular riddle.
Q: How many corrections officers (prison guards) does it take to throw a
convict down the stairs?
A: None, he fell!

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From: (Dave Watson)
Subject: Last words

Heard from a friend.

What's the last words of every redneck?

"Hey Bubba, watch me do this!"

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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