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Never too much political humor (Steven Ertelt)
IndyNet - Indys Internet Gateway (
(topical, chuckle)

President Clinton proposed spending millions to fix up aging schools.
Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "For example, the liberal school of thought
is completely dilapidated."

   * Adds Argus Hamilton, "Sure, schools have bullet holes and crumbling
walls. But when the teacher is describing the battle of the Alamo, you
feel like you're right there."

Jay Leno, on Dick Lamm: "Lamm is what they call a third-party
candidate.  That means he has some of the traits of the other two parties.
Unfortunately he wound up with the heart of a Republican and the brain of
a Democrat" ("Tonight Show," NBC, 7/15).

In the news: When violence broke out in Northern Ireland, President
Clinton said it's time Protestants and Catholics learned to get along.
Says Argus Hamilton, "What a peacemaker. Next he's going to settle that
Roadrunner-Coyote thing."

Bob Dole OKd a compromise on the abortion wording in the GOP platform.
Says Hamilton, "It won't help. What they need is a plank that allows the
party to choose another candidate during the third trimester."

   Airlines have launched a summer fare war, with some tickets as low as $

   * "However, it'll cost you an extra $ 200 to land." (Easley)

   * "At these prices, airlines will be swamped. So be prepared to bring
your own peanuts, lose your own luggage and act rude to a fellow
passenger." (Bill Williams)

When Boris Yeltsin postponed a meeting with Al Gore, analysts suspected
health concerns. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "If Yeltsin's heart doctors
want him to avoid excitement, what better place to be than in a meeting
with Gore?"

 A new study shows that 17% of heart attacks are caused by strenuous
tennis, angry outbursts or sex. Says Leno, "Kinda makes you wonder how
John McEnroe got through his wedding night."

Latest fascinatin' factoid: Someone calculated that if a cockroach were
the size of a human, it could run 90 mph. Says Cutler, "If a cockroach
were the size of a human, we'd run 90 mph."

Media circus: Handwriting analysis led to the unmasking Wednesday of
Newsweek columnist Joe Klein as the "Primary Colors" author formerly known
as Anonymous. Says Joshua Sostrin, "The analyst later concluded that the
Declaration of Independence, as has long been suspected, was indeed penned
by Bob Dole."

 * "Three more athletes tested positive for illegal drugs at the
Olympics . . . and were immediately assigned to the White House." (Hy

 A Girl Scouts survey found that 65% of high school students would cheat
on important exams. Says Paul Ryan, "Not surprisingly, 90% of that group
said they'd like to run for office someday."

 David Letterman, on the Clinton White House staff: "Explain to the White
House, the staff members there, there is a difference between drug testing
and testing drugs" ("Late Show," CBS, 7/18).

Jay Leno: "A micro brewery is coming out with a special Bob Dole beer.
I'm told the alcohol content is 4%, which is just like his approval

 Leno, on the gov't eliminating the penny: "Now that means Dick Lamm
won't get any campaign contributions" ("Tonight Show," NBC, 7/17).

In the news: Today is Bob Dole's 73rd birthday: Says Jay Leno, "At his
party, instead of a stripper jumping out of the cake, they're going to
have a registered nurse jump out of a giant bran muffin."

   Some prominent conservatives are suggesting that Dole step aside and
let the GOP choose a different candidate. Says the Cutler Daily Scoop, "No
way.  If we had to endure the primaries, they're gonna have to stick with
the results."

   The author of "Primary Colors" has been identified. Says Alan Ray, "The
novel is loosely based on Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign. Sort of like his
past four years in office."

   The White House has been testing its aides to see if they used drugs.
The test they use is very accurate, says Argus Hamilton. "They show you a
picture of Cheech and Chong. If you can tell which is which, you're out of

 Medical dramas dominate this year's Emmy nominations, with 15 for
"Chicago Hope" and 17 for "ER." Says Mills, "Even Hillary Clinton's health
care reform plan managed to capture three."

* "Shaq will replace Lakers center Vlade Divac. Here's something you
never see: An American taking a job away from an immigrant." (Leno)

Torch songs: Eastman Kodak gave inexpensive cameras to 80,000 people
who attended opening ceremonies at the Olympics. Jerry Perisho was a
little disappointed. "When I heard there would be 80,000 flashers, I
envisioned something totally different."

* "Age could wind up being an advantage over President Clinton out
there on the campaign trail. Dole can go into Hooters and stare at the
menu." (Hamilton)

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Twice-monthly, this conservative political report gives you the news,
humor and information you need.  The Ertelt Report is a no-frills
publication, without all of the cheesy graphics and advertisments that
fill up most political publications ...  this is a definite "meat and
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Steven Ertelt
P.O. Box 501486
Indianapolis, IN  46250-6486

(From the "Rest" of RHF)

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